Ministering to Our Future Selves by Michelle Joy Teigrob

After stumbling through a year-long gauntlet of heartache and trouble, including the deaths of two loved ones, my spirit finally succumbed to my burden one grey November afternoon. For almost two days, I could not bring myself to rise. While I mostly felt overcome and unable to process much of anything, deep down a sense of humiliation and anxiety stirred. How could I have allowed myself to reach such a state? I trusted in Jesus to help me through anything and everything, so why was I lying on my couch feeling as though I could not go on?

Even as I shamed myself, my family reacted with kindness, patience, and understanding. My son spent hours sitting near me as he worked on his college studies. My husband and daughter picked up the chores I had left undone. I felt both undeserving and worried. My family always depended on my caretaking; maybe they didn’t need me as much as I liked to believe they did.

When I could finally do more than just sleep, I turned to reading. Normally a voracious reader and able to plough through a whole novel in a day, I found myself unable to get through more than a few lines at a time. One verse from Scripture kept drawing me back. I read it many times over: "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory" (Matthew 12:20, NIV). "I have become a bruised reed and a smoldering wick. I have become of no use to anyone.".

Eventually, I had enough strength to pull out my journal and write down some thoughts in response to the verse.

The fervent prayers of some loved ones