Writing My Way Through Grief by Nina Faye Morey

My life has changed dramatically since I lost my loving husband and soulmate to cancer in April. Since then, I’ve found myself wandering through a desolate landscape filled with grief and loss, searching for the light that will lift me up out of this deep well of darkness.

I know that I must adapt my life to this new and challenging landscape, but my negative feelings—grief, fear, worry, anxiety, depression and loneliness—have caused me to lose my way. These debilitating emotions have also made it next to impossible for me to write. However, I’ve slowly come to realize that if I can refocus my writing to address my grief and loss, it may shed some light on my feelings that will help me work my way through this grieving process.

The empty page seems like a safe and comfortable place to pour out my feelings, but it requires a willingness to delve deep into this darkness that envelopes me. I will need to face my feelings of grief and loss, my fears, my worries, and my anxieties. I’ll need to summon the inner strength to explore and deal with the overwhelming emotions that writing about my grief evokes. I know it will not be easy. But if I’m brave enough, the process of writing may offer some relief from my sorrow and provide the healing needed to find my way out of this deep well of darkness.

While writing my way through grief may offer some measure of release and healing, my main source of comfort still comes through Bible study and prayer. I know that I do not have to deal with these feelings of grief and loss alone. Psalm 34:18 (NIV) assures me that “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I can rely on Him and His word to provide me with the comfort, peace, strength, guidance, and support that I need. Jesus promises “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). If I pour out my grief to Him through prayer, I know that He will be faithful to heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds (Psalm 147:3). When I am afraid, I can ask Him to calm my fears and give me “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7).

Although writing my way through grief may be therapeutic, helping me to cope with my negative thoughts and feelings, I know that ultimately it is through faith and prayer that God will rescue me from this deep well of darkness and lift me up into the glory of His light once more.

Stories from the Front - Marnie Pohlmann

Even though the sun will soon rise above the horizon, the blackness deepens in preparation for a last battle. It is always darkest before the dawn. The last moments of night fight to keep control, to allow sinister events that can only happen in the darkness more time to destroy those who cannot sleep.

I just need to hold on, to not give in or give up, until the light wins the battle and brings a new day. My battle will continue then but in a different way. The night brings shadows from every direction that whisper pain and lies. In the day, I will be able to see the enemy more clearly, allowing me to know where to run for safety and where to stand and fight.

When I was first sent to the front lines I didn’t know how to fight. Scars testify to how death tried to claim me.  Just in time, God-given instinct provided me the ability to parry and thrust to protect myself enough to survive that initial battle. I then learned, sought answers, studied, and practiced with the Commander to recognize the attacks and how best to counter them. It took years, but little by little I made progress. With every small victory, my skin thickened and my muscles grew stronger.

Sometimes new weapons are forged and surprise me with the unknown. In those times I may lose my footing and must retreat to tend to fresh wounds. I have learned that retreat is not the same as defeat. When the enemy seems unbeatable and I go into the battle anyway because it is what I am asked to do, it is not without fear and could be described as either foolhardy or brave. But knowing when to rest and recover is sometimes even more difficult than sacrificing myself. Being still in the darkness is not for the faint of heart. However, in time I also learned that darkness can also provide comfort with the promise of light.

Like tonight, I am worn out and wounded. I lay in the shadows, on alert to every sound and brush of the wind that finds my hiding place. My instincts say to sleep, or to run, or to surrender. I am learning to consider, instead, what the Commander has taught me. How to wait, to heal, to allow the night to pass and the light of day to come. The light will show the truth despite and beyond the shadowy whispers of the past.

Perhaps in the morning I will discover I am hunkered down behind enemy lines rather than near the safety of the fortress. But when the light once again shines, I will also see my options. I will see the steps I must take to follow my orders.

So I wait. Even as the darkness deepens and time stretches toward certain death, I am not idle in my waiting. I stay still, but I put pressure on the bleeding. My breathing calms and my heart quiets.  I watch. I know from experience that if I can hold on a little while longer daylight will come.

This battle is not about my own survival. It could be, but there is no point in saving only myself. It often feels like I am the only one fighting, but this war is much bigger than me.

I carry scars from struggling to claim this land for the Lord, so others may live in peace with Him. I am often wounded and hurt but never defeated. The wounds show scarred paths leading toward victory. They are maps to share with others who also feel trapped and afraid in the darkness. This is a war worth waging.

