Whenever I drive to town I pass by a section of sidewalk brightly painted like a rainbow. It’s been there since our town held its first Gay Pride Parade about three years ago. I cannot pass the rainbow sidewalk without a familiar sense of loss and sadness flooding my heart. To most of society it represents a celebration of the LGBTQ movement, but to me it is a reminder of a beloved stepson estranged from our family because he chose to live a homosexual lifestyle. It was his choice to sever contact with us, not ours.
My husband’s four children were a delightful bonus when I married him. Especially the youngest, Scott (not his actual name), a bright 12 year old full of curiosity and quirky ideas. Whenever it was his turn to help with after dinner clean-up, I knew I would be well entertained. Scott demonstrated a lively interest in the Christian faith on which we founded our home, so we encouraged him in his own walk with Christ in every way we could. But as he grew into a teenager Scott became increasingly withdrawn, antisocial and passive aggressive. We tried all we could think of to show our love and concern, but he was unreachable. Not long after he moved out of our home, he called to announce his upcoming marriage to his male partner. We had heard rumors of his homosexual lifestyle, but this news broke our hearts.Though we assured him of our love, we could not blithely condone his decision which went against God’s view of homosexuality. In spite of this, we made sure he knew our door would always be open to him as our cherished son. Sadly, Scott has refused contact to this day.
Does this mean we are homophobes? Of course not. We could no more hate, fear or scorn someone for their sexual orientation than we could for their ethnicity or social standing. Never in our conversations with Scott did we openly condemn his decision. Because he grew up in a Christian home learning God’s word, he knew what our position was on the subject of homosexuality. We believe God’s created intent for the expression of human sexuality is fulfilled within the covenant of a monogamous and heterosexual marriage. (Matt. 19:4-6) Any other expression, including homosexuality, is a violation of God’s created intent and outside of the boundaries He has set. (Rom. 1:26-27)
Scott presumed we disapproved of his choice based on our own opinions and therefore condemned him as a person. That is untrue. Our theological conviction is not a catalyst to treat him poorly. Our view of his choice is founded on a perfect source outside ourselves, God’s Word. And this Word also teaches us repeatedly to love others in spite of their sin, yet not to compromise our beliefs by condoning their sin.
We long to demonstrate our love to Scott for who he is, but he has not given us the opportunity yet. We long to understand him as a person, the grown man he has become since he left our home. We want to know about his experiences, dreams, hopes and fears. Our love for him is not based on his right or wrong choices but on his irrevocable position as our son, which will never change no matter how distant he becomes. We care enough about him not to reduce him to his sexual orientation. He is so much more than that to us. It is not our job to try and change him. That is God’s department.
We cannot force him to have a relationship with us. His estrangement signifies his support of the argument that “acceptance but not approval” is not actually love. It could be that he is following the direction societal opinion is moving, that anything short of full approval is homophobia. His actions demonstrate that he considers us intolerant, therefore he treats us the way he himself does not want to be treated. If only he would give us a chance to love him as we want to.
I do not see divided views on homosexuality as strictly a social justice issue. Those who identify as homosexual have the same rights and freedoms as everyone, and are even celebrated for their sexual choices, though I don’t see those who identify as heterosexual having parades and special days designated for their orientation. From our family’s personal experience with homosexuality, I have come to the conclusion that it is also a matter of the heart. The reason it broke our hearts when we learned of our son’s decision to marry a man is because we saw it as his decision to embrace sin. If he had chosen to rob a bank or become a terrorist, we would feel the same. He knew God’s mandate on the subject, yet he implicitly chose to disobey, to follow his own desires and turn away from his family and the God he previously trusted.
Choosing a homosexual lifestyle is not a social justice issue, it is a sin issue. When I look to Jesus Christ for direction, I see how he hated sin, but loved sinners. Always. He loved sinners even to the point of His sacrificial death on a cross. He was clear in His condemnation of their sin, generous in demonstrating His love, and openhanded in His offer of redemption for those who repent.
