L is for Love at Christmas by Sandi Somers

 

At this Christmas season, it’s appropriate to talk about Love.

I grew up in an era when we weren’t accustomed to hugging many people—a friend later called us “cool Canadians”. At young age I felt people who hugged me cared for me more than others. Then God graciously sent me to South America where folks lavished hugs on others, not only family members and close friends, but even casual friends. When I returned to Canada, I hugged everyone to the surprise of some. One good neighbour was shocked. “We’re getting mushy, are we?” (Fortunately, nowadays we Canadians are given to more hugging.) 

Some years later, the psychologist Gary Chapman authored the book, The Five Love Languages (1992). In it he described five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are:

·        quality time, either through activity or through talking

·        physical touch

·        acts of service

·        receiving gifts

·        words of affirmation (I think everyone needs words of affirmation). 

How interesting that, although I didn’t have a psychological term for it, God had been revealing my primary love language long before I heard this concept. 

Knowing each others’ love language is a way to help you feel loved and appreciated. Misunderstanding can come when we don’t match another’s love language and expect them to match ours. 

We can discover someone’s love language by how they react to us. Someone frequently says how much they appreciate us. Another listens closely when we speak. Still another prefers to give gifts. They’re expressing their primary love language. 

On the other hand, when we don’t meet the love needs of others, people might complain. Which of the love needs might your spouse or family or friends complain about you? Or might you be dissatisfied in a relationship because your love language is missing? 

Here's a story that illustrates this last concept. Chapman recounted an incident in which a client's wife complained he didn’t love her. Chapman asked what she complained about. Well, he said she wanted him to help around the house. Acts of service was her love language, Chapman said. The client got the message. “Well then, bring on the vacuum cleaner!” he said. 

Now let’s expand our thinking to speak of God’s love for us. His love is perfect. Complete. Infinite. He is the One who can meet all our love needs. Romans 5:8 says it emphatically. “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” At Christmas we’re reminded of how much God loved us when He sent His Son, Jesus, “Emmanuel, God with Us.” 

God’s love has practical implications for us, too. Jesus told His disciples, “Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:12). As we love others in the greatest capacity that we know, the Spirit will infuse us with greater love, including expressing our love with appropriate love languages. 

As writers, we have an opportunity to incorporate love languages in our novels and non-fiction. You can heighten conflict when couples don’t match love languages. Can they discuss their needs? Or does conflict escalate? Or how about tangled family relationships caused by love language mix-ups? How can you bring your characters to an understanding that God loves them more than they can think or imagine? 

My prayer for us all this Christmas is that as we discover our own and the love languages of others, we can more fully love them as Christ would have us love. 

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Note: While Chapman’s first book focused on the marriage relationship, he has written other Five Love Language books: for parents of children and teenagers, for single adults, and a special version for men. A Love Languages Quiz® is online. You can access it here. https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language