U is for Ugly, by Susan Barclay

 

Our stories are important and have value - even the "ugly" parts. Our stories aren't meant to be hidden; hiding the facts of our real lives implies shame, which is actually a component of pride. Think about it. 

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (5th edition) defines shame as 

1. A painful emotion caused by the awareness of having done something wrong or foolish. 
2. Respect for propriety or morality.
3. A pervasive, negative emotional state, usually originating in childhood, marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure.

Pride says, "Don't let anyone know you've done something wrong or foolish. Don't let anyone know you've behaved improperly or immorally. Don't let anyone know you've failed." Pride wants to project an image of perfection, an image of superiority. Pride is associated with the enemy of our souls.

How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who laid the nations low! You said in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit on the mount of assembly on the heights of Zaphon; I will ascend to the tops of the clouds, I will make myself like the Most High" ~Isaiah 14:12-14

satan, the prince of pride, wants us to keep the embarrassing parts of our stories secret. He wants us to believe we need to project to the world a certain image of ourselves, an image of someone who has it all together, who does no wrong. When Adam and Eve "realized they were naked...they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves" (Genesis 3:7). Why? Because they wanted to appear clean, not just physically but spiritually. Of course, their efforts backfired because there's just no hiding from God.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. ~Hebrews 4:13

If we didn't know the ugly parts of Adam and Eve's story or the ugly parts of the stories of so many figures from the Bible, would Jesus's story have as much impact? How would we know we even need Jesus at all?

When we cover up the ugly parts of our stories, we do ourselves and others a disfavour and we fail to honour God. We're giving people a false impression of who we are and what our lives look like, and we're denying them the freedom to be real with us in exchange. Because, guess what? All of our stories have components of ugliness. There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

Author and social scientist, Brene Brown, has much to say about the value of vulnerability:

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experience.

Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

When we refuse to be vulnerable and truth-telling, we miss opportunities to connect, to share our experiences with others in ways that might help them, to show the empathy and compassion that naturally result from going through trials, to bless and be blessed. We even miss the opportunity to glorify God, which is a big reason we are here.

Sharing the ugly parts of our stories is hard. We don't know how others will respond. Will they react with kindness and understanding or with judgment and fear? Will they move toward or away from us? Will they grieve with us (if that's what we need), or ridicule and gossip about us? These are legitimate concerns. I know one couple who shared their heartbreaking story with their pastor and his wife. The pastor and his wife promised to walk alongside them in their journey, then immediately cut them off and had nothing more to do with them. This grieves the heart of God! 

What should we do with our ugly when we don't want the negative reactions but want to share our stories to encourage and give hope to others, to let them know what God has done in our lives? I believe there are a number of things:

1. Start by asking God what He wants you to do. Maybe there's a specific person, couple, family, or group that He wants you to share with. You don't have to spill your "guts" to the whole world unless He specifically says so.
2. Start also by telling your story to one or two people you absolutely trust to hold it gently. They may know someone else who needs to hear your experience and reassurance that God is on the throne. He is working behind the scenes even when we cannot see. His timing and ways are not ours.
   
3. Respond in obedience to God's leading and nudges. Start small if you have to. He honours the small beginnings (ref Zechariah 4:10). 
4. Ask yourself what you're willing to bear for His sake. Also, know yourself: how thick is your "skin"? As writers, we have likely all experienced rejection of our work, but rejection of our most personal stories and selves is another thing. Remember, that if God is calling you to share it, He's giving you the strength to bear the outcomes. If even just one person is helped by sharing, is it worth it?
   
5. Recognize that you're not responsible for how others respond. Leave their responses to the LORD, as well as any personal need for vindication. 
6. Make God the focus and centre of your story, not yourself.
7. Use a pen name if you feel God is calling you to share your story publicly but you're not ready to identify yourself.
8. Make sure you have permission to share from others who are intimately connected with your story. If your spouse, children, or parents are involved and the story reflects negatively on them, you may need to wait for them to be willing. Without their agreement, you can only share your part.
   
