“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed
within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my
God.:--Psalm 42:11.
As I begin this post I must confess I am not one
who may adequately offer insights into the balance between “life on and off the
page.” Perhaps the following will be accepted by readers as the words of one
who bears the scars of a once imbalanced life. I am a life still under
construction.
Twenty years ago the walls of my life collapsed
around me. If not for my family, I would not have survived. I was raising our
family with my wife, I was working full-time, I was a part-time seminary
student and a bi-vocational pastor. As a husband and father I knew I had to
work to support my family. There was nothing unusual about that, of course. I
wanted to improve my skill set for ministry and to serve my church at the time.
Somewhere along the line of my life, I forgot about
me. I entered into a Tunnel of depression (I wrote about this in a previous
post for InScribe). I had failed! I failed my family, I failed my work, and I
failed my church. In my search for a way out I read Christian works on God’s
strength and stuff like that. I came across an article by a well-known
Christian figure from the past. He stated that if we experience such things as
burn out, we have stepped away from God’s will. Ouch! That counsel didn’t help.
Now I realized I had also failed God! After reading that statement I believed I
didn’t want to find my way out.
In
time, however, after groping around in the dark, I found my way to the light. My
pen and paper helped me dig my way out of the crushing darkness of the Tunnel. The
debris of my failure began to be cleared away by the words I wrote. Those
precious words that saved me!
I
cannot say a verse of Scripture from God’s Word came flashing into my mind. I
wish I could for that might sound more “spiritual.” All I can say is, words I
wrote to myself, informed me my life had lost balance. In time I left pastoral
ministry in order to follow the path God was directing me to. I realized my
hope is in God.
Gradually
God led me to work/ministry devoted to “my teachers” such as people confined to
care homes. Often they are people locked away in their own minds seemingly with
no way out. I come alongside them and hear their cries as they pour out their
life stories. Oh, the privilege to be gifted with a listening heart!
I
continue to struggle at times with balance in my life. I think that is why I
believe I am not one to offer insights to other people about balance in life. I
am merely a work in progress, I hope.
My
heart still grieves at my past failures. Like sin, my failures are like a dead
horse that won’t lie down. Even now, as I write this post, I can weep at how
much I have failed. My balance, however, was found through the hope God has
promised His children. A hope no one, not even my wife or family or closest
friends, can offer. A hope that looks beyond my failures, my imbalanced life,
and assures me I am loved.
Blog:
ScarredJoy@wordpress.com
"...words I wrote to myself, informed me my life had lost balance." This touched me, Alan. I wonder if this might be a large part of why the Lord has given we writers the gift of words? Writing to ourselves is a way for him to speak to us personally. I'm thankful for that.
ReplyDeleteHi Bobbi! Words are just so great. Yes, I agree with you. It is wondrous to think God speaks to us through words we may write.
DeleteI agree with Bobbi. Writing in my journal is my way of processing and I believe I hear from God best when doing so. It's like God is speaking directly to me as I journal.
ReplyDeleteHi Tracy! Yes, I think our words don't come to us by accident. I believe that's why I approach my writing with gentleness and care. Thank you for the comment Tracy!
DeleteGood morning, Alan. I read your post yesterday, but I needed to sleep, and pray about this, before responding. Your experience was so close to mine, even to the timing of it (20 years), that I could have been looking in the same mirror. In the business of teaching, raising three teenagers, helping on the farm, looking after my elderly parents, etc., I too had forgotten about myself. (As my psychologist explained, stress and overwork over a long period of time causes a chemical imbalance in the brain.)
ReplyDeleteI wrote and wrote to figure things out and to pray with pen and paper. I read when I could, and that's when a book found me: Living Like Mary in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. Through reading her book, I discovered I had omitted an important part of Christ's new commandment: "Love your neighbour as yourself."
For a long time, I couldn't write publicly about my depression. Therefore I commend you on doing this. In May and June of 2015, I did share my story for InScribe Writers Online. In May 2017, I wrote about how Weaver's Mary/Martha book had helped me understand that I needed to love and care for myself before I could truly love and care for others.
Responding to your blog, Alan, I would say, Yes, I had failed by allowing myself to become clinically depressed, but I now look at depression as a "growth experience," a step in my Jacob's ladder. I too am a W.I.P. If I listen closely to God, I can see when I am headed down that slippery slope. My husband also can see when I am headed that way, so I also pay attention to his warnings rather than defy them. He knows me well.
Your honesty has been a beacon of hope to many, Sharon.
DeleteSorry for the length of this, Alan. As Mark Twain says, I wanted to write you a short letter, but I didn't have time so I wrote a long one. I could have sent you this privately, but I know there are others who deal with "The Black Dog of Depression" as Winston Churchill called it. God's presence in my life is so important that I felt a need to share this.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon. No apology required my friend. Perhaps depression allows us to show our honest vulnerabilty. For whatever reason God has not allowed me to forget my depression. It is like a phantom that reminds me from time to time that I am but a man. I agree with you that depression can be a "growth experience." It is an experience I don't wish on anyone. Thank you for taking the time to comment in such a heartfelt way Sharon.
DeleteHi Alan,
ReplyDeletePsalm 42 has been a God send for me, many times ... it reminds me that the dark times, and I have had many, will pass and that I will again praise Him, in fact often when I do, the darkness disappears more quickly. Blessings as you write on!! Thanks for this post.
Hi Jocelyn! Thank you for the reminder from Scripture. I love your confidence that light can pierce the darkness. Blessings my friend.
DeleteJust remember the things you consider a great failure - God is greater!
ReplyDeleteThank you Vickie! In my depression God seemed distant therefore I sensed I also failed Him. My walk through the Tunnel was a slow realization of His greatness. He brought me into the light!
DeleteAlan, depression is a sneaky hunter that attacks when we are not looking. We are often told we did this to ourselves, but I don't think we really do. The world points to this and that for what caused my cancer, and yes, I probably could have done or not done some things that would have increased my odds of staying healthy, but like depression it is no respecter of persons. Every age, health, vocation, and nationality deal with both cancer and depression. You did not fail, my brother. But you did engage in battle to survive when you realized life was not in balance. You encourage me to keep working on it. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThank you Marnie! Yes, it did seem like a battle that for a while I did not think I could win. Thank you for balancing our my view of feeling imbalanced. Perhaps now I can accept that I did not fail. Blessings Marnie!
Delete