Romans 8:38-39 (NIV): For
I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither
the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height not depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
It was
painful. It was hard. It was lonely. It was an opportunity to
explore within myself. It was a time of
searching, for questioning and evaluating the meaning of my life. It was a time of feeling lost and not knowing
where God was. My life, my world, my
soul was falling apart. This time in my
life surprisingly set a direction for my writing!
I was
working full time to support my family.
I was a co-pastor of a church that held to a firm stand on doctrine and
theology. I was also trying to work on a
Masters degree by taking a course or two each year at seminary. Life was busy. Life was not too satisfying! There had to be more to life than all this
busyness and church performance. God was
not very clear in this picture. Life was
imbalanced. Something had to give and it
was and I was it
I found
myself in what I called the Tunnel!
Sometimes there were pockets of fog in the tunnel. Those were the really dark times. At the period of time in which the Tunnel was
part of my life it was not what many Christians wanted to hear about. In my experience the believers I knew would seemingly do all
they could to avoid hearing of Christians being in a Tunnel. Few acknowledged depression! Depression meant you were weak or had
wandered from God or were out of His will!
You were on your own dear brother!
Writing
saved me as it were! Writing was where
God spoke to me and I could then speak of God.
Sometimes I sensed God was in the shadows of the Tunnel. He was near and had never left me and I
learned that He understood depression. God was not afraid to embrace depression
and He was not afraid to embrace me in the Tunnel!
In much
of my writing God may not be glaringly apparent to many readers and perhaps
many Christian writers. God may not be apparent in depression
either! Many may not even be
interested in the darkness of the Tunnel.
I have to say however that after being in this darkness the light shines
even brighter!
I am
grateful for the Tunnel. I found I could
survive evaluating the meaning of my life.
I am grateful for my life, as simple as it is! I am grateful for my family for there I know
those who truly love me. I am grateful
for faith in God in spite of the human imperfections of His church. I am grateful that I can write and not be
worried about whether I become a known or famous writer.
For
readers who may relate to the Tunnel I trust you can also relate to
gratefulness in the fact that the Tunnel need not win. I am certainly not an authority or expert on
depression. I am however an expert on my
experience with depression, at least I think I am!
Even in the Tunnel and the threat of soul crushing
depression that assaulted me I knew God had not left me. This is the reality of my gratefulness!
