Often people don’t believe a woman who says she is a victim of domestic violence if they see no bruises.
Emotional wounds leave no visible bruises.
I have a friend who understands this completely.
She suffered emotional abuse for years from her husband while he was actively involved in church ministry.
They went through premarital counseling with me.
I officiated their wedding decades ago.
They left our church because he didn’t agree with my views on marriage, among other things.
I’m humbled she is still my friend. I didn’t see her suffering.
Her
silent torment woke me to domestic violence in Christian families. How many
others may be suffering?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in which a person uses coercion, harassment, deception, humiliation, threat and force to establish and maintain power and control. It’s not about someone snapping, losing it, being pushed or being nagged until he can’t take it. It’s about power and control.
It’s not about being sick, but about being slick.
Who are men who abuse? Athletes, construction workers, physicians, attorneys, pastors, fathers, uncles, brothers.
Who are the women violated? They work in all jobs and in homes. They are mothers, sisters, friends, daughters and granddaughters.
Christian teachings can support abusers in the church. The oft-quoted justification from Ephesians 5:22 that wives are to be subject to their husbands leaves out verse 21 and following verses that say a man and a woman are to be subject to and responsible to each other.
My friend shared how the following five teachings contributed to her abuse.
1) Marriage is sacred: Some pastors think it’s impossible for a married man to abuse, because a wife is a man’s property, but no means no, and sexual assault is a crime even in marriage. An abuser has already broken the marriage covenant by the abuse. The safety of a wife and children are more sacred than keeping a marriage together at all costs. Don’t turn the marriage covenant into an idol.
2) Divorce under any circumstances is wrong: Jesus said divorce is permitted if there is adultery. (Matthew 19:8,9) The New Testament also offers a concession when there is desertion. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Emotional and psychological abuse is desertion. To say divorce is an abomination sounds religious, but we must say violence is an abomination.
3) Women are to be submissive; and 4) Men are to be the head of the house: These teachings, based on a couple of verses in Ephesians 5, have caused many Christian women to be abused, even killed. Nine of 12 verses in Ephesians 5:21-33 admonish husbands and wives to be subject to each other and define a husband’s responsibility to put his wife first ahead of his own needs or desires.
5) Christians should always forgive those who wrong them: Some women hope if they forgive, everything will be okay. Forgiveness does not do something for someone else. The abuser needs to be held accountable: to confess, admit what he did, accept responsibility and repent. Reconciliation means restoration to harmony. Because the perpetrator cannot be trusted, the relationship cannot be restored to harmony. (Luke 17:3)
I'm addressing this issue on behalf of all women who have suffered or are suffering abuse in a Christian community and cannot find help or a way out. DM message me. Reach out to one of the other writers on this site.
You are not alone.
You can find me at REVwords.com.
So true that the abuse is often not seen. And I have witnessed what I call the "God card" used but not in a godly way at all. Such an important truth to teach, Bob, how scripture as a whole teaches of marriage (not to push a personal agenda for power and abuse).
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lynn for affirming how a "God card" can be played in a way that adds to the hurt and abuse.
DeleteThis is a tough message but a very important one. Thank you for posting.
ReplyDeleteWhen truth is toughest, it is most needed. Thank you Tracy.
DeleteThank you for bringing this topic to the forefront. Three words came to mind when I read this post. "Don't see me." You don't want people to see the real you, the one accused of "not fighting back." In our weakness, we make excuses for our perpetrator, we blame ourselves, we hide the truth and lie when we have to. We remain silent. But above all - we hope that one day the abuse will stop.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Vickie about making excuses for the perpetrator. The abused end up suffering all the more as a result.
DeleteWhat an excellent post! This is something we ought to be exposing. Whatever happened to, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church"? Legalists love to quote scriptures without their context. That's why, as one example, Mormons claim we're little gods and quote Psalms 82:6. They forget the next verse and the fact that God was speaking to the misleaders of Israel.
ReplyDeleteYes, Bruce. Legalists don't help the situation. We read the Bible to follow Jesus, not prove a point or make a case.
DeleteThank you, Bob, for having the courage to write candidly about an all-too-common yet often hidden, form of abuse. Your statement, "Christian teachings can support abusers in the church", is a truth many in the institution do not want to acknowledge.
ReplyDeleteI was one of those nice, smiling Christian wives who worked hard at presenting the perfect little missionary family in public, yet suffered years of emotional abuse at the hands of a sociopath/narcissist husband. He regularly drove home the 5 Bible teachings you brought up which are so often used wrongly, and because I didn't know any better and wanted to be a God-honoring wife, I complied. I almost disappeared. It wasn't until God woke in me such a compelling hunger to know more of Him that I found myself again as I am in His eyes, and found the courage to leave the marriage.
