Seeking Solace - Glynis Belec

Today I journeyed back two years. For a little while now we have been settling into our new nest and I have been picking through boxes and finding new homes and hiding places for everything.

This morning I found my journals. Two years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer, journaling became my therapy. I wrote faithfully, pouring my heart and soul into handwritten words on a page. Some days I bore evidence of eloquence. Other days I wrote one or two liners (especially first day post surgery!) Some days I even dabbled with poetry. As I read through some of my poetic entries I tried to dissect what it was I was truly feeling at the time. My little exercise was reminiscent of school days gone by when I had to take a poem and sort out what the poet was really saying.

It seems, as I look back, my dabbling in poetry began the same time as my chemotherapy.

(written June 19,2008)

Waiting, waiting, waiting

But I don't lose my patience

There are too many patients
Who look sadder than me.

Take them to chemo first.

Make them better first.

Lord, is the carpet ready?

I am seated.

Float me into Lilliana's arms

My sweet nurse

Her expert hands move about

Like a skilled artist.

But...

The needle slips and my veins are uncooperative

They hide, fearing Taxol

Despising Carboplatin

Finally on the fifth try, God says,

"That's enough." And it works.

The silent killers enter my body
Dripping, dripping, dripping...

written June 22, 2008

Wretched poison;

insidious mytosis

strangle tissue-

killing cancer

Jesus holds me tenderly

I will submit

to your will;

I will be still...

written June 28, 2008

The crown of a woman

Her glory. Her honour.

As if awaiting my dethroning.

I watch the clock; the calendar; the mirror.

Insidious, silent enemy preparing for battle

I bathe. The bubbles disappear

Drain gurgles

Strands of hair cling tenaciously to the fibreglass cavity.

More than usual. Curled into a question mark.

Reaching for the removable shower head

I chase the delinquent locks

They disappear down the drain.

Dare I check tomorrow?

written June 29, 2008

Deep inside the crevices of my heart

I discover unexplored territory

As I chip away at the calloused formation

The air becomes fresher, cleaner, purer.

A trickle?

A pulsation deafening, yet strangely calming.

The pure, genuine sound

Of God.

Create in me a clean heart O God.

That I might worship You.

Filth, stagnant promises, sinful desires, self attitudes

Crumble, crushed, powder

Blown away by the breeze

Of the Holy Spirit

"Be Still so that I can re-form you, my child,"

He whispers.

I am still. I am ready.

In God I trust - Father

In Jesus I rest - Son

In the Wind, I believe - Holy Spirit

Triune Treasure...

written July 4, 2008

Sleep. boundless sleep.

My body aches; my soul longs

Rest my weary mind

Poison soaking my inner being?

When my mind cries out for sleep

The lunatic laughter surfaces and mocks.

Rest? No. Your cancerous cells swallow you up

Rancid, wretched demons. Begone.

Jesus, where is Thy weapon?

Why can't I heal?

Gird myself, you say?

With truth; with Thy word; with salvation; with righteousness

In the strength of Jesus may this sleepless night become a glimmer

Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest is best...