November 08, 2019
In the mess... By Vickie Stam
Oddly enough I could feel my voice leaving me, draining away like water leaving a sink. It's not as if I was waiting for my voice to run away nor was I watching for it to disappear. I never pulled the plug on it, and yet like water leaving a stainless steel bowl my voice seemed to abandon me with the same fanfare - in a flash.
This past winter I was living smack-dab in the middle of the sunshine state but who knew that it would feel like the darkest place on earth. For the first time in three years I felt torn between the life I'd left behind and my life in Florida. I missed my friends in Ontario. My mind began to swell with waves of guilt over leaving my aging father. I couldn't help but think how alone he must feel with me being so far away. The winter felt like a season without an end. And to top things off I managed to reawaken some painful memories.
With so much deliberating going on inside my head I would have thought that penning my emotions would flow naturally, an exercise in healing that has worked for me in the past. Nope, not this time. The words would not come.
When friends asked why I hadn't joined the writing group again I simply stated that I wanted to try other activities. Deep down inside I held tight to the truth - I felt lonely and homesick. And I dared not say the words out loud.
I feared that telling my friends how much I longed to go home would only set in motion a score of questions that I wasn't ready to answer. Everyone around me seemed happy not to have to shovel snow, scrape ice or brave the frigid temperatures. In that moment, I didn't care. I just wanted to go home.
I needed a diversion. And then one day while browsing in Books A Million I came across a book, '300 Writing Prompts' a journal that allows you to explore the inner depths of your mind and soul, one word at a time. I flipped through the pages, glanced at some of the prompts and quickly decided to buy it.
Some of the prompts definitely helped me revive that undesirable silence. Still, there was more going on inside of me that needed mending. Painful memories that required yet another goodbye.
After arriving back in Ontario in April I've been involved in a program that has helped me break through a number of barriers in my life. I feel God leading me to write about my experience with Brady, Dianne, Saemus and Brynn and just how thankful I am for their wisdom and understanding.
In my mess, I really appreciated the song - When I'm With You - By Citizen Way
Here are just a few of the lyrics that spoke to me:
"These are the things that I need to pray
Because I can't find peace any other way
I'm a mess underneath and I'm just too scared to show it
Everything's not fine
And I'm not okay
But it's nice to know
I can come this way."