There are so many life lessons I learned in those difficult years, and now the Lord has called me to write a book about my journey to help other women break free from domestic abuse. There are far too many silent sufferers within our churches. They need to know their marriage is not the one God designed for them. Jesus valued women for who they were, not for who the culture of His day thought they should be. His words are not weapons for control, they are truths to set us free. This is written by one truly set free and forever grateful.
Wow. I am humbled by your hurt. Its way easier to write the words than to wear the pain. Thank you for sharing Valerie. You put an exclamation point on the post.
DeleteTimely words, Bob as this is something I’m learning. I’m sure you would be the first to agree that even pastors are human and need accountability. There is so much silence in the church when a pastor or his wife is out of line. We’ve had it drilled into us to respect and honour them, rightly so, but to the point of being afraid to say anything against God’s elected. Now I see that we’re enabling that person to abuse their position of power, whether that man or woman is a spouse, an employer, a pastor, or a pastor’s wife. And then we feel guilty for enabling them in addition to the guilt we already heap on ourselves when they mistreat us.
ReplyDeleteAbility is not healthy without accountability. Sounds like you have personal experience with a lack of accountability. This is where governing bodies, fellowships or denominations come in to play. Every ordained pastor is accountable to someone. Using the accountability channels can provide some measure of objectivity and correction.
DeleteYes I agree . We all need accountability and I’m thankful for the people who have kept me accountable at times. In the above case we challenged the accountability channels .....
DeleteThanks for your thoughtful post, Bob. What you've written about how God's Word can be abused is so true. I would add that the church has made an idol out of marriage, leaving singles wondering where they fit in or thinking they are second-rate. Rachel Gilson's book, Born Again This Way, has much of value to say on the subjects of marriage, singleness and celibacy. I highly recommend it.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Susan. Marriage is not the top rung of life's relational ladder. One is a whole number. Domestic abuse in Christian relationships sounds like an oxymoron but it is a part of reality. Shining light in dark corners is hard on the eyes but necessary.
DeleteThank you for this “evergreen” teaching, Pastor Bob, which may be especially needed during this Covid period when many families are isolated from others. Domestic abuse and violence is a “hot topic” for me as one of my loved ones was emotionally and physically abused.
ReplyDeleteIt's painful to watch someone we love go through abuse. It's painful to learn someone we love was being abused while on our watch. Thank you for joining the conversation, Sharon.
DeleteIt is so hard for a "good Christian wife" to see that what's happening to her is abuse. I left my abusive marriage because things weren't safe, because I couldn't keep my kids safe anymore. It wasn't until a year after I left that I was finally able to say the word "abuse" ... there were no physical bruises.
ReplyDeleteI was afraid to leave because I thought my kids would be forced to a shared custody agreement where he would be alone with them, they would have no one to protect them. Thankfully, they have been amazingly protected in the court system (miracles that God can only do!).
When I left, I said I'll never file for divorce because that just isn't "allowed" ... marriage is a covenant. Thankfully, God is merciful and has taught me so much about His heart for me! He loves me, divorced or married or single. He cares for myself and my kids in the most amazing ways possible.
We are now in a healing place, in a safe place. I am so thankful to God for all He has done in our lives!
Thank you, Bob, for being a voice for women like me. I pray for the women who are still stuck ... perhaps they will read this article and a light will shine through so they can begin their healing journey.
Thank you Jen for sharing your story and shining a light. You are a life giver.
DeleteBob,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your powerful post. Unfortunately many women who are experiencing abuse are not supported by the Christian community. Instead of dealing with families case by case, people tend to judge using inflexible rules.
Thank you for commenting Ruth. I hope that posts like this can be shared so that women of faith or no faith can see there are Christian leaders who are not bound to the idol of worship.
DeleteJesus is not Lord of any marriage where a man abuses his wife or children.
ReplyDeleteSuccinctly said.
DeleteThanks for sharing on this much-needed topic, Bob. Unfortunately it's all-too common. I think, too, of men who have been abused--I've worked with and ministered to two men in their recovery and their struggles to trust again.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandi for reminding us that abuse doesn't discriminate.
DeleteI have long thought that when the teaching is on the Ephesians 5 passage, during verses 22-24, men should leave the room. God is not talking to men here, He is talking to women. And He is not saying it is up to men to enforce this passage. His message to men is vs 24ff. Again, I say to men, verses 22 - 24 have nothing to do with you and you have no business insisting on enforcing it.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts, John. Most often it is men who enforce a Scripture that needs not be enforced.
Delete