Author John Badertscher wrote, “Love, properly understood, is not a feeling which may or may not last. It is an ordering of my will in which I hold the well-being of another at the center of my own well-being.”¹
My husband and I daily hold the well-being of Scott at the center of our hearts, praying for God’s love to reach him and return him to faith and his family.
¹Ten Steps on Freedom Road: Why the Commandments are Good News by John Badertscher; Wipf and Stock Publishers; Sept. 30, 2019
Valerie's devotionals can be read on her blog https://scriptordeus.wordpress.com 
"We care enough about him not to reduce him to his sexual orientation. He is so much more than that to us. It is not our job to try and change him. That is God’s department." This pretty much sums it up. God is so much bigger than anything. Thank you for your honesty. I know this post was probably not easy to write.
ReplyDeleteNot easy to write, Tracy, yet it helped me to put into words what my thoughts and beliefs are about this difficult subject. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteI wish the world could understand our position. We hold to a higher standard than public opinion but they think it's just old fashioned bigotry. It grieves me when we're called homophobes and bigots. But we must do what Peter said and live a good life so our accusers will be put to shame. Let's strive always to separate the sin from the sinner.
ReplyDeleteI don't know who said it but I often remember the saying, "There are no heroes in sin." When it comes to sin, we are all equal in God's eyes. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Thanks for your input, Bruce.
DeleteThank you, Valerie, for your honest words of love. I pray Scott will once again realize your deep love for him. May he realize God's heart for him.
ReplyDeleteThat is our deepest desire for him, Alan. He once reveled in God's love for him. God hasn't changed in His love for Scott and neither have we.
DeleteThank-you, Valerie, for expressing your heart so eloquently in this post! So well said!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comment,Lynn. It was a difficult subject to write about but it helped me to honestly think through where I stand on it.
Delete“Love, properly understood, is not a feeling which may or may not last. It is an ordering of my will in which I hold the well-being of another at the center of my own well-being.”¹ Love is powerful. I hope that someday soon your son will trust you again and allow you to express your love to him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your positive encouragement. We never give up hope he will return to us someday.
DeleteThank you for sharing your heart. This is heartbreaking, but thankfully God is still in control,and the final outcome is the right one. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWith God in control, the final outcome is always the right one. We know Scott is in God's hands and that brings us peace. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteThanks for sharing your heart with us. This is a tough topic for a lot of people. I have friends who are in same-sex relationships - good friends. I honestly love them as much as my friends who are in heterosexual relationships. I'm comfortable with because deep down we're all sinning in some way. I don't want to define levels of sin. I find it much easier to simply love without having to mend what might be "wrong" in a relationship. People living together are often referred to as "living in sin." That's a normal part of my family as is estrangement for various reasons. We live in a world of chaos. It's often harder for people to accept a sin when it is not hidden. For example: There was an article in the MB Herald in 2009 about a man who was attending a bible study with his girlfriend, playing guitar on the Sunday worship team and transporting drugs across the border. It made me realize just how much I don't know about the people I feel are Christians. I'm happy that this man changed his life. Sin is hard on all of us. How far into the dark places will Christian's go to show the love of Jesus? Will Christian's allow (all) sinners into their home and wait for God's timing to accomplish his plan for change? A friend once told me that my expectations of a non-Christian should not be the same as that of a Christian. When I understood that, I found my relationships with people became less stressful. I pray that Scott will reconcile his relationship with your family and that he will see how much he is loved and missed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughtful comment, Vickie. When I study how Jesus interacted with sinners in the Bible, I see His unconditional love for each one, yet He grieved over their sin. I pray daily we will have an opportunity to express our love to Scott again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart and love for Scott, Valerie. I, too, have gays in my extended circle, and continuing to love, listen, pray, and be with them are so vital in relating Christ's love to them. How much I agree with your quote: “Love, properly understood, is not a feeling which may or may not last. It is an ordering of my will in which I hold the well-being of another at the center of my own well-being.” How true!
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