I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them, I can see it. A slight difference between the varied shadows, a graying of the deepest dark. The light is coming. While I wait, I repeat to myself the wisdom these battles have taught me, that I may live today to share with others once again tomorrow.

“It is possible to overcome darkness because the Light is present, no matter how dark life seems. I can keep going because Light gives hope. No matter how tired, afraid, hurt, or alone I feel I will fight, because I am never alone, and I will be given the time needed to rest and heal. So I will sharpen my weapons and polish my armour to reflect the Light so others can know the way to victory. This battle, and my life, belongs to the Lord.”

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.                                  Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

Marnie Pohlmann writes about learning to be Phosphorescent, absorbing and reflecting the light of God no matter what darkness surrounds life. She believes that life's struggles can be overcome and redeemed because God is present.

*photos courtesy of Pixabay.com with CCO license.

I Can See (More) Clearly Now - Marnie Pohlmann

The saying "Hindsight is always 20/20" may not be true if we don't take the time to look back for the lessons the past can teach us.

I admit there are things in my past I do not enjoy looking back to. I have needed to look back at past pain to heal my damaged emotions and self-concept. The exercise is not pleasant, yet it is necessary and may be necessary again in the coming months so I can see more clearly.

I have tried looking only at good memories, or fun stories my siblings have told, yet I cannot help but see the painful memories that bookend those times. These dark moments are part of my life and part of what has molded who I am today. However, the light of God's presence is also part of my life and who I am. Of course, this truth I didn't see at the time, but as I look back, I can see more clearly now.

As a little girl, I was afraid of the shadows that came out at night when the house went silent. The comfort of a small bookmark with a shining cross pinned to my wall, I can see now, was letting me know that even though what I feared still approached, God was hiding my face in His chest. God was present in my darkness, connecting with me. (This is the inspiration for my blog, Phosphorescent.)

A few years later at Bible camp, God revealed Himself to me in a new way.  I understood what was happening in my dysfunctional Christian home may continue, but God would be with me if I wanted Him to be. I said, "Yes, please," and invited Jesus into my heart. God was connecting to me amid life’s confusion.

As a teen, I was making plans to run away from home. Before I could run, my parents took my younger brother and me from BC to Ontario to visit some of my brothers. I took the opportunity to get a job and stay in Ontario, sharing an apartment with my brothers while I finished high school. The unwritten rule of the apartment was that if I was not at school or work, I was at church. I joined in youth events that included memorizing Scripture and writing for contests. God was directing my path, connecting with me.

As a young married lady, I learned to drink coffee - and liquor. We played slow-pitch with a partying group of friends and went to the bar to drink and dance. It seemed that every time we were at a party the song "Spirit in the Sky" would be played. This song is not about God, yet never failed to remind me that the Spirit, God, was in the bar, disappointed but not judgmental, just letting me know He was with me. Even in drunkenness, God connected with me.

Eventually, God caught my attention more fully, and then that of my husband. In many ways, God directed our paths as we healed in one town, grew in faith in another town, and finally went to train at Bible School in a city. The whole story is too long to go into here, but God changed our focus from Chaplaincy to Pastoring. God led us to our small church in northern British Columbia where we had desired to live even in our partying days. We were unaware of the church until God introduced us to it through non-believing friends! God continued to connect with me in unique ways He knew would reach my heart.

I see more clearly now when God connects with me. For example, God used my husband's favourite song, "It is Well with My Soul" to assure me in a frightful situation that it was well with my soul because God was with me.

 In 2013 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had surgery and radiation, and was prescribed Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. Over the next 2 years, I had more surgeries for cancer concerns that turned out to be benign. In 2016 when another cancer concern came up I chose to have a bilateral mastectomy to put an end to surgery.

During those years I had also developed Seasonal Affective Disorder;

I began experiencing symptoms of secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my job, which was compounded with the resumption of PTSD triggered by my childhood;

I felt medications I was taking, especially the Tamoxifen, were contributing to my depression and anxiety; 

During my mastectomy, my husband found out he was quite ill and months later was diagnosed with lymphoma so needed chemo - before and during his treatments complications brought him close to death several times;

As a Federal employee throughout all this, I was caught up in the "Phoenix fiasco" that continues to affect the pay of thousands of government workers.