9. Remember the impact of other people's stories on you. I'm sure we've all read the work of authors whose stories have power. God can use our stories, too, especially if we're willing to be vulnerable! 
10. Remember that God has allowed our trials and struggles for a purpose. We aren't to be ashamed of them (in spite of any regrets we may have) and we aren't to hide them under a bushel. We were made for connection. Again, you don't have to share all the gory details with the whole world. You can dip your toes in the water with just one person.

I hope this post has given all of us food for thought. 

Be encouraged:

He gives "beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." ~Isaiah 61:3

[His] ways [are] higher than [our] ways and [His] thoughts than [our] thoughts ~Isaiah 55:9.

Trust Him to "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." ~Ephesians 3:20

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose ~Romans 8:28. If it's not good, then He's not done!

Don't be ashamed of ugly. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2), the Author of your story! Let Him use your story and turn for good what the enemy meant for evil (Genesis 50:20). Let Him make something beautiful out of your whole life. He is able!!

_____________________

For more about Susan Barclay and her writing, please visit www.susan-barclay.blogspot.com. 

 

Q is for Quotient, as In Emotional by Bob Jones

How is your EQ? 

All through my school years I was informed that IQ was the key to success. But then I learned about Emotional Quotient (EQ). The people who know about people say that EQ is more important than IQ when it comes to being successful.

 

I am a left-brain, conceptual kind of person. Logic and rational thinking come naturally. I’ve heard it said, “People won’t remember what you say, they will remember how you made them feel.” That’s all about EQ. By preference, I’m far more about choice of words and informing than inspiring. And I want to inspire. I wonder if using EQ is the difference between informing and inspiring in writing?

 

I coach myself to remember that the truth is, we’re driven by emotions. To write well, I need to understand people — their motivations, needs, hopes, fears, and dreams — and speak to them as the emotional, irrational beings we all are. I constantly need to remember that it’s OK to bring my whole self to the page, not just a few rational ideas. Could I ever be good at “people” and feelings? I hope so. 

 

 Logically, one of my writing goals for 2024 is to build my EQ.

 

9 Steps I Am Using to Build Emotional Intelligence

 

1. Take life seriously, but not taking myself seriously. If you take yourself seriously you will never fail because you won’t try anything new or hard or risky or controversial. And you will never succeed. I had to get used to having my motives and intelligence questioned, being misunderstood, and feeling like no one would ever ask me to write anything ever again.

 

2. Take a good hard look at addictions (we all have addictions: food, technology, thinking, alcohol, relationships, etc.) and considering how I use them to avoid feeling. My addiction is chips. Every kind of chip (except ketchup). Chips are my comfort food. I crave them when I need comfort and want to avoid feeling defeated or depressed.

 

3. Curiosity. Why do I act the way I do? What is driving me? Why do I have such a struggle with ending a sentence with the word “for”? All through school, we were informed that no intelligent writer would ever end a sentence with the word “for”. I am tempted to do it all the time. I feel lazy when I do because there must be a better grammatical way to end a sentence. And then I was set free by articles stating, “You can end a sentence with for.” Looks like ending a sentence with the word “for” is OK with everyday kind of people.

 

4. Seek to understand rather than judge. Believing that other people are doing the best they can (no matter how much you think the evidence screams otherwise) is the only way to live judgment free. You are doing the best you can, right? Same with others. And if their best is bad for you, there is no verse in God’s good Word that says you have to spend equal amounts of time with all people.

 

5. Have the courage to feel. Anger is a hard one for me. Not that I don’t get angry but that I don’t want others to see I am angry. Especially those who make me angry. And then I remember that no one can make me angry. Anger is a choice. Like rejoice. So saying, “I feel angry” rather than, “You made me angry” has been helpful for our marriage.

 

6. Slowing down. Really. S-L-O-W down. God’s pace is slow. Forty years in the wilderness and 2000 years since Jesus promised he was coming again soon.

