Ethics and Emotions ~ Valerie Ronald

 

When my husband and I received a call from our son, inviting us to a party celebrating his engagement to his male partner, we didn’t think about ethics.

Ethics ˗˗ such a cold word for the personal dilemma we faced; one fraught with deep emotions of sorrow, loss of relationship and dashed hopes.

Scott’s lifestyle choice was already known to us. We grieved as we witnessed his downward spiral from a young man apparently eager to grow in his Christian faith, to a skeptic of all he had been taught and shown in our home. We could do little to bridge the ever-widening gap in our relationship with him as he spurned belief in Jesus Christ to openly embrace homosexuality. Not that we did not try. We assured him of our love, though we made clear we did not agree with his choice to go against God’s truth. We made sure he knew our home was always open to him as our cherished son, but he continued to distance himself.

Dealing with the decision of whether or not to attend Scott’s engagement party, we did what we always do when faced with difficult decisions ˗˗ we prayed for God’s guidance. Emotions had to be set aside so the process of moral decision-making, which is the practical application of ethics, could be applied.

Easier said than done. How could we deflect the deep parental responses gripping our hearts? And what about the possible emotional consequences of either choice, for Scott and ourselves?

Making the decision required us to primarily answer two ethical questions: “What should we do?” and “What should we be?” As Christians, the answer to those questions should ultimately be: “What God has commanded us to do in obedience to Him” and “What Jesus wants us to be ˗˗ conformed to His image.” If a heart response entered into the process, it had to be primarily, “What path, choice, or answer would bring the most glory to God?”

In October 2020 I shared a post on this blog about our journey as parents of someone identifying as homosexual.      Hearing God's Heart About Homosexuality

As I expressed there, we believe God’s created intent for the expression of human sexuality is fulfilled within the covenant of a monogamous and heterosexual marriage. (Matt. 19:4-6) Any other expression, including homosexuality, is a violation of God’s created intent and outside of the boundaries He has set. (Rom. 1:26-27)

If we attended Scott’s engagement party, we would, in effect, be condoning his sin. We would appear to be congratulating him for flagrantly exchanging God’s truth for a lie, and blessing him for openly sinning. This would go against all we believed and held true within our faith in Christ. Our choice quickly became obvious, although it came at a high cost. Because God is uppermost in our lives and in obedience to His standards about human sexuality, we told Scott we would not be attending the party. One of the consequences of this decision is that Scott no longer wants contact with us. The other more serious consequence is the recognition that “just as he did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave him over to a depraved mind, so that he does what ought not to be done.” (Rom. 1:28 paraphrase mine) Knowing God will eventually deal with Scott accordingly, if he does not repent and turn from his sin, weighs heavy on our hearts. Yet we bow to God’s ultimate authority and justice.  

 If we had gone with our emotions to make our decision, we may have caved into our desire to keep our relationship with Scott, at the cost of compromising our obedience to God’s ethics. Emotions are not a reliable measure by which to make an ethical decision. Our view of his choice is founded on a perfect source outside ourselves, God’s Word, which teaches us repeatedly to love others in spite of their sins, yet not to compromise our beliefs by condoning their sin.

Ethics do not always transfer from one generation to another, as we have experienced. No matter how much we tried to instill biblical ethics into our children, not all of them chose to accept the absolute truths of God. We know in our heads we made the right decision concerning Scott’s engagement party, yet our hearts still ache with yearning for our prodigal. Daily our prayers plead for his return, firstly to his heavenly Father, who waits for him with forgiving open arms, then to us, his loving parents who miss him so much.

More of Valerie's work can be read on her blog.

https://wordpress.scriptordeus.com/

Hearing God's Heart About Homosexuality ~ Valerie Ronald

 

Whenever I drive to town I pass by a section of sidewalk brightly painted like a rainbow. It’s been there since our town held its first Gay Pride Parade about three years ago. I cannot pass the rainbow sidewalk without a familiar sense of loss and sadness flooding my heart. To most of society it represents a celebration of the LGBTQ movement, but to me it is a reminder of a beloved stepson estranged from our family because he chose to live a homosexual lifestyle. It was his choice to sever contact with us, not ours.  

