Before I went to Bible School and Seminary, there was only one way I would answer a potential dilemma. I subconsciously asked, "What is the quickest way for me to address these feelings of inadequacy, fear, and ambivalence?" I had no mind or spine of my own. I also didn't have a voice. I did what I was told, for the most part. I was dependent on others to direct my decisions.
Fear and worry ruled my trauma-based life. This was my routine; I knew no other way of living and doing life.
In 2017, I began working on a book called Evil Lurking: From electric Chair to Kingdom Grace. What journey of wrestling through dilemmas. My characters helped me know what I believe and want to do. What a blessing. God's goodness and grace brought me through this emotional rollercoaster wilderness.
Many people help me along the process. PageMaster Publishing assisted with the editing and publishing of review copies. The writers from Beaumont Writers' Group, Elim Writers Club, friends and supporters who allowed me to interview them. And Milton and Gloria, who offered to be George and Gertrude, two characters of the book, went above and beyond. Check out the YouTube Channel if you like. There is some good information about addressing dilemmas.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkzcnFgxv_keAflhGRPGBbQ
Every week, I attend a group called Spirit Life Circles. We check in, listen to a worship song, and then do dialogue journaling. This means we follow the 4 keys to hearing God's voice as taught by Dr. Virkler from Communion with God.
This is the poem I received on May 18, 2022.
Filled my emptiness with Your goodness.
Finding trust, love, and mercy
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your Spirit
Freeing my imprisoned soul.
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your power.
Fueling my creative releases.
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your sustenance
Feeding my inner spirit
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with movement.
Favouring inner over the outer.
Forever.
Over the past twenty years since my last suicide attempt, much of my life has changed.
Making up my own mind is easier--even rewarding--taking responsibility for my own decisions has helped me mature, heal, and creatively express myself. What Joy!
Grappling with ethical dilemmas may be stressful, emotionally painful, and take us on a rollercoaster ride, but it is worth it.
Have you been on this rollercoaster ride?
Martina Keast MYS EXAP GCSICA COCM 
Dear Martina, the repetition of the word "forever" in your inspiring poem spoke huge encouragement to me. I'm glad God is forever with us in whatever situations we must face.
ReplyDeleteThank you & blessings ~ Wendy Mac
Yes, Wendy, He finds surprising ways to communicate His love to us.
DeleteI am not sure why I showed up as "anonymous" in my response to you, Wendy.
DeleteThank you for sharing so candidly. God has been good!
ReplyDeleteYes, Tracy, one way to describe my writing path is sharing candidly where I have come from, and where I am today. It has been quite a journey this far and I am sure there are more surprises up ahead.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're a stronger person today. We all fall when tempted, like the time I wanted to slap a senior man into the next universe. But I held back and asked the Lord for forgiveness.
ReplyDeletePraise the Lord. Be blessed Anonymous
DeleteDear Martina, Your message gives me a need to ponder life. The following line caused me to sit quiet..." Over the past twenty years since my last suicide attempt, much of my life has changed." Thank you God for the faith and perseverance of our sister and your deep love for her. This deep love holding her, "Forever." Blessings and love to you, Martina.
ReplyDeleteDear Alan, I am blessed. Recovery journeys are painful but if we remember Jesus is right next to us, we can make it through the dark times. Blessings
DeleteThanks, Martina, for your honest and caring look back at your life. The sentence that caught my attention was: "God's goodness and grace brought me through this emotional rollercoaster wilderness." God does do that for us!!
ReplyDeleteYes, Sandi. To think I don't like being on a roller coaster.
DeleteMartina, your post touched my heart and stirred my own memories. May God continue to encourage, uplift and amaze you. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sharon. I appreciate your comment. I like to hear that my writing touches hearts and memories. Healing can flow as we surrender to the Lord.
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