Clearing the Wall - Gloria Guest

She was my editor. And, in my opinion, she was my workplace bully.

I’m not talking about corrections or suggestions on my work. I wish I was. I am talking about an editor who I did not believe adequately had my back but who seemed to be competing with me; an editor whose ethics I felt, clashed with mine and gave me little to no room to discuss it. But it was when I changed my mind about taking an offered position to work from the office rather than continue to freelance, that I started to feel ignored whenever I came into the office by the entire staff, including herself.

Fortunately I had the experience of working as a reporter under a previous editor for a different newspaper in which I had maintained an excellent rapport. It was this background experience that gave me the wherewithal to come to the understanding that this problem between me and my editor was not all me; that I didn’t deserve to feel like my thoughts and ideas were shoved aside or that my integrity was being diminished. And I certainly didn’t deserve to feel ignored. And upon a lot of reflection and an open conversation with her, I came to understand that this was not a healthy place for me to be. Besides working as a reporter, I also wrote a weekly column. I loved writing my column. The day that I quit, I knew who would be asked to replace me in writing it before the door even closed behind me. Painful.

Obstacles. They stretch behind me in my life like the hurdles in a race; many of them knocked over. Of course I haven’t finished the race; there is still time for improvement. There is a lot of hard work behind me but also ahead of me. But I do get tired. I was very despondent for a long time after I left my job. Depression started to roll into my life like a heavy storm.  I had more tools this time, learnt from years of counseling and did work hard at trying to keep it at bay. Yet it was persistent and strong. Isolation, with my husband on the road and just moving to a new community, definitely didn’t help. Past emotional problems that I thought I had recovered from, loomed again. And worst of all perhaps was the fact that the joy of writing had left me again. And although I had known that everything was not my fault with my editor, I now pretty much believed that it was. My hurdle had turned into a wall of depression.

I’ve had a son in the Canadian Armed Forces for the past ten years now. When he was initially taking his first year of training in Kingston, Ontario at the Royal Military College, the parents were invited to a weekend to watch the different squadrons compete in a grueling obstacle course. If there ever was a perfect object lesson on getting through life, this is it.  We followed our sons’ squadron through the course and no matter how hard, how many struggled, how many fell, they never quit. It was up and on to the next one. And then they came to the Wall. This one was considered the greatest challenge. And this one required every ounce of their strength as a team. Nobody would be getting over it by themselves. Our sons’ team had practiced the Wall relentlessly. In the end they didn’t win the obstacle race but they were the team that cleared the wall the fastest. It was a thrill to watch the teamwork which it took to clear it. And it’s stuck in my mind during some of my darkest times. Will I let the Wall defeat me? Or any of the other obstacles placed in my path? Some obstacles can for the most part be run with just myself and God. And He truly has carried me through. Yet with the Wall, He calls me to join with others; to not isolate; to allow myself to care for others and let others care for me. Only in that way will I clear the Wall.

In the past year I have taken stock of some of the good that has come from the bad; the open doors (even if just a crack) from the closed.

-If I had continued to work at my fast paced reporter job I never would have had the time that I have had to welcome my two (now seven, but at the time 4 year old twin grand-daughters) into our family. With my new found time I spent countless hours with them and they and I truly bonded as grandma and grand-daughters. I then also had the joy of welcoming their baby sister and had time to enjoy the three of them and be a support to their parents J And to top it off we had a fourth grand-daughter join our family this year (my military son and his wife's child.)

-In my attempt to take some small steps to write again I took two writing classes from the University of Toronto. I wasn’t able to continue due to financial and other reasons but I found the encouragement of strangers and especially my instructor uplifting. Maybe I really could write again.

-I entered a story into the Inscribe Christmas Anthology. This became my first published article since my newspaper days (other than a poem in Inscribe and my blogs) and my first attempt at getting any of my writing published beyond a newspaper. A small step yes, but an important one for me and a lesson in teamwork. It was a friend who suggested and encouraged it and it was Inscribe who gave me the opportunity and allowed it to happen. Thank you Pam. And thank you Inscribe.

There are other steps I have taken to clear some of those obstacles. It has undoubtedly been a hard, long struggle in my life again. I can’t say that I’m over the Wall yet. But I won’t quit trying.

With Remembrance Day just past, and my son currently serving in Latvia/Lithuania he has been on my mind a lot. I’m so thankful for all of our serving Armed Forces past and present. And I’m grateful beyond measure for one young soldier that I call my own; who gave and continues to give his mother a tremendous object lesson in clearing the hurdles and obstacles in my life. Thank you Gareth.

Gloria  resides in Caron, Sk., with her husband and two cats where she continues to clear the obstacles of life including the Wall.