Wally is presently doing well, and physically I am as also. I still struggle with mental health issues though and continue to reach out for help. I can see (more) clearly now, some of the ways God has connected with me through this dark time - and they are amazing! I will write about them all at some point, but this post is already longer than it should be.

Have you taken the time to look back, no matter how difficult, to see when God has connected with you? Perhaps as believers, we see this more clearly, but unbelievers can also become aware of God's presence in their past and present. He is never far away. Seeing God gives hope for the future. God reveals Himself in ways that are uniquely meaningful to each one of us.

God wants to connect with you.

*photos compliments of CCO license, Pexels.com and Pixabay.com

Marnie writes to show God is present, and that makes all the difference. 

You can connect with Marnie at Phosphorescent.

A City of Lights by Susan Barclay

Partway through this year I discovered that the United Nations had designated 2015 as the International Year of Light and Light Based Technologies. According to Wikipedia, the observance  "aims to raise awareness of the achievements of light science and its applications, and its importance to humankind."

Did anyone else know about this?

There are a few ironies here: 

1. The proposal for the International Year of Light (IYL) was made in Paris, "the city of lights," in 2012.

2. The IYL launched in Paris on January 19, 2015, just 12 days after the Charlie Hebdo attack.

3. One of the launch activities was the unveiling of "the world of Ibnal-Haytham," an Arab scientist who lived from 965 B.C. to 1040 A.D.

4. Paris experienced a second terrorist attack in 2015 on November 13.

5. From the standpoint of world events, 2015 has been anything but a year of light. Boko Haram and ISIS are just two examples of a greater darkness into which humankind seems to have plunged. For more on the events that took place this year, I recommend visiting InfoPlease.

I administer a private Facebook group called 'Light.' This is a group where members can encourage one another and discuss living as salt and light in a world that seems to have lost its flavour and to prefer darkness. If you are interested in joining, let me know and I'll invite you. Just a few days ago, I posted 'Here I Am to Worship,' a song that begins with the words, 'Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness...' I'm so thankful that He did, and that God has not yet removed His Holy Spirit from the earth.

Sometimes I find myself singing the old hymn, 'Let the Beauty of Jesus be Seen in Me'. Sometimes I've sickened myself because it has come out of my mouth on the heels of unChristlike behaviour. Only as I'm writing this today do I realize and accept that this is exactly the reminder I need at such times. 

Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me

All his wonderful passion and purity

O Thou Spirit divine, all my nature refine

Till the beauty of Jesus be seen in me

As Christian writers we need to examine our hearts and motives around writing. What do we hope to accomplish? Do we have a message we want to share with readers? Do we want to connect? Are we looking for personal glorification or to glorify God? Our answers to these questions are important, so be honest. If you need to, ask God to give you a clean heart.

I like the chorus of Francesca Battistelli's 'He Knows My Name,' which goes (in part) 

I don't need my name in lights

I'm famous in my Father's eyes

Make no mistake/He knows my name

Friends, the battle between light and darkness is ongoing, within and without. In the end, Jesus wins. Let's let His light shine through us like a city on a hill that cannot be hidden (Matthew 5:14).

_________________

For my website, please visit www.susanbarclay.wordpress.com

Your Light Has Come by Pamela Mytroen

Anna slapped the alarm off and flopped back down in bed. She had hoped Christmas Eve morning would somehow be different but it turned out to be just as dark and cold and lonely as any other day this winter. Working during the holidays meant longer hours, demanding customers, and darkness. Always darkness. Tomb-black in the mornings when she drove to work and dreary and grey when she returned home every evening.

She pushed the mounds of blankets away from her sock-covered feet. It was this season when her Jimmy was taken from her. Now her bed was cold and the car was always frozen every morning.

Her grandchildren would be gone this year to their other grandparents, so what was the sense of baking their favourite gingersnaps and sugar cookies? Why bother putting up the Christmas lights? That had been Jimmy's job, and now he went and left her in the shadows.

Anna closed her eyes and walked to the bathroom. She was getting good at walking around in the darkness. She slipped on her deli uniform, pinned her hair up, and trudged into the kitchen.

