Once again I struggled to write this blog post. It wasn’t for lack of wanting to but simply because I couldn’t figure out what direction to take; just what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. The subject of gifts is an expansive one with many avenues that could be written about, especially at Christmas time. I pondered the subject all month but the more I thought on it, the less decisive I felt. I didn’t feel as if I could possibly hear what God wanted me to say or that I had anything worth saying.
It’s only been in the past two years that I’ve finally recognized the presence of anxiety in my life. I came to know the ugly face of depression fairly early in my adult life, but anxiety’s presence alluded me, most likely I was shocked to realize, because I had always lived with it, even from infancy (I was able to pinpoint this time frame due to remembering things my mother had told me about myself in my early days). For me, anxiety had always been present in my life, due to early childhood trauma and so it was as normal as the rising of the sun each day. I live with it. But not always well.
Indecision is a part of anxiety for me and therefore plays a role in all of my choices and decisions that I make each day. Some decisions are monumental for me and although writing is a joy, deciding what to write about usually isn’t.
This morning I took a random ink blot test on line that was supposed to reveal your inner struggles. My results turned out very accurate stating that I was ‘often overwhelmed with life and felt as if life was a huge test for which I hadn’t studied’. It’s like they read my mail! It also said that if I would learn to relax I wouldn’t find things to be quite so difficult. Huh! Easy for them to say!
Still, I decided that since I didn’t know what to write about I’d ‘relax’ by cleaning out my purse. And as I did I found one of those little cards that the Salvation Army gives you when you make a donation at the store. I’d forgotten about it but decided to read the inside. Here is what it said:
“I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27 (NLT) Underneath were written the words:
We are not alone as we face every challenge in life because God is not only with us, He is within us!
In one simple act of ‘relaxing,’ God gave me first of all the reassurance that He is always there for me in all of my anxiety and indecision and secondly He gave me direction as to what to write about.
Still anxiety crept in around the edges and I hesitated. It’s hard to be honest about where I’m at. I’d much rather write about where I’ve been and how I’ve conquered. But I kept sensing the words, “If you don’t write the truth, why write?”
God wanted me to write the truth, to write about the struggle I was in right this moment. Because that is where He meets me; in the moment, with His good gifts that only He can give. The gift is in His Presence.