As a
Christian writer, I recover words to present them in an inspiring way. However,
digging to unearth the words during these past two years of post-concussion
recovery has been strenuous regardless of my efforts.
“I
assure you, your brain’s capacity to think and function still remains. But you will experience fatigue more quickly
as your processing ability requires more energy and focus,” my counselor says.
Those
words meant to reassure me that I am not crazy, but that I am going to operate
differently regardless of my efforts.
Months
later, I drove farther distances as my double vision disappeared due to vision
therapy exercises. My physical
confidence increased as I regained a firmer, more steady balance. I could dance
with the grandkids in the kitchen and run after them on the playground. I had achieved a great physical recovery, but
my mental processing had not changed.
Currently,
my thoughts and ideas still surface when I resume my writing, but I am limited
by how long I can endure thinking. I make plans to write and then I realize I
need to rearrange my schedule to accommodate how my brain is functioning, or
rather fatiguing.
At the
end of July, I decided to attend a three-day writer’s conference through
on-line streaming. The content would be available for several months, so I didn’t
feel pressured by time constraints. However,
I wanted to try to attend in real time to prove to myself that I could
concentrate through consecutive sessions.
At first,
I felt defeated and overwhelmed. My
husband pointed out that I had managed to listen and watch two complete
sessions before I felt tired and overdone.
“You took notes as you were taking in information, that’s amazing!”
I
thought back to when I had attended this conference in person several years ago,
interacting in crowded rooms, enjoying conversations between sessions,
attending the exciting worship time, meeting fellow writers for lively and
inspiring lunches and dinners. I cringed
as I thought about enduring that over a few days. I knew that livestreaming those first
sessions had been a gift for me.
Fix
your eyes on God and smile, I reminded myself.
My
brain may be completely intact, but my processing ability simply drags slowly behind
me when I want it to perform. I want to
enjoy intense conversations again with fellow writers, I want to grapple with
words and recover them in unique ways to inspire others. I want to follow through with a writing plan
and not be sidelined by brain fatigue.
I am
not crazy, but I still need to accept that I am going to operate differently
regardless of my efforts.
Regardless
of my efforts.
Life in
tandem with God.
Regardless
of my efforts He offers grace and mercy.
Regardless
of my efforts He reveals what I cannot see or hardly even envision.
Regardless
of my efforts He reassures me and clears the mists of fatigue.
Regardless
of my efforts I can rejoice in the sporadic blessings of my writing endeavours.
Progressing
through this post-concussion recovery could overtake every moment of my day, as
I try to be better than the brain blur that descends into the corners of my mind’s
clarity. It creeps and covers my thoughts, my ideas, my words. Unseen and unsubstantiated by anyone, it causes
unexpected and annoying hindrances. Fixing my eyes on God and recovering words
that He provides often requires too much of me.
Oh, dear God, please return the smile to my face!
Recently
I heard a woman speaking about her particular post-concussion journey. “How would you describe your current
situation?” asked the interviewer. “I am
not 100% who I was, but I am 100% who I need to be.”
The
other week I am blessed with a day when I am pushing my grandchildren on the
swings in our backyard. I begin reciting a favorite children’s poem adding on funny
verses meant for the three of us. “Oh,
Nana you’re so silly,” my granddaughter shouts to the sky as she pumps her legs
into the air, chiming in with her ideas. My grandson kicks his feet to emphasize the gurgling
giggles erupting from his delight.
This,
this is all I need. Still pulling out
words to be a crazy and joyful Nana! Hallelujah!
Regardless
of my efforts, I still see my God even when I am down in the dumps. I am
smiling as I watch how He wipes out my brain blur and, in these moments, I am
100% who I need to be!