Leaving the lights off she placed a mug under her coffee machine. The yellow light blinked on. She turned away from it and folded her arms, listening to its hiss. That's when she noticed the frost on the window. She rubbed her eyes, trying to make sense of what she saw. How could it be? The streetlight illuminated it from the outside. Maybe that's why it appeared so ethereal.

She stepped to the window and breathed over the feathery, frosty design. Her name, Anna, had been etched in delicate crystals, and with the next breath Jimmy's name swirled across the pane, along with the names of her three grandchildren. Light sparkled from the window and bathed her in a shimmer of warmth. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them quickly again like she had done on Christmas mornings long ago - to be sure it was really true - that there was a gift under the tree that bore her name. The names of her precious loved ones whispered across the window like northern lights and then they were gone, and the frost returned to silent kaleidoscopes.

The coffee machine gave one final hiss and spurt. She didn't want to turn away from the wonder washing over her. She hadn't felt this new and alive for. . . well since Jimmy's last Christmas.

Anna finally reached for the coffee mug, sat down, and warmed her hands around it. She grabbed a pen and scratched out a list across the back of her power bill: sugar, sprinkles, lights, and a real tree. What else would she need? Oh, ginger and cloves.

Anna stood up and moved to the window. With the first rays of sun, the frost glittered in lavender and pink. Her light had come. The Artist had remembered her and had brushed a ballet of hope across her icy soul.

She had waited in darkness long enough. Welcome, Christmas, welcome.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you" (Isaiah 60:1).

Pamela Mytroen

Jesus---Light of the World by Connie Inglis

I LOVE Christmas. I can't wait to put on the Christmas music and decorate the tree. One of my favourite features of Christmas is the lights. By the time my decorating is done, my house is filled with lights. Throughout December I like to wake early, turn on the tree lights, make a cup of coffee and just sit in the big, cushy chair by the tree. The lights twinkle and the tinsel shimmers and the world is tranquil and harmonious.

As I sit there, sometimes I think about the significance of light surrounding the birth of Jesus. There was lots of light. Every time an angel appeared, there was light. When the angels came to the shepherds, there was more light. And then the wise men followed the light of the star to the place where Jesus lay. All the light was a guide, a lamp leading to Jesus. But they were dim lights in comparison to Jesus. John 1:4,5 says, "In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." And verse 9 calls Him the, "true light." So, there was darkness and SUDDENLY there is Light--brilliant and true and pure and no darkness can ever put it out. Wow! The "Light of the World," as Jesus calls Himself in John 8:12.

But wait--that's not the end. Jesus then turns around and tells us that as His followers, we are the light of the world. He gives us His light. 2 Corinthians 4:6 says, "For God who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ." Just as suddenly we, as earthen vessels, are filled with a treasure, His light and glory. All because of Jesus. And He gave it to us to shine.

Consider the lighting of one candle. It lights up part of a room. Add another candle and another and another--the more lights the brighter the light, the brighter the room. It's a quality of light that cannot be denied and it reminds me of the importance of community when shining for Jesus. Jesus compares our light to a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. A city of lights, a community of believers, shines much brighter than a single house light. We, you and I, are also part of a community--a community of writers that dispel the darkness through words of encouragement and hope, words of Love and Light. Jesus wants us to shine as community for Him.

I want to share this Christmas song by Third Day with you. It speaks about Jesus coming down, the Light of the World. As you listen to it and as you read the Scripture references, be encouraged. And may your Christmas be FILLED with the light of Jesus.

Wounds Heal All Time - Pam Mytroen

It’s backwards but more true than the original idiom, don't you think? I am thankful that I have not suffered extreme loss, yet for my past hurts, time is merely a thin skin that covers each one.

When I was seven years old I had a cold sore on my lip. It finally began to heal and scab over. But I couldn’t leave it alone. I would pick at it until the fresh warm blood oozed out. Then it would sting all over again and the healing process would resume.

It seems that our afflictions are like that cold sore. All it takes is a memory or a touch and those old wounds start to bleed again. The gash is still there, just under the surface.

If only we could erase the pains we’ve endured and the ugly scars that remind us. Wouldn’t life be so much easier? We’d have no regrets, no flush of shame, and no painful stab at the recall of such memories.

We could wake up each day and carry on as if nothing ever happened, as if we’d never been abused or betrayed.

