March 21, 2015

The Reluctant Author-----Jocelyn Faire


I must confess to introducing myself as the Reluctant Author.

My journey into official writing began ... ten years ago.

I had often been told I had a way with words, frequently asked to speak. Life was full and rich, busy with a part time nursing career, raising three fabulous children, supporting my husband's business, working in the church, the community ... one of those Blessed Lives. And I was grateful.

And then everything changed in a moment, on an icy road, and I received that phone call from hell that no parent wants ... And the three young people that sat at my festive dining room table two months before, would never again come home for Christmas.

After the events of February 2005, I felt a compelling, an urge to write my thoughts and struggles. I had been a long-time journaller, and now I wrote my questions and hashed through my doubts with God. (He didn't write back, other than what he had already written.) Things were better when I wrote, it was one outlet for grief and brought clarity to confusion. Those early days, I also walked and walked, and as one heavy foot stepped in front of the other, I knew that I would need to share my story, some day.

I argued with God, tried to negotiate a better outcome for the way the grief impacted my life, my husband, my surviving daughter. God is a tough negotiator, but He is kind and infinitely patient, more patient with me, than I am with myself. (As I type this Twyla Paris is singing in the background ... You are God alone, and right now in the good times and the bad, from before time began, You are God alone.)

As the calling on my life to write grew in intensity, I started taking writing classes. I had always been an A student, and would not want a B-grade novel here. I discovered God's humour, we went out for coffee, and he brought people into my life that supported the journey of writing my memoir. I told God I would write, but I expected him to be in charge of promotions and advertising. He showed me a Social Media course to take, along with the Creative Writing certificate through the University of Calgary.

Verses that have carried me on this journey, all from The Message.
You have all this evidence confirmed by your own eyes and ears. Shouldn't you be talking about it? Isaiah 48:6

I show you what to do, where to go. Isaiah 48:17

He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate. He kept his hand on me to protect me. Isaiah 49:2
My father had been a poet, and I was also drawn to the genre, with its intensity of language, the imagery, the play on words. It spoke to my sense of God's mystery, his beauty and often his hiddeness.




HOLDING ON

What am I holding on to and why can't I let go?
Holding on to dreams I've lost
Holding on to promises of love, deserted in the storm
I am holding on to the quest for Beauty, in the midst of ugly
I am holding on to Hope, in the midst of hopelessness
And in it all I am holding on to you God,
But wondering if your love will fail, if you will bail?
Will your promises fall flat?
In my head I know ... in my heart I doubt.
A thousand petitions that I have given voice to,
I can only groan.

I have followed the rules of prayer
Tripping over the caveats added, when things go horribly wrong.
Pray specifically, pray in God's will, pray scripture into your lives,
pray the Lord's prayer, pray without ceasing, pray about everything,
Do not be anxious, but pray ... pray your worries away.
pray ... Pray ... PRAY
Prayer changes people not things.
Does prayer not change a thing?
When so much is at stake?
Can you know the desperation of my heart and still be deaf?
And I am given the answer you gave Job.
And ... I am silent.
YOU are God and I am not.
You hold the trump card,
But you don't crush me with it...
You allow me to turn it over.
And it is always the King of Hearts.

Jocelyn


Jocelyn blogs at http://whoistalking.wordpress.com. She is the author of "Who is Talking Out of My Head? Grief as an out of Body Experience".


13 comments:

  1. Powerful last line in your poem, Jocelyn, which reminds me of some of David's psalms -- the questions, working their way to an answer. When your story comes out--however, it comes out--I'm sure it will be powerful. Keep writing!

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  2. This is a very powerful poem. thank you for sharing it. I cannot imagine your pain and loss (and hope I never have to...) the line "Tripping over the caveats added, when things go horribly wrong." really caught my attention. God bless

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  3. "It spoke to my sense of God's mystery, his beauty and often his hiddenness." I agree with your analogy about poetry. Doesn't it just cut straight to the heart of the matter? Your poem is heart wrenchingly honest. So many times in life I have felt God's hiddenness and have wondered why and not always with patience...sometimes with screaming and yelling. Your personal life story is one that no parent should have to live through and yet because of God's amazing grace you can share how he carries you through, with others in this often cruel world. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings.

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  4. "Things were better when I wrote..." Thank you for sharing your struggle - beautiful poem, and beautiful, too, is the King of Hearts who holds us in our pain.

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    1. Thank-you Violet, Tracy, Gloria, Marnie, for the encouraging words. Poetry has a way of speaking to the heart.

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  5. Your writing is significant because of the experience behind it. I'm aware I will never write like you, if only because I've not had the deep traumatic experience you have (plenty other setbacks, of course),
    I note no rancour or self-pity--although I'm sure you must have journeyed through some of that earlier--and I'm astounded at the maturity you display, and above all the deep, abiding trust in God's love.
    The call to write is not just fortuitous, but necessary for the support of many like yourself who need your words, and will continue to do so in this broken world.
    I grieve your loss with you, but thank you for the strength you display and accord to others.

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    1. Thank-you Bryan, I value your words.

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  6. You knew God before this tragedy, and then you met him again on the battlefield in a different way. They say battlefield relationships are deeper, more impactful, and I see that truth coming out in your writing. I want to read your story!

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  7. Thank you Bobbi Junior--I gather you have experienced some of the battlefield relationships,in your "reluctant caregiver" role. Some situations in life we would not choose, but I am thankful for a God who walks alongside.

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  8. Powerful story and incredibly beautiful poem, Jocelyn. Yes, God has given you a gift and a burden. I am blessed by you sharing it.

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  9. Powerful poem, Jocelyn. So full of your honest pain but the final line brings it all into focus. Do you know the song, "King of Hearts" by Randy Stonehill? It's an oldie but a goodie.

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    1. Thank you Connie, I don't know the song, but should check it out.

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  10. A tragedy...now the fuel for an authentically passionate and powerful voice. Oh Jocelyn, your gripping voice is a pure example of how God uses all things for good. Many will be blessed through your writing!

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