U is for Ugly, by Susan Barclay

 

Our stories are important and have value - even the "ugly" parts. Our stories aren't meant to be hidden; hiding the facts of our real lives implies shame, which is actually a component of pride. Think about it. 

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (5th edition) defines shame as 

1. A painful emotion caused by the awareness of having done something wrong or foolish. 
2. Respect for propriety or morality.
3. A pervasive, negative emotional state, usually originating in childhood, marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure.

Pride says, "Don't let anyone know you've done something wrong or foolish. Don't let anyone know you've behaved improperly or immorally. Don't let anyone know you've failed." Pride wants to project an image of perfection, an image of superiority. Pride is associated with the enemy of our souls.

How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who laid the nations low! You said in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit on the mount of assembly on the heights of Zaphon; I will ascend to the tops of the clouds, I will make myself like the Most High" ~Isaiah 14:12-14

satan, the prince of pride, wants us to keep the embarrassing parts of our stories secret. He wants us to believe we need to project to the world a certain image of ourselves, an image of someone who has it all together, who does no wrong. When Adam and Eve "realized they were naked...they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves" (Genesis 3:7). Why? Because they wanted to appear clean, not just physically but spiritually. Of course, their efforts backfired because there's just no hiding from God.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. ~Hebrews 4:13

If we didn't know the ugly parts of Adam and Eve's story or the ugly parts of the stories of so many figures from the Bible, would Jesus's story have as much impact? How would we know we even need Jesus at all?

When we cover up the ugly parts of our stories, we do ourselves and others a disfavour and we fail to honour God. We're giving people a false impression of who we are and what our lives look like, and we're denying them the freedom to be real with us in exchange. Because, guess what? All of our stories have components of ugliness. There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

Author and social scientist, Brene Brown, has much to say about the value of vulnerability:

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experience.

Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

When we refuse to be vulnerable and truth-telling, we miss opportunities to connect, to share our experiences with others in ways that might help them, to show the empathy and compassion that naturally result from going through trials, to bless and be blessed. We even miss the opportunity to glorify God, which is a big reason we are here.

Sharing the ugly parts of our stories is hard. We don't know how others will respond. Will they react with kindness and understanding or with judgment and fear? Will they move toward or away from us? Will they grieve with us (if that's what we need), or ridicule and gossip about us? These are legitimate concerns. I know one couple who shared their heartbreaking story with their pastor and his wife. The pastor and his wife promised to walk alongside them in their journey, then immediately cut them off and had nothing more to do with them. This grieves the heart of God! 

What should we do with our ugly when we don't want the negative reactions but want to share our stories to encourage and give hope to others, to let them know what God has done in our lives? I believe there are a number of things:

1. Start by asking God what He wants you to do. Maybe there's a specific person, couple, family, or group that He wants you to share with. You don't have to spill your "guts" to the whole world unless He specifically says so.
2. Start also by telling your story to one or two people you absolutely trust to hold it gently. They may know someone else who needs to hear your experience and reassurance that God is on the throne. He is working behind the scenes even when we cannot see. His timing and ways are not ours.
   
3. Respond in obedience to God's leading and nudges. Start small if you have to. He honours the small beginnings (ref Zechariah 4:10). 
4. Ask yourself what you're willing to bear for His sake. Also, know yourself: how thick is your "skin"? As writers, we have likely all experienced rejection of our work, but rejection of our most personal stories and selves is another thing. Remember, that if God is calling you to share it, He's giving you the strength to bear the outcomes. If even just one person is helped by sharing, is it worth it?
   
5. Recognize that you're not responsible for how others respond. Leave their responses to the LORD, as well as any personal need for vindication. 
6. Make God the focus and centre of your story, not yourself.
7. Use a pen name if you feel God is calling you to share your story publicly but you're not ready to identify yourself.
8. Make sure you have permission to share from others who are intimately connected with your story. If your spouse, children, or parents are involved and the story reflects negatively on them, you may need to wait for them to be willing. Without their agreement, you can only share your part.
   
9. Remember the impact of other people's stories on you. I'm sure we've all read the work of authors whose stories have power. God can use our stories, too, especially if we're willing to be vulnerable! 
10. Remember that God has allowed our trials and struggles for a purpose. We aren't to be ashamed of them (in spite of any regrets we may have) and we aren't to hide them under a bushel. We were made for connection. Again, you don't have to share all the gory details with the whole world. You can dip your toes in the water with just one person.

I hope this post has given all of us food for thought. 

Be encouraged:

He gives "beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." ~Isaiah 61:3

[His] ways [are] higher than [our] ways and [His] thoughts than [our] thoughts ~Isaiah 55:9.

Trust Him to "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." ~Ephesians 3:20

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose ~Romans 8:28. If it's not good, then He's not done!

Don't be ashamed of ugly. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2), the Author of your story! Let Him use your story and turn for good what the enemy meant for evil (Genesis 50:20). Let Him make something beautiful out of your whole life. He is able!!

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For more about Susan Barclay and her writing, please visit www.susan-barclay.blogspot.com.