Ted Dekker has some wise advice that he shares through one of his characters in his novel “Kiss”.

He says, “...your history is no less important to your survival than your ability to breathe. In the end, you can only determine whether to saturate your memories with pain or with perspective.

Forgetting is not an option. I tell you the truth now; Pain was not God’s plan for this life. It is a reality, but it is not part of the plan.

“Pain or perspective. ...That’s all that’s within your control.”

It’s a difficult pill to swallow. Fresh bruises blind us. Time gives us distance from them and some perspective, yet it does not heal.

There are hurts in my life that I still do not understand. Why did God allow me to go through that awful scrape? I ask. I never did feel his presence in certain valleys. Yet that does not change God. He was there.

Someday He will guide me back through those memories with sagacity and I will become a stronger person because of the perspective He gives me.

God does not take away our memories. He does not wipe our minds clean of loss. In fact He asks us to purposely revisit those aches. He says, “Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt,” (Deuteronomy 5:15). He wants us to recall the snap of the whip on our bleeding backs? God doesn't stop there. He finishes, "and the Lord your God brought you out of there by a mighty Hand...”

The Lord wants us to remember the things of the past. He instructs the children of Israel again just before they enter the land of promise: “Remember the days of long ago.”

However, we are to focus not on the darkness, but on our Deliverer. Not on the hurt, but on the Healer.

The words of Jeremiah may resonate as he was honest in his recall of suffering. “I can never forget these awful years; ...Yet there is one ray of hope: his compassion never ends...Great is thy faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:20-23).

“That’s the point of holding onto memory,” continues Dekker, “delivery, not darkness.”

Pam Mytroen

Which Way Leads Home? by Pam Mytroen

An ice-covered fist, five rocky peaks, stood between Sir Ernest Shackleton and rescue. Warmth, food and hope awaited him and his two men on the other side of the mountains. They decided to try the first pass which appeared “deceptively easy”, said F.A. Worsley. However, when they reached the summit and peered over, they stepped back. The pass fell away in cliffs and crevasse-littered glaciers. The second and third passes proved just as deadly.

They put all their hope onto the fourth and final pass, but it too disappointed. Below them lay more shadowed crevasses waiting to swallow them whole. The men sat on its razor-backed ridge and dangled their legs into the darkening canyon.

Commander Shackleton withdrew for a moment to think. His 1916 South Pole expedition had failed. He had lost his ship ‘Endurance’ to ice. He and his crew of 28 had survived on ice-floes for six months until they took refuge on Elephant Island. The rest of his men waited there in an overturned lifeboat while Shackleton and his small crew crossed the stormiest sea in the world in another small life-boat. They reached Georgia Island which had never been crossed. If they had endured all of this, they could not turn back now. If they died, he reasoned, they would die trying to save their crew.

He faced his men and said, “We’ll slide.”

Worsley thought, “Slide down what was practically a precipice, in the darkness, to meet what? A rock in our path would mean certain disaster. Still it was the only way; to go back was useless, a death warrant; to stay on the ridge longer meant certain death by freezing.”

They sat down and locked together as one man. “Then Shackleton kicked off. We seemed to shoot into space. For a moment my hair stood on end. Then quite suddenly I felt a glow and knew that I was grinning. I was actually enjoying it,” said Worsely. In less than three minutes they safely reached the bottom of a three-thousand foot cliff.

Looking back, these men recognized that the slide was not a good choice. It was the only way down. It was trust.

That night Worsely recorded this in his journal: “There was no doubt that Providence had been with us. There was indeed one curious thing about our crossing of South Georgia...which I have never been able to explain...I had the sub-conscious feeling that there were four of us instead of three...” His ship-mates recorded the same mystery.

These experienced explorers realized that without stepping down into the darkness and trusting, they never would have made it safely home.

Jesus said, “I am the Way, and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but through Me,” (John 14:6).

Have you climbed long and hard only to find disappointment at the summit? There is a Pathway Home. His name is Jesus. He is the bridge across every crevasse.

Take that first step of faith into the dark canyon, lean into Jesus, and you will find rescue.

Pam Mytroen

All quotes other than scripture are taken from the following source:

F.A. Worsley, ENDURANCE, W.W. Norton and Co. 1931, pp 150, 155, and 156