Romans 8:38-39 (NIV): For
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither
the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height not depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
It was
painful. It was hard. It was lonely. It was an opportunity to
explore within myself. It was a time of
searching, for questioning and evaluating the meaning of my life. It was a time of feeling lost and not knowing
where God was. My life, my world, my
soul was falling apart. This time in my
life surprisingly set a direction for my writing!
I was
working full time to support my family.
I was a co-pastor of a church that held to a firm stand on doctrine and
theology. I was also trying to work on a
Masters degree by taking a course or two each year at seminary. Life was busy. Life was not too satisfying! There had to be more to life than all this
busyness and church performance. God was
not very clear in this picture. Life was
imbalanced. Something had to give and it
was and I was it
I found
myself in what I called the Tunnel!
Sometimes there were pockets of fog in the tunnel. Those were the really dark times. At the period of time in which the Tunnel was
part of my life it was not what many Christians wanted to hear about. In my experience the believers I knew would seemingly do all
they could to avoid hearing of Christians being in a Tunnel. Few acknowledged depression! Depression meant you were weak or had
wandered from God or were out of His will!
You were on your own dear brother!
Writing
saved me as it were! Writing was where
God spoke to me and I could then speak of God.
Sometimes I sensed God was in the shadows of the Tunnel. He was near and had never left me and I
learned that He understood depression. God was not afraid to embrace depression
and He was not afraid to embrace me in the Tunnel!
In much
of my writing God may not be glaringly apparent to many readers and perhaps
many Christian writers. God may not be apparent in depression
either! Many may not even be
interested in the darkness of the Tunnel.
I have to say however that after being in this darkness the light shines
even brighter!
I am
grateful for the Tunnel. I found I could
survive evaluating the meaning of my life.
I am grateful for my life, as simple as it is! I am grateful for my family for there I know
those who truly love me. I am grateful
for faith in God in spite of the human imperfections of His church. I am grateful that I can write and not be
worried about whether I become a known or famous writer.
For
readers who may relate to the Tunnel I trust you can also relate to
gratefulness in the fact that the Tunnel need not win. I am certainly not an authority or expert on
depression. I am however an expert on my
experience with depression, at least I think I am!
Even in the Tunnel and the threat of soul crushing
depression that assaulted me I knew God had not left me. This is the reality of my gratefulness!
"There is light at the end of this tunnel..." comes to mind. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tracy! Yes there is light, but it doesn't come at once. It also doesn't seem to show very brightly for some people in depression. I thank God the light was able to overwhelm the darkness of the Tunnel. It was not an easy journey but I thank God that I have been free from its grip for a number of years now! Take care for now Tracy! Alan
Delete"Writing saved me as it were!" I am not surprised by this statement and understand so well. Writing was the very thing that kept me going when I was in my tunnel. Kept me alive, if I may say it that way. I remember saying so many times, "I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel." I was going through a terrible divorce and I felt just like you, Allan. Lost and alone. But, God is good. We do eventually find our way out of the tunnel and later see how God was in the tunnel with us the entire time. Thanks so much for sharing your struggle with us. You are not alone in it!
ReplyDeleteHi Vickie! I trust the tunnel is but a memory for you now, albeit a difficult please to be. I appreciate your courage in naming your pain of divorce and admire you for your inner strength. I find my experience with the Tunnel made me more sensitive to the pain of others amd more aware of myself! I trust you are enjoying your life these days my friend!
DeleteInteresting how you said that God was not afraid to embrace depression. He touched the leper, and He embraces us with all of our problems. Isn't He a gracious, generous, humble Savior? So thankful that He does walk alongside us in our tunnels. Thank you for sharing this, Alan.
ReplyDeletePam
Hi Pam! Thank you for replying to my post on depression. Yes, when I stated that God is not afraid to embrace us in depression I was also thinking of how Jesus walked among those with leprosy etc. None of us are free from the fragility of this life. We all pretty well go through this life broken in some way. I am so thankful you are a person who would not shy away from those of us who survived depression yet may still feel its pull at times! I think you are an amazing woman! Take care my friend!
DeleteI too have walked that tunnel and have learnt some of the very things you mentioned. It truly is one of the loneliest places to be but you are right that we find God there with us. I hope you continue to write about your experiences that perhaps make others uncomfortable because there are always those who need to hear it. Those are who you are writing it for. Blessings
ReplyDeleteHello Gloria! Your reply to my post on depression comforted me. You obviously resonate with me in some way. I thank you for your encouragement to write more. That gives me strength to do so in the future. Yes, I think the truth of depression indeed makes some people uncomfortable, including followers of Jesus. This uncomfortableness only exposes the weakness, or brokenness within. Your encouragment and even the uncomfortableness of others ignites my writing. I think you must be a gift to the people who know and love you! Take care for now Gloria! Alan
DeleteThank you ladies for responding to my experience with the Tunnel! I think it helps us when there are people who can relate to its darkness and grip. I was a bit leary of posting this acount of my life. Thanks you for recognizing that such things as depression may also come into the lives of God's people. I'm so thankful that God taught me things about life in the Tunnel. I am happy to be among the company of writers who do not shy away from our frailties. My love to each of you! Alan
ReplyDeleteAlan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so vulnerable, and sharing from your heart. I have never experienced the tunnel of depression, but as you say, we all experience brokenness and the feeling of being alone. I'm so thankful that God walks with us each step of the way, even carrying us when we can't take even one more step. God also uses our experiences to comfort and encourage others going through similar experiences. Keep writing! Your story drew me in and I could feel the darkness and utter aloneness because of the way you expressed it.
Hi Ruth, I am so happy you have not experienced a tunnel as I write about it. God loves us in our brokenness yet He sees us as precious! I thank you for your acceptance of the fact that our experiences, even when not seemingly pretty, may still bring comfort and encouragement to others. I try to present this comfort etc. in my writing without minimizing pain as well as vulnerability.
DeleteThe tunnel is an apt image for depression, Alan, and one I can identify with from my personal experience with depression. Writing also helped me to work and pray my way through depression. Sometimes when we work hard to put food on the table, when we work hard to do our best in our chosen professions, when we spend time caring for our children and our spouse, we overextend ourselves. We become stressed. I am repeating this, but my psychologist explained to me that stress over a long time produces an imbalance in the chemicals in our brains which causes depression.
ReplyDeletePraying, reading God's word, re-creating ourselves with activities we enjoy, seeking silence, spending time with our family and close friends--all of this helps us to heal our brokenness. Focussing on God in our lives, going to counselling, reading inspirational material, and taking medicine if that is required.
I believe being open about our condition helps us heal and leaves the door open to help others who are struggling and feeling isolated because of depression. We can help others by writing and listening to others in need. Thanks for your post, Alan.
Hello Brother!
ReplyDeleteWell your vulnerability just helped a whole bunch of people - those who are dealing with depression or those who need to know what depression feels like. That's a nice & honourable gift. I thought through your tender and honest words and I must say how true they are. When that wretched imbalance happens and we flounder, that Tunnel becomes narrower and narrower. No one told me to shake off my cancer or to focus more on God and then it will go away when I was facing - goodness knows what. Nor should anyone think that way or think that is a way to 'get over' depression. It is very real. It is very serious. And it doesn't go away overnight - maybe susceptibility never goes away. Like you say, though, gratitude to God and knowing that He never leaves us or forsakes us, helps to keep a body upright and moving forward. (It's also okay to sit down for a rest once in a while, too!) :)