By Lorilee Guenter

 

Photo by Lorilee Guenter;
Grasslands National Park

In the Psalms we often read a mix of lament and praise. David and others often cry out to God in difficult times. How long oh God, how long will you forsake me? How long must I face this alone? Even as they cry out, their words show they know they are not really alone. They just feel alone.

In Psalm 13:2 David cries, "how long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" By the end of the song, he will sing the Lord's praise, "for he has been good to me." There's no evidence in this psalm that David's situation has changed yet he trusts.

I wrestle with my thoughts. I cry out, "why Lord why do I have to face betrayal by my own mind, my own body? You created me in reverence with wonderful complexity (Psalm 139) so I can serve you, love you and glorify you. How Lord? How do I do that with a traitorous brain?"

I trust because I know in the depths of who I am, the place the Holy Spirit speaks, I know I am not walking this path alone. I know, but my traitorous humanity tries to convince me that my trust is misplaced. It calls me to turn away, to turn back. It councils me to trust only what I can see.

Like David, I'm learning not to stop at "how long?" But move through to, "even so I trust." I still sit with unchanged circumstances, my body falters, my brain betrays me. Even so I trust.

God is with me in the desert. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert after his baptism. He walked with the Israelites through the wilderness, leading them and teaching them. He walks with me, with us, even in the desert places. He is with us in the wilderness.

How long oh Lord, must I feel dry, ideas withered, stillborn? Challenging me to hide with sorrow for myself and for others. How long Lord, until I learned this lesson and can move on? And yet I trust. The answers don't come and yet I trust because I know I don't walk alone. I trust because the only one who can perfectly keep his promises, says he will be with me. And so in the middle of the storm, I will sing his praises as I trust. The Holy Spirit will walk this road with me.

Lorilee Guenter is a Saskatoon based artist and writer. Her writing stems from the many questions she finds herself pondering and from the things she observes on her wanderings. One such question is how did events she lived through become the subject of history. More of her writing can be found on her Substack.