 

7. Letting go of my ideas on how life should be and embracing how it actually is. I want there to be peace in Ukraine. I’ve been there, met new friends, little kids, and talented teens. I want them to live in freedom. I want to go back soon with my wife Jocelyn to introduce her to these wonderful people. But I have to be real and realize peace may be a long time coming.

 

8. Being vulnerable. Brené Brown is my champion of vulnerability. Her book, “Rising Strong” is my go to for vulnerability. She says, “Walking into our stories of hurt can feel dangerous.” I read her story about her addiction to alcohol. That was courageous to share. And she informed me how to live judgment free.

 

9. Giving up the irrational expectation that people and their actions should be logical and predictable. That's the only way not to die of disappointed when my brilliant ideas are found wanting by the people I am writing for.

 

How’s your EQ? How do you make use of it in your writing?

Sincerely, thank you for reading. And commenting.

 

Bob enjoys signing books for kids like Spider Mabel.

You can read weekly content from Bob on Ukraine and other interesting subjects at REVwords.com

Bad Breath and Bravery by Connie Inglis

"Breathings of your heart." There's a warmth to that phrase. It is beautiful and gentle but honestly, not always realistic. We have all had morning breath, or garlic breath. Sometimes we snore. Sometimes we belch. Admittedly, sometimes our breathings are not pleasant. The physical solution is to brush our teeth, have a mint, chew some gum. But what about our internal breathings, when they are not gentle but ugly? What do we as writers do with that?

At the end of last year our family went through a tumultuous time (see my Dec. 2014 post). So much uncertainty. Yet through it all, God was faithful. We continue to work through things and He has brought abundant healing. Still, fear seems to be dying a slow death. Every now and then it lifts its moribund head and points its enfeebled finger at me. And to my surprise, I cringe.

Can I write about that? When life is foul? When human fears niggle at my heart and mind? I have found that it is especially in those dark times that I NEED to write in order to process. Last fall a writer friend gave me the book, Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo. This book has helped me write with the purpose to heal and I recommend it to anyone who needs a guide to be able to do that. I journalled my way through those months, kept my sanity, and clung to God. Many of the poems I wrote for November's NaNoWriMo (I did the Writer's Digest Poem-a-Day prompts) voiced my pain--some hope but mostly pain. It was therapy--Holy Spirit-driven therapy. I knew God's presence as I breathed out my fears, my anger, my angst, my questions. And I also knew that God did not condemn my vulnerability--that He loves me ALL the time and accepts me, bad breath and all. 

So, can I, should I, share these breathings with others? I am learning that if I truly DO believe that my worth is found in God and that He loves me unconditionally (Jeremiah 31:3), then I can be vulnerable with others. I can be brave in sharing who I really am in my writing. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown says it this way: "Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection." 

Last November, in the thick of a long list of unexpected events, something especially painful happened. A group of people that we felt safe with came alongside us in all our questions of what to do. But instead of showing grace and love with a listening ear, they bombarded us with questions, gave us advice, and then shunned us when all we needed was support. I was so hurt and angered by the experience that for a while I couldn't even voice my pain. But I found I could write my pain and it helped me heal. 

Since then, I've had two opportunities to come alongside someone struggling in the same way. God gave me the courage to be vulnerable and share a specific poem--an ugly poem that expressed my pain. My breathings did not offer answers but they did offer connection and comfort. They knew that I understood their pain and anger and that they weren't alone. And both these people thanked me for my honesty. 

And now God is asking me to be brave right now and share this poem here. My prayer is that it will resonate with someone who has felt rejection and offer comfort. I must also add: I am SO thankful that God never rejects me, never rejects you--that His love is unlimited and relentless.

Rejection

Those sorries said are whitewashed tombs,

A cultured, hollow word,

A sorry here, a sorry there,

So heartless, dead, absurd.

You speak of care so tenderly,

With arms so stiff and cold,

In corpse-like form you shut the door,

And toss me from the fold.

Sepulchre of hypocrisy,

Rejection’s work is done,

For actions are the tell-tale sign,

And yours—they count for none.