My prayer life is becoming an integral part of who I am. Indeed, I am learning that movement without prayer results in missteps more often than not, and a need to correct course time and again.
Over the past year God has been guiding my steps through some challenging places. He has been showing me what needs to change in order to follow Him in all circumstances. Two words stand out in the midst of this journey: surrender and sacrifice. Surrender, because a life lived fully and well can only be lived under the full sovereign reign of the King of Kings. And sacrifice, because there is always a cost associated with following Jesus.
There has been some rocky terrain and turbulent waters over the past year. Even my writing went dormant as my heart searched for answers in the depths. The only writing that remained were prayers scribbled in journals and on napkins. Scraps of paper searching for clarity, glimpses of the promises God has for my life, clues as to how He wants to re-shape it.
Over the past year I found myself letting go of everything I thought I knew about myself. Every role and title I have ever proudly worn has been called into question. Business woman, professional communicator, entrepreneur, creative visionary - these have all gone by the wayside to one degree or another. Every way I have ever attempted to identify myself; every direction I thought I needed to go in order to build a life - all has been stripped down and pulled away. I found myself questioning why: Why such drastic changes? Why do I have to leave it all behind? God answered (He always does if you listen long enough). "Stop trying to shape yourself. Let Me mould you". In a word: Surrender.
As our family's circumstances changed, I found myself stepping into new and different roles in this season. Some are not unfamiliar, but they have taken on new significance. I have embraced different titles: Wife, Mom, Home Schooler, Teacher. I have traded my version of traditional - full time work outside the home - for a much more traditional role (ironically). I even helped pack our bags and move our family to a new community based on the direction my husband and I felt God was calling us to go. The only thing I have done consistently amidst all these changes has been to pray.
I have learned that God often gives glimpses of His plan and one of my jobs is to wait patiently on His timing. Sometimes the "what" does not immediately occur. I have learned to pray for guidance about the "when". They say timing is everything, and learning to trust God's timing is another exercise in surrender and sacrifice.
It can be difficult to know what to call yourself when God continues to strip away everything you thought you knew about who you are (or were). So I cling to the promises. I call myself beloved. I make room in the midst of the sea change: room for grace to unfold, for mercy to wash over me like so many waves in the storm, for love to change this heart. I pray for peace, leave thanksgiving offerings at the foot of the cross, leave everything at the foot of the cross, seek God's face, and I just keep praying.
The transformation continues. Physically, we are in a new location. My once-dormant writing desk has taken up new residence at its place beneath the window sill. It faces north, out into the back yard, and I can see the seasons change even as I continue to transform from the inside out. I still do not know the "how" of this unfolding plan, but I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in it. This life with its ever-changing trajectory, this sea change, is finding its way into my heart, mind, soul and spirit. I started writing again last month, something beyond prayers and petitions. It felt good. I know God has called me to this little writing desk. I know He wants me to practice this craft, and so I will continue. I am settling into the unforced rhythms of grace. I find the storms are far less turbulent here.
Karma writes from the golden house in Northeastern BC. You can connect with her online at redraincoatcreations.com