Thankful for Trees - by Marcia Lee Laycock

The two Poplar trees stand side by side in the park across from my living room window. I've been watching them slowly turn golden for the past few weeks and a few days ago the fall winds came and began to strip them bare. A few stragglers are still hanging on, but soon the trees will be only trunk and branches. The inner sap has probably almost completely stopped flowing.

They mimic how I'm feeling these days as I continue the chemotherapy. Bare. Sparse. Dried out. Enthusiasm is a word that seems foreign. I've forgotten what it's like to have hair. There are days when I want to rail against what's happening to me, days when I'm just angry. But then I look at those trees and I think of the scripture that has so often come to mind as I've watched them fade into dormancy.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ... You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed" (Psalm 55: 8-13).

So I'm thankful for those trees that are standing guard so close by. I can see they're still standing, still swaying in the fall winds, waiting. I know the biology of tress; and though I know winter is coming I know their sap hasn't disappeared, it has just stopped running for a while and will run again in a few months. When it does they will sprout tiny green leaves that shout the word 'Revival' and will grow and clap loudly in the spring winds as their sweet scent permeates the air.

God is in the business of revival on all levels. But there is purpose in the dormancy. A friend sent me a link to a wonderful song, Blessings, by Laura Story. The lyrics rang true -

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Seeking Solace - Glynis Belec

Today I journeyed back two years. For a little while now we have been settling into our new nest and I have been picking through boxes and finding new homes and hiding places for everything.

This morning I found my journals. Two years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer, journaling became my therapy. I wrote faithfully, pouring my heart and soul into handwritten words on a page. Some days I bore evidence of eloquence. Other days I wrote one or two liners (especially first day post surgery!) Some days I even dabbled with poetry. As I read through some of my poetic entries I tried to dissect what it was I was truly feeling at the time. My little exercise was reminiscent of school days gone by when I had to take a poem and sort out what the poet was really saying.

It seems, as I look back, my dabbling in poetry began the same time as my chemotherapy.

(written June 19,2008)

Waiting, waiting, waiting

But I don't lose my patience

There are too many patients
Who look sadder than me.

Take them to chemo first.

Make them better first.

Lord, is the carpet ready?

I am seated.

Float me into Lilliana's arms

My sweet nurse

Her expert hands move about

Like a skilled artist.

But...

The needle slips and my veins are uncooperative

They hide, fearing Taxol

Despising Carboplatin

Finally on the fifth try, God says,

"That's enough." And it works.

The silent killers enter my body
Dripping, dripping, dripping...

written June 22, 2008

Wretched poison;

insidious mytosis

strangle tissue-

killing cancer

Jesus holds me tenderly

I will submit

to your will;

I will be still...

written June 28, 2008

The crown of a woman

Her glory. Her honour.

As if awaiting my dethroning.

I watch the clock; the calendar; the mirror.

Insidious, silent enemy preparing for battle

I bathe. The bubbles disappear

Drain gurgles

Strands of hair cling tenaciously to the fibreglass cavity.

More than usual. Curled into a question mark.

Reaching for the removable shower head

I chase the delinquent locks

They disappear down the drain.

Dare I check tomorrow?

written June 29, 2008

Deep inside the crevices of my heart

I discover unexplored territory

As I chip away at the calloused formation

The air becomes fresher, cleaner, purer.

A trickle?

A pulsation deafening, yet strangely calming.

The pure, genuine sound

Of God.

Create in me a clean heart O God.

That I might worship You.

Filth, stagnant promises, sinful desires, self attitudes

Crumble, crushed, powder

Blown away by the breeze

Of the Holy Spirit

"Be Still so that I can re-form you, my child,"

He whispers.

I am still. I am ready.

In God I trust - Father

In Jesus I rest - Son

In the Wind, I believe - Holy Spirit

Triune Treasure...

written July 4, 2008

Sleep. boundless sleep.

My body aches; my soul longs

Rest my weary mind

Poison soaking my inner being?

When my mind cries out for sleep

The lunatic laughter surfaces and mocks.

Rest? No. Your cancerous cells swallow you up

Rancid, wretched demons. Begone.

Jesus, where is Thy weapon?

Why can't I heal?

Gird myself, you say?

With truth; with Thy word; with salvation; with righteousness

In the strength of Jesus may this sleepless night become a glimmer

Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest is best...