Regardless of My Efforts – Denise M. Ford

As a Christian writer, I recover words to present them in an inspiring way. However, digging to unearth the words during these past two years of post-concussion recovery has been strenuous regardless of my efforts.

I keep focusing on God, searching for words to write through His guidance.  Still recovering words for others, finding it humbling to face a difficult concussion recovery.

“I assure you, your brain’s capacity to think and function still remains.  But you will experience fatigue more quickly as your processing ability requires more energy and focus,” my counselor says.

Those words meant to reassure me that I am not crazy, but that I am going to operate differently regardless of my efforts.

Months later, I drove farther distances as my double vision disappeared due to vision therapy exercises.  My physical confidence increased as I regained a firmer, more steady balance. I could dance with the grandkids in the kitchen and run after them on the playground.  I had achieved a great physical recovery, but my mental processing had not changed.

Currently, my thoughts and ideas still surface when I resume my writing, but I am limited by how long I can endure thinking. I make plans to write and then I realize I need to rearrange my schedule to accommodate how my brain is functioning, or rather fatiguing.

At the end of July, I decided to attend a three-day writer’s conference through on-line streaming. The content would be available for several months, so I didn’t feel pressured by time constraints.  However, I wanted to try to attend in real time to prove to myself that I could concentrate through consecutive sessions.

At first, I felt defeated and overwhelmed.  My husband pointed out that I had managed to listen and watch two complete sessions before I felt tired and overdone.  “You took notes as you were taking in information, that’s amazing!”

I thought back to when I had attended this conference in person several years ago, interacting in crowded rooms, enjoying conversations between sessions, attending the exciting worship time, meeting fellow writers for lively and inspiring lunches and dinners.  I cringed as I thought about enduring that over a few days.  I knew that livestreaming those first sessions had been a gift for me.  

Fix your eyes on God and smile, I reminded myself.

My brain may be completely intact, but my processing ability simply drags slowly behind me when I want it to perform.  I want to enjoy intense conversations again with fellow writers, I want to grapple with words and recover them in unique ways to inspire others.  I want to follow through with a writing plan and not be sidelined by brain fatigue.

I am not crazy, but I still need to accept that I am going to operate differently regardless of my efforts.

Regardless of my efforts.

Life in tandem with God.

Regardless of my efforts He offers grace and mercy.

Regardless of my efforts He reveals what I cannot see or hardly even envision.

Regardless of my efforts He reassures me and clears the mists of fatigue.

Regardless of my efforts I can rejoice in the sporadic blessings of my writing endeavours.

Progressing through this post-concussion recovery could overtake every moment of my day, as I try to be better than the brain blur that descends into the corners of my mind’s clarity. It creeps and covers my thoughts, my ideas, my words.  Unseen and unsubstantiated by anyone, it causes unexpected and annoying hindrances. Fixing my eyes on God and recovering words that He provides often requires too much of me.  Oh, dear God, please return the smile to my face!

Recently I heard a woman speaking about her particular post-concussion journey.  “How would you describe your current situation?” asked the interviewer.  “I am not 100% who I was, but I am 100% who I need to be.”

The other week I am blessed with a day when I am pushing my grandchildren on the swings in our backyard. I begin reciting a favorite children’s poem adding on funny verses meant for the three of us.  “Oh, Nana you’re so silly,” my granddaughter shouts to the sky as she pumps her legs into the air, chiming in with her ideas.  My grandson kicks his feet to emphasize the gurgling giggles erupting from his delight. 

This, this is all I need.  Still pulling out words to be a crazy and joyful Nana!  Hallelujah!

Regardless of my efforts, I still see my God even when I am down in the dumps. I am smiling as I watch how He wipes out my brain blur and, in these moments, I am 100% who I need to be!