Before I went to Bible School and Seminary, there was only one way I would answer a potential dilemma. I subconsciously asked, "What is the quickest way for me to address these feelings of inadequacy, fear, and ambivalence?" I had no mind or spine of my own. I also didn't have a voice. I did what I was told, for the most part. I was dependent on others to direct my decisions.
Fear and worry ruled my trauma-based life. This was my routine; I knew no other way of living and doing life.
In 2017, I began working on a book called Evil Lurking: From electric Chair to Kingdom Grace. What journey of wrestling through dilemmas. My characters helped me know what I believe and want to do. What a blessing. God's goodness and grace brought me through this emotional rollercoaster wilderness.
Many people help me along the process. PageMaster Publishing assisted with the editing and publishing of review copies. The writers from Beaumont Writers' Group, Elim Writers Club, friends and supporters who allowed me to interview them. And Milton and Gloria, who offered to be George and Gertrude, two characters of the book, went above and beyond. Check out the YouTube Channel if you like. There is some good information about addressing dilemmas.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkzcnFgxv_keAflhGRPGBbQ
Every week, I attend a group called Spirit Life Circles. We check in, listen to a worship song, and then do dialogue journaling. This means we follow the 4 keys to hearing God's voice as taught by Dr. Virkler from Communion with God.
This is the poem I received on May 18, 2022.
Filled my emptiness with Your goodness.
Finding trust, love, and mercy
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your Spirit
Freeing my imprisoned soul.
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your power.
Fueling my creative releases.
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with Your sustenance
Feeding my inner spirit
Forever.
Filled my emptiness with movement.
Favouring inner over the outer.
Forever.
Over the past twenty years since my last suicide attempt, much of my life has changed.
Making up my own mind is easier--even rewarding--taking responsibility for my own decisions has helped me mature, heal, and creatively express myself. What Joy!
Grappling with ethical dilemmas may be stressful, emotionally painful, and take us on a rollercoaster ride, but it is worth it.
Have you been on this rollercoaster ride?
Martina Keast MYS EXAP GCSICA COCM 