My husband’s four children were a delightful bonus when I married him. Especially the youngest, Scott (not his actual name), a bright 12 year old full of curiosity and quirky ideas. Whenever it was his turn to help with after dinner clean-up, I knew I would be well entertained. Scott demonstrated a lively interest in the Christian faith on which we founded our home, so we encouraged him in his own walk with Christ in every way we could. But as he grew into a teenager Scott became increasingly withdrawn, antisocial and passive aggressive. We tried all we could think of to show our love and concern, but he was unreachable. Not long after he moved out of our home, he called to announce his upcoming marriage to his male partner. We had heard rumors of his homosexual lifestyle, but this news broke our hearts.Though we assured him of our love, we could not blithely condone his decision which went against God’s view of homosexuality. In spite of this, we made sure he knew our door would always be open to him as our cherished son. Sadly, Scott has refused contact to this day.

Does this mean we are homophobes? Of course not. We could no more hate, fear or scorn someone for their sexual orientation than we could for their ethnicity or social standing. Never in our conversations with Scott did we openly condemn his decision. Because he grew up in a Christian home learning God’s word, he knew what our position was on the subject of homosexuality. We believe God’s created intent for the expression of human sexuality is fulfilled within the covenant of a monogamous and heterosexual marriage. (Matt. 19:4-6) Any other expression, including homosexuality, is a violation of God’s created intent and outside of the boundaries He has set. (Rom. 1:26-27)

Scott presumed we disapproved of his choice based on our own opinions and therefore condemned him as a person. That is untrue. Our theological conviction is not a catalyst to treat him poorly. Our view of his choice is founded on a perfect source outside ourselves, God’s Word. And this Word also teaches us repeatedly to love others in spite of their sin, yet not to compromise our beliefs by condoning their sin.

We long to demonstrate our love to Scott for who he is, but he has not given us the opportunity yet. We long to understand him as a person, the grown man he has become since he left our home. We want to know about his experiences, dreams, hopes and fears. Our love for him is not based on his right or wrong choices but on his irrevocable position as our son, which will never change no matter how distant he becomes. We care enough about him not to reduce him to his sexual orientation. He is so much more than that to us. It is not our job to try and change him. That is God’s department.

We cannot force him to have a relationship with us. His estrangement signifies his support of the argument that “acceptance but not approval” is not actually love. It could be that he is following the direction societal opinion is moving, that anything short of full approval is homophobia. His actions demonstrate that he considers us intolerant, therefore he treats us the way he himself does not want to be treated. If only he would give us a chance to love him as we want to.

I do not see divided views on homosexuality as strictly a social justice issue. Those who identify as homosexual have the same rights and freedoms as everyone, and are even celebrated for their sexual choices, though I don’t see those who identify as heterosexual having parades and special days designated for their orientation. From our family’s personal experience with homosexuality, I have come to the conclusion that it is also a matter of the heart. The reason it broke our hearts when we learned of our son’s decision to marry a man is because we saw it as his decision to embrace sin. If he had chosen to rob a bank or become a terrorist, we would feel the same. He knew God’s mandate on the subject, yet he implicitly chose to disobey, to follow his own desires and turn away from his family and the God he previously trusted.

Choosing a homosexual lifestyle is not a social justice issue, it is a sin issue. When I look to Jesus Christ for direction, I see how he hated sin, but loved sinners. Always. He loved sinners even to the point of His sacrificial death on a cross. He was clear in His condemnation of their sin, generous in demonstrating His love, and openhanded in His offer of redemption for those who repent.

Author John Badertscher wrote, “Love, properly understood, is not a feeling which may or may not last. It is an ordering of my will in which I hold the well-being of another at the center of my own well-being.”¹

My husband and I daily hold the well-being of Scott at the center of our hearts, praying for God’s love to reach him and return him to faith and his family.

¹Ten Steps on Freedom Road: Why the Commandments are Good News by John Badertscher; Wipf and Stock Publishers; Sept. 30, 2019


Valerie's devotionals can be read on her blog https://scriptordeus.wordpress.com