Daily stress slowly built up and became uncontrollable,
plunging me into the darkness of depression for three years (1997 to
2000). By the time I realized my tears
were more than the blues, I had slid into the quagmire of desolation. Besides the feeling of overwhelming sadness
that draped on my shoulders like a heavy dark cloak with a large hood covering
my head, hampering my view, almost suffocating me, I was always exhausted with
very low energy, and yet I suffered with insomnia. Panic attacks struck anytime, anywhere, with
screaming and wailing. Other symptoms
were weakened concentration and memory.
When I turned to my Bible for consolation, I’d read and re-read one
short verse over and over without ability to focus or to remember it even after
immediately reading it. I’d fall
exhausted into my bed to toss and turn, and weep the night away.
God seemed far away; a fine vapor that once had form. I wondered if He even existed anymore. Hope was a thin worn thread. Even human touch failed to give comfort. A hug felt distant and unreal. I felt totally isolated from people as if I
were in a deep narrow muddy pit, surrounded by darkness and demons. From the depths of the pit, I’d look up in
search of a light but my eyes were greeted with more darkness. I feared I’d
never recover. A sense of pending doom
and destruction weighed in the air. I
had fears of losing my mind and spending the remainder of my life in a straight
jacket, sitting in a corner of a padded cell, segregated from the world. Since I couldn’t feel God’s presence, I hoped
He’d at least hear me. In anguish I
prayed for relief, for healing, not to be forgotten and left alone forever.
There was one Bible verse to which I clung. Every night I read Psalm 4:8; “I will both
lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in
safety.” (KJV) Finally, a verse I could
focus on and remember! The thought of
sleeping in peace and being safe comforted me.
I clung with the little remaining strength I had to that verse.
Although, my heart told me that God had forsaken me because
I could not feel His presence, my head said He was with me because He promised
in His Word that He’d “never leave or forsake me” (Hebrews 13:5). I thanked Him for that many times throughout
the depression.
Today, I am alive, healthy, and strong (physically and
mentally) with the days of darkness far behind me because God kept His promises. He has filled my mouth with laughter and my
lips with shouts of joy! (Job 8:21) Hallelujah!
Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, Shirley. God does always fulfill His promises. It's a great thing to cling to when the dark night feels as though it will never end. God bless.
ReplyDeleteShirley, your description of depression is strong and accurate, so I'm glad your solution, to cling to God's promise, is also strong and accurate. He is ever faithful!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Shirley, for pouring out your heart so truthfully. I appreciate and can identify with the way you describe this time of your life. Your strong writing gives a strong message of how God can bring us out of the depths and desolation of depression. God loves us and hears our prayers when we reach out to him no matter what our circumstances. God can bring joy and singing back into our lives. Joy comes in the morning.
ReplyDeleteAt this year's conference I heard the stories of several of our members. As with you, Shirley, it almost seems like the Lord often combines unbearable challenge with the gift and call of writing. Only those who live through such circumstances can, with credibility, write about it and proclaim the Lord's goodness in it all.
ReplyDeleteYou've spoken the heart of many of us, Shirley, and of many Christians who can't express what they're feeling. Your willingness to be honest about it gives voice to those who can't find the words, as does that willingness of many of our InScribe writers.
Pray for the Word Warriors! This is HARD STUFF we are called to. May God bless each and every one of you.
We are often advised to listen to our hearts, but in this case, your head - what you KNEW about God to be true - is what kept you going. Thank you for sharing so intimately.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful story of God's faithful presence and healing. He is so good. Thanks for sharing your story with us Shirley.
ReplyDeleteGod is so good! I'm so happy for you Shirley, and thankful that you shared to the many of us who also struggle with the same troubles of depression and that silence from heaven. We serve a faithful God!
ReplyDelete