A Journey through Grief, by Natasha Erskine

 (Photo taken August 2012)

For the last 20 months, I have been blogging through a season of grief. After my husband died suddenly in the Fall of 2012, I found that writing was a tremendous emotional release and catalyst for processing the hard truths, questions, doubts, and fears… Posting these writings in an online blog seemed to provide an opportunity for me to bring many loved ones along for the journey. In so doing, I discovered that everyone grieves. Grief is something that every human being experiences in one form or another, but few recognize or acknowledge it. In allowing others to see into my private ponderings, raw agony, and wrestlings with the deep questions of life, I discovered that I was giving expression to the same thoughts and struggles others were having but didn't feel the freedom to express… As much as my writing was focused on my own journey and process through grief and by faith, an unexpected blessing that occurred was the community of brokenness* that bound grieving hearts together as one, from different places around the globe.

*community of brokenness is a phrase Jerry Sittser uses in his book, A Grace Disguised, How the Soul Grows Through Loss.

Grief is not something I see myself writing about long term, though it will most certainly impact all of my writings as it has forever altered my human experience, my perspective, my approach to life and faith… But for now, compiling these blogs and finding a way to tell my story seems to be about my own journey toward healing. Through writing, I process through the up and down emotions of grief. I process through all that has happened, what it means, and where that leaves my faith, values, relationships, and trust in God. Through writing, I accomplish some of what John W. James and Russell Friedman in The Grief Recovery Handbook call a journey to completeness, where everything left "undone" in the wake of death, every emotion, relational tension, every thought, etc. must be carried forth to a place of completion before a person can truly move on into a life of wholeness and completeness. This does not suggest that the loss will not still be present or felt on some level, but it suggests a healing that leaves the bereaved in a healthy state both mentally and emotionally, and able to look back and recognize the good and the bad, the things we miss and the things we don't miss, the things we long to have again and the things we rejoice in having or experiencing in a new life or new normal…

Compiling these writings and fitting them together as a whole has been quite a challenge for me. I question what to include and what not to include, what is too intimate and what is not intimate enough?? I question the order, how I organize the writings to form a coherent or thematic pattern… As one fellow writer advised, It is not the story you have to decide on, you already have your story. Now you must choose HOW to tell it. And I question how to be honest in representing the great, though human, man my husband was on the earth. I believe that it is most honouring to my husband to tell the honest truth about our life and marriage together, but then I think, How would this make his family feel? How would other loved ones feel if I wrote about something not so positive in representing the man they knew and loved??

Ultimately, I wonder, how do I continue to honour God with my life story? Can my story of grief and healing and faith in God impact the world around me for good? Donald Miller talks about Redemptive Suffering, when we see suffering as the evil that it is, but also discover goodness where it can be found. He tells the story of Viktor Frankl and how he transcended suffering in the concentration camps, leading others to do the same, in a sense, overcoming evil with good (Romans 12:21).

In the next few months, I intend to have the first rough draft complete and ready for further editing. I am excited to complete this work, ready to move on in some respects out of the depths of journeying through grief. But also richly blessed to discover the goodness that God might do in and though my life as time keeps pushing me forward…

I am happy and anxious to hear any comments, nuggets of wisdom, guiding words of experience from other writer's or fellow readers. Please do share :).


My blog can be found at Lead Me in the Way Everlasting (Psalm 139:24)

A Life of Truth in a Changing World, by Natasha Erskine

Then Jesus said to those who believed in Him, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32)

People all over the world have their own version of the truth. We all have different beliefs that we assent to, different influences and experiences that form and shape our perspectives and beliefs. And all disciples must come to the place in which they realize that they cannot know and understand God by human resources alone.

As the author and the finisher of our faith, our Teacher disciples us from a place of human knowledge to a place of spiritual understanding. At the beginning of our journey of faith, our ideas are formed by our human context, our personality preferences, our cultural influences and experiences, etc. But our transformation comes by the renewing of our minds, as we come alive in the spirit, and live a life submitted to a truth beyond ourselves… His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

We are writing in an age where the whole world is united as one global village. We are exposed to all kinds of religious beliefs, traditions, cultures, perspectives, etc. How do we approach topics that result in cultural tensions and controversy? That step on the toes of racial or religious stereotypes and prejudices? How do we engage with the world, expressing our faith, in a way that honours the Word and demonstrates grace? The perfect love of God?

Living here on this earth, we believers must face the monstrous challenge of being foreigners in a strange land, ambassadors for Christ, expressions of a kingdom that is not of this world, the kingdom of heaven…

I do not know the answers to most of these questions, and I know this doesn't touch on the practical questions at hand, but these things I keep before me as I write…

1. Jesus Himself is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father except through Him.

2. Jesus' truth brings change and freedom to whomever it meets, at whatever time in history, in whatever culture or circumstance in which a person finds himself/herself.

