Ubiquitous Una Understands by Joylene M Bailey

 

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Well dear readers, I'm not sure I can be held responsible for the places my creative brain goes when given the letter U to work with. Thank you in advance for your indulgence and understanding. 

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To Whom it May Concern at Vogue Magazine Except for the Mail Department and any Underlings;

     Your publication is unequivocally unobjectionable. It has come to my attention, however, that the magazine could be uniformly better if you employed an advice columnist. 

     I propose myself for this propitious role since I'm veritably prolific with advice, and, I most humbly and unobtrusively admit, an expert in most things. Anyone will tell you I am upright to the utmost and undeniably urbane. People often utter that my advice gives them shivers.

     The column will be called Una Understands, for I understand the human condition and possess useful advice. I think things through, but I can also be ultroneous at times. I believe this unique quality cannot be undermined. People appreciate me. I'm there for them, anytime and all the time.

     For example, I have been there for my new young neighbours since they moved in two years ago. I drop over at least three times a week with food and life suggestions, unseasoned as they are. Ultimately, I've lived quite a long time and have garnered umpteen useful things.

     When they first moved in, I urged them to update the ugly beige siding, to umber possibly, because the ultramarine shutters clashed. I gave them the name of my brother-in-law who is a contractor. I don't take umbrage when they don't follow my advice right away. (Which is a good characteristic for an advice columnist.) It's understandable. The new baby keeps them busy. There's something wrong with it, it ululates at least once a day.

     Since they're so busy, I'm helping with the garden. It became overgrown with the flowers they planted last year, and as I unfolded the value of vegetables to them, I gave them my leftover seeds. They haven't had time to plant them yet, but I've dug up the flowers for them, so the garden is all ready for planting whenever they can get away from that baby.

     They don't bring the baby outside anymore, and I can't tell if it's getting enough roughage. I know all about babies, my sister had three.

     George, my other neighbour, values my advice no end. He's always saying, "Una, you are incorrigible." But of course he means incorruptible. He's always getting those two mixed up, poor thing.

     I haven't seen him in a while, he's never home when I go knock on his door, and now there's a for sale sign on his lawn. I suppose he got fed up with that upstart Carter across the street, who used to mow George's lawn--quite the wrong way, in my view, and I told him so every time he was out there. Carter has now given up on the job, undisciplined urchin. You never can trust kids these days, and poor George has been mowing it himself, which he finds difficult with the cane, you know, but I've told him I'm coming up with an idea to make his life unbelievably better.

     Oh yes, an advice column will be no problem for me. Physically, I mean. You see, I will have my own office to work in, now that Morris has passed on. He used to spend hours working in there with Rudolf and Valentino purring away on the desk. Plumbers have so much paperwork nowadays, I can't imagine how they're expected to do the actual plumbing. But sure enough, as soon as Morris got home from work, he'd say, "Una dear, I'll take my supper in my office. So much paperwork tonight." I'd hear the papers rustling while the football game played on the office TV. How unfortunate that he couldn't just sit back and enjoy the evening. The most uxorious man who ever lived, and I miss him unmistakably.

     As you can see, my specific gifts will be significantly useful to your publication, and I urge you to undergo this change with Una Understands at the helm, to bring your magazine to its utmost untouchability.

Undauntedly,

Una Uxbridge

P.S. Undoubtedly, you noticed my competency with vocabulary. I read the dictionary regularly and have just completed the U section.  

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Feature Image by Oliver Kepka of Pixabay

Joy writes from lake country, Alberta, and thanks you for indulging her crazy creative brain. In case you are still wondering about two usually unused U words in this post, Ultroneous means spontaneous, voluntary. And Uxoriousness means foolish fondness for a wife. 

Find more of her joy-infused writing at Scraps of Joy, where a new post was published on Sept. 2.