To Be and Bee - Marnie Pohlmann

As a writer, I have approached 2019 from a writer’s basic viewpoint.

Who:

Me.

What:

My purpose in 2019.

Where:

Where I am right now.

When:

While I live on this earth.

Why:

Because God has planned what I am to do for Him and I’d like to be about my Lord’s business. Having death in many ways hover over me for the last few years, I am cognizant of how much time I waste and let slip by, so my “good intentions” have become “good inattention.”

How:

Ah… and there’s the rub.

I have spent most of my life trying to discover who I am and what my purpose in life is. Occasionally I think I know the answers to these questions, and then the struggle begins anew.

I have learned over the last few years that the childhood trauma I experienced has had a dramatic effect on my brain. My coping methods, my self-talk, and my personality have all developed in light of that trauma. I have struggled to discover who the Marnie is that God knit together in my mother’s womb and who I was meant to be before trauma interfered. It’s the old philosophical question of “nature vs nurture” for which there are many facets of discovery and no absolute answers until we learn from God.

No matter who I was meant to be, I am who I am today because of my life experiences. No matter how wonderful God created me to be, I am still a sinner living in a broken world. I am still undeserving of God’s mercy and salvation through grace, yet I am the recipient of both. Therein lies my hope for answers.

You see, I have learned that no matter who I am or what I have experienced, God still has a purpose for me. As He redeems my life, He teaches me not who I was meant to be, but who I will be.

As depression squeezed my life these last few years, all my healthy habits fell away. This year I need to relearn the “how” of living. As I thought about this, I became anxious about the eating, drinking, and moving that is needed for a healthy body. I became frustrated at failing to be kind to myself. I became ashamed at my lack of self-discipline. So much must change! What to do, and how to do it in 2019?

I asked God what He wanted me to do this year. Should I stop some of the volunteer work I do for the church, the Historical Society, my work’s recreational club, or Inscribe? Most of this work both frustrates me and fills my cup. Should I write, or give it up? Should I work or look for something new that can pay the bills?

The word “be” jumped to mind. Yes, B… E... spelled out simply and boldly in front of my mind’s eye.

I jumped to the conclusion it must mean Psalm 46:10.

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be honoured by every nation. I will be honoured throughout the world.” (NLT)

What does “Be still and know that I am God” look like in my life this year?

“No,” God corrected. “That’s not what I said. Think about it for awhile.”

So, I pondered what “be” could mean.

Then at work I was given some flowers with a cute little stuffy in the center. It was a ladybug, but I first saw it as a bee. Yes, a bee. Confirmation of my “word” for 2019?

So, I pondered what “bee” could mean.

 

Bee.

I was certainly busy as a bee. When I think about it, though, a bee is only busy with the work it is designed for. A worker bee stumbles from flower to flower, collecting pollen to take back for others to enjoy while producing the honey they are known for. A bee is focused.

Be.

Just be me. With all my natural and nurtured faults, my quirks, and my creativity. Not trying to be who I think I should have been, should be, or should want to become. Just be me.

God loves me just as I am though He will not leave me where I am. I must grow and change, but that is not what my focus is to be. I am to focus not on my overwhelming life, but on the flowers God provides to attract and feed me, and then to take that nourishment to others. I am to become bee focused.

And how to do that?

Who:

Me with God.

What:

Choices, being transparent and honest no matter what I imagine others may think.

When:

Moment by moment, day by day.

Where:

At work, at church, at home, everywhere I volunteer, at my writing desk and when I am alone, with only God and me.

Why:

Because to be a bee is to have purpose and to know who I am to be - a servant of the King.

How:

By caring for myself as God cares for me and focusing on my Master as He leads me from flower to flower.

In 2019 I will Bee.

I will Be.

Marnie will BE in northern British Columbia, where she writes and occasionally shares on her blog,  Phosphorescent.