Some days I Feast ... and some days I go hungry ...
Faith feeds writing ... as writing feeds faith ...
Tear stained prayers and laments occupy more pages of my journals than the dear diary this is what I did today kind. I've heard songwriters complain that most of their lyrics are morose; that many songs are penned in heartbreak. There is something universal to writing out one's pain in those dark days of the soul. Many times I have wondered/thought that my faith is stronger during times of difficulty, during times when I needed God for every breath I taken ... and wondered if faith fades when I rely on myself too much. The dark days are sometimes the blessings in disguise, the blessings I would not wish on anyone. For me, these times of writing give voice to the disturbing questions, helping me find clarity in the confusion, and forcing me to dig deeper, going beyond the churchy pat answers that just don't fit. Perhaps the reason my pen has not been as prolific lately, is because my life is going too well at the moment? But would God want me to remain in a heavy-hearted mode, to stay close to Him? Or does He want me to learn to rejoice? I pray that I may continue to walk close to God and be grateful for the beauty of this abundant season, for the beauty of His grace-filled days. And to keep me on my knees, I have more than enough prayer requests coming my way on behalf of other people.
In contemplating how faith and writing spur each other on ... these words spilled out in two short poems.
I write to right what has gone wrong,
to turn laments into a praise or song
I write to say Thanks, more often to beg please
I write hesitantly while on my knees,
I scribble blindly through the tears,
I write immobilized by overwhelming fears
Sometimes I write from a sense of duty,
Sometimes it's the sheer enjoyment and beauty,
And often, looking back I marvel to see
Divine intervention has brought clarity.
God's signature is all over the page.
So as I write along the way,
My hope is to taste sweet manna each day.
(I hope to be feasting till my final day.)
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.
But why do I still want?
Why have my longings continued?
I want to feel loved,
I want to feel accepted.
Help me be loving and accepting.
I want to travel, to explore your world
And I want to be settled at home.
Some days I want to be at home with you.
I want to stand firm in the winds of change
And Lord, the changes are happening all the time, I can't keep up.
I want to be a person of prayer, a woman of good deeds,
but time is occupied with immediate needs.
And sometimes my wants seem shallow, I'm embarrassed to say
Caught up with things that seem important at the time
I want my spirit to be at ease,
I want to go with the flow, your flow.
Really God, what I want is ... You.
He leads me beside still waters,
He restores my soul.
Some days I feast and some days I go hungry. With Paul, I am learning to be content in all my days.