“You
know you are a testimony, don’t you?”
Inwardly,
I shrunk away from the thought. This
wasn’t the first time someone had said that to me, and it wasn’t the first-time
regret, disappointment, and even shame were my responses.
Yes,
I was a testimony - a bad testimony.
Over
the last few years circumstances have pulled me into a deep vortex of darkness.
Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; every piece of me has been
shaken and overwhelmed. I relate well to Job in the Bible, who had one
catastrophe after another spin his life out of control. And while Job did
angrily tell God it would have been better if he had never been born, he still,
in the pile of mourning ashes, agreed that God is God, even when Job didn’t understand
His ways.
In
our Christian walk, there will come a time when we must realize God is not only
loving but also just. God divides right from wrong. God decides good and bad.
While God wants to and does give His people good things, He does so even in
what we would consider “bad” ways. God is not mean, He is holy. God is not a
“genie in a bottle” who gives us what we want, He is our Father who provides
all we need as well as the desires that He plants in our hearts.
And
like a rebellious child, we sometimes don’t like the life God leads us in.
A
popular worship song speaks of the way we as Christians are encouraged to
respond to God throughout our life.
“You
give and take away.
You
give and take away.
And
still, my heart will say,
Blessed
be the name of the Lord.”
(Blessed Be Your Name - Tree63)
Even
in difficult times, we worship a God who redeems our struggles. He makes dry
bones dance. He waters the desert places. He surrounds us when flames of disappointment
burn our soul.
And
this is where my testimony fails.
I want to be that faithful Christian who always
praises God. And in public, with my hair combed, makeup covering sleep-deprived
eyes, and a smile pasted on my face, perhaps it appears I am just that. One
doctor commented, “You look very put together for someone who is so depressed.”
It’s
not that I am trying to be something I am not or that I put on a mask. God
knows who I am when I am with others or alone. And while I may look “put
together” in my faith on the outside, I am still truthful about my struggles.
Anyone who asks will know what is really going on with me.
I
don’t believe I have lost faith in God. I still believe. Yet I have a difficult time
being thankful for the path I continue to stumble along. I do not always feel
joy, even knowing there is an eternity beyond the dark moments of despair.
Yet,
even though I can be honest and admit I did not actively live my faith during
these years, I can also see how God redeems my failure.
I
can say I believe but I struggle in my belief.
I
can say I believe, and I struggle in my belief.
Do
you see the difference?
but… or and…
Both
are conjunctive, joining two parts of a sentence. The two parts of the
sentence say the same thing, so that little word in the middle is what makes
the difference in how I say this.
A
word is a word is a word. Right? Or is it?
As
much as it may be important to choose a word or phrase that will focus your
determination towards your actions each day of the year, it is also important
to lay aside any word or phrase that holds you back from moving forward.
While
on long-term disability from work, I was assigned a counselor who was to help find practical ways I could handle anxiety in my life so I could return to work.
She spoke about rephrasing, which my education in communication and counseling
had already covered. Catch your thought, recognize the lie, and change that
thought to the truth. There is great power in rephrasing. Scripture teaches it as
“renewing the mind.” What this counselor shared about rephrasing, though, was a
small difference that can have a great impact on me.
But - a word that often begins an excuse, a reason why something will not work or cannot work. But
is often used as a word of defeat. “I can go for a walk, but it is cold
outside.” But negates the walk because it is cold.
And - this
word offers a choice. There are two sides, equal in truth or importance. “I can
go for a walk and it is cold outside.” Two truths to consider. One does not
negate the other. I can go for a walk and because it is cold outside - I will
dress for it. Or I can go for a walk and it is cold outside - so I will use the
treadmill.
Struggling
in my Christian walk - or in life - is not the failure it feels like. The truth
is my struggle is included as part of my testimony. The past few years have been difficult, and I have lost many of my healthy habits,
both physically and spiritually. Basic things like breathing, eating, sleeping,
journaling, and even reading Scripture have become areas that need to be
relearned. I’m glad I was encouraged to memorize Scripture as a child, so God’s
word is never far away.
So,
I think my word for 2020 needs to be and.
I am not in control of all areas of my life, and God is in control of all
areas of my life. I still struggle and I have choices.
A word is a word and
one small word, whether thought, spoken, or written, can make a difference.
