Often people don’t believe a woman who says she is a victim of domestic violence if they see no bruises.
Emotional wounds leave no visible bruises.
I have a friend who understands this completely.
She suffered emotional abuse for years from her husband while he was actively involved in church ministry.
They went through premarital counseling with me.
I officiated their wedding decades ago.
They left our church because he didn’t agree with my views on marriage, among other things.
I’m humbled she is still my friend. I didn’t see her suffering.
Her
silent torment woke me to domestic violence in Christian families. How many
others may be suffering?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in which a person uses coercion, harassment, deception, humiliation, threat and force to establish and maintain power and control. It’s not about someone snapping, losing it, being pushed or being nagged until he can’t take it. It’s about power and control.
It’s not about being sick, but about being slick.
Who are men who abuse? Athletes, construction workers, physicians, attorneys, pastors, fathers, uncles, brothers.
Who are the women violated? They work in all jobs and in homes. They are mothers, sisters, friends, daughters and granddaughters.
Christian teachings can support abusers in the church. The oft-quoted justification from Ephesians 5:22 that wives are to be subject to their husbands leaves out verse 21 and following verses that say a man and a woman are to be subject to and responsible to each other.
My friend shared how the following five teachings contributed to her abuse.
1) Marriage is sacred: Some pastors think it’s impossible for a married man to abuse, because a wife is a man’s property, but no means no, and sexual assault is a crime even in marriage. An abuser has already broken the marriage covenant by the abuse. The safety of a wife and children are more sacred than keeping a marriage together at all costs. Don’t turn the marriage covenant into an idol.
2) Divorce under any circumstances is wrong: Jesus said divorce is permitted if there is adultery. (Matthew 19:8,9) The New Testament also offers a concession when there is desertion. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Emotional and psychological abuse is desertion. To say divorce is an abomination sounds religious, but we must say violence is an abomination.
3) Women are to be submissive; and 4) Men are to be the head of the house: These teachings, based on a couple of verses in Ephesians 5, have caused many Christian women to be abused, even killed. Nine of 12 verses in Ephesians 5:21-33 admonish husbands and wives to be subject to each other and define a husband’s responsibility to put his wife first ahead of his own needs or desires.
5) Christians should always forgive those who wrong them: Some women hope if they forgive, everything will be okay. Forgiveness does not do something for someone else. The abuser needs to be held accountable: to confess, admit what he did, accept responsibility and repent. Reconciliation means restoration to harmony. Because the perpetrator cannot be trusted, the relationship cannot be restored to harmony. (Luke 17:3)
I'm addressing this issue on behalf of all women who have suffered or are suffering abuse in a Christian community and cannot find help or a way out. DM message me. Reach out to one of the other writers on this site.
You are not alone.
You can find me at REVwords.com.