3. No matter how well formulated are my thoughts and beliefs, no matter how confident I am in my understanding and interpretations of the Word, His Ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I must remain submitted to the Living Word that is exalted even above the very Name of God (Ps 138:2).

4. Truth can only be lived out and experienced in a life of grace. I know the Truth because of grace. I express the truth because of grace. Someone else might come to know the truth through me, and be set free, only because of grace.

5. A life of truth requires vulnerability, a willingness to be broken.

Prayer:

Father, in these days of great change, with cultures clashing around the globe, truths and false truths mixed together as one, How do we exalt the truth? How do we know and write the Living Word that sets people free? Lead us out of our human wisdom and into spiritual understanding. Fill us with your grace.   

A Beckoning, by Natasha Erskine

In moments of great peace, I am often walking down a path toward the ocean, with fields of tall green grass rising on either side, with warm rays of sunshine shining down on my face, a cool sweet breeze blowing my hair... In these moments, God’s love speaks loudly to my heart, beckoning me towards praise, drawing me in to the mystery of a good God, more vast and majestic than the mighty ocean and the expanse of the sky.

But this life allows for many different kinds of moments where Love beckons us to listen, to see and know. There are moments of great light, and mountaintop nights as well as moments of great darkness and degrading pain. All of these moments can be characterized by grace, and they move in and out of every season of our lives.

What does God’s love say in the darkest of moments? How does it beckon?

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull that it cannot hear. (Isaiah 59:1, ESV)

In every moment, Love has the opportunity to speak. Love speaks in the glorious rays of sunshine, but also in the dark caves and pits of despair we experience along our way... I have known low moments, like when I stood over my husband’s dead body, holding the hand of the man I loved as the last bit of warmth drained from his skin. Moments like holding my daughters through weeping and fear, devastation and loss. I have sat at the bottom of a deep dark pit, surrounded by grief and despair. And still, I heard love speaking...

I might have assumed that being surrounded by darkness would naturally coincide with a separation from the love of God, despite my knowledge of Romans 8:38-39. I might have assumed that anger and guilt, fear and despair would have driven my God away, making me unlovely in His sight. Unworthy of His holy presence. And yet, in the silence of deep sorrow, Love spoke with sovereign and divine authority, fully present and engaged with the deepest part of me. In the horrendous cry of grief and unbearable pain, love spoke with the authority to heal and restore my soul. In the expression of anger and guilt, the fear of abandonment and loss, love spoke with the divine authority to claim me as His own… Beckoning me nearer.

In each and every moment, Love has an opportunity to speak. Love speaks tenderly in the darkest of places. And Love has the authority to speak into each moment, beckoning us, in all circumstances, through every experience, to know the God who reigns on High, in great glory and power, with His sceptre extended in justice and mercy, with the sovereign authority to reach into your moment and beckon you nearer... changing you into the image of his Son, honoring you with His Name, and bringing change and power to bear on your life (Graham Cook).

A Closed Door - Natasha Erskine

There is something very disconcerting about a closed door.

Whatever climate surrounds me, whether the sun shines bright or the world rests in shadows, whether the stars illuminate the night sky or darkness pervades the atmosphere of life, a closed door is what it is.

A closed door.

This feeling of being shut out, coming up against a wall that won't budge, can be generated by a missed opportunity, a death of some kind, a lost relationship, or a terminated job. The feeling can be triggered by something as simple as a dying plant. A sickness. Running out of gas.

In all instances, there is something we hoped for, something alive, something moving forward, that has ended, terminated, come to a halt… A closed door.

As a writer who longs for expression, for a sense of flow and inspiration, a closed door in any area of life has the potential to breed a season of silence. It can bring one's creative flow to a halt. It can stall the inspirational happenings of a spirit. It can cause us to question what we once thought to be true. Who we really are. What we truly believe.

And as a writer, we must engage in that silence. Be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). Allow the Holy Spirit to reaffirm what we have known to be true as we are tried and tested in the fire.

One of the most important facets of being a writer is cultivating a listening spirit. And in the face of a closed door, deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7). Spirit engages with Spirit. Questions lead us down that blood stained path of righteousness and faith in Jesus Christ our Lord.

If you are facing a closed door, beloved child of God, than close your eyes. Listen. Listen in the stillness. Be wooed in the wilderness (Hosea 2). Be quiet in His Presence. And soon, words will yet flow…

Natasha Erskine


Natasha Erskine graduated from Kingswood University, where she met and married her husband, and they followed a call into full-time ministry. They served in ministry together, had two beautiful daughters, and a few months before their 9th anniversary, Natasha's husband died suddenly of unknown cause. Natasha continues to pursue God's call into full-time ministry, while grieving and raising her two children. As a writer and a worship leader, she seeks to exalt the name of God and be a vessel of truth and healing, while her own journey of healing is still being fulfilled.