November 08, 2019

In the mess... By Vickie Stam


Oddly enough I could feel my voice leaving me, draining away like water leaving a sink. It's not as if I was waiting for my voice to run away nor was I watching for it to disappear. I never pulled the plug on it, and yet like water leaving a stainless steel bowl my voice seemed to abandon me with the same fanfare - in a flash.

This past winter I was living smack-dab in the middle of the sunshine state but who knew that it would feel like the darkest place on earth. For the first time in three years I felt torn between the life I'd left behind and my life in Florida. I missed my friends in Ontario. My mind began to swell with waves of guilt over leaving my aging father. I couldn't help but think how alone he must feel with me being so far away. The winter felt like a season without an end. And to top things off I managed to reawaken some painful memories.

With so much deliberating going on inside my head I would have thought that penning my emotions would flow naturally, an exercise in healing that has worked for me in the past. Nope, not this time. The words would not come. 

When friends asked why I hadn't joined the writing group again I simply stated that I wanted to try other activities. Deep down inside I held tight to the truth - I felt lonely and homesick. And I dared not say the words out loud. 

I feared that telling my friends how much I longed to go home would only set in motion a score of questions that I wasn't ready to answer. Everyone around me seemed happy not to have to shovel snow, scrape ice or brave the frigid temperatures. In that moment, I didn't care. I just wanted to go home.

I needed a diversion. And then one day while browsing in Books A Million I came across a book, '300 Writing Prompts' a journal that allows you to explore the inner depths of your mind and soul, one word at a time. I flipped through the pages, glanced at some of the prompts and quickly decided to buy it. 

Some of the prompts definitely helped me revive that undesirable silence. Still, there was more going on inside of me that needed mending. Painful memories that required yet another goodbye. 

After arriving back in Ontario in April I've been involved in a program that has helped me break through a number of barriers in my life. I feel God leading me to write about my experience with Brady, Dianne, Saemus and Brynn and just how thankful I am for their wisdom and understanding.

In my mess, I really appreciated the song - When I'm With You - By Citizen Way

Here are just a few of the lyrics that spoke to me:

"These are the things that I need to pray
Because I can't find peace any other way
I'm a mess underneath and I'm just too scared to show it

Everything's not fine
And I'm not okay
But it's nice to know
I can come this way."


14 comments:

  1. Thanks for your candour, Vickie. I is wonderful to have you back on the blog. Looking forward to hearing more about the journey. may God bless and guide you.

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  2. It feels good to be back. God is always with us through the many changes in our lives. Thank you for your constant faithfulness to send encouraging words to all of us writers here on InScribe.

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  3. Dear Vickie, such a powerful post. And the song lyrics you quoted--so poignant.
    Blessings and peace as you continue to write ~ Wendy Mac

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    1. Thanks Wendy. Music is so uplifting - just another way for writers to express themselves and share with others.

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  4. God certainly takes one to unexpected place when on the healing journey, doesn't He? May He continue to lead you and may you also experience sunshine on the way (including the ongoing friendships and support He's provided thus far)!

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  5. Yes, God is there through the unexpected even when he feels far away. The people and support he has put in my path have proven to be an immeasurable blessing.

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  6. Thanks for sharing your experience, Vickie, and showing us how God is carrying you across the rocky roads. May you continue to acknowledge God's mending of your heart and soul, whether through his word or the people he posts along your journey.

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    1. Thanks Sharon. We so often read about the hills and valleys in the bible and I'm reminded of the Psalmist David who cried out to the Lord over and over.

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  7. My dear writing buddy, I've missed your posts. Welcome back to a place where you are loved and cared for. I hear your heart in this post. Please keep writing from the deep place within you. We will listen. Love and hugs to you, Vickie. :)

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    1. I have missed writing. I'm so thankful for you and my other InScribe friends who continue to pour out their encouraging words.

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  8. Vickie, I have missed your writings, and also appreciate/understand the turmoils that take their tolls in our heads ... the song words are powerful, your words and testimony are also powerful. Our writing and healing journeys are rarely straight forward. Blessings and hugs to you.

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  9. Thanks Jocelyn, for your kind words. I know that "turmoil" has a way of bringing about some unexpected turns in our life. I've missed you too!

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  10. I'm glad you're back with us, Vickie. We need your voice and pen. Thanks for your courage in sharing your heart and your "mess", and how God is bringing you healing. I pray these blog topics will facilitate writing some of your story as you share with us.

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  11. Thanks Sandi. It's great to be back! I look forward to the upcoming themes and reading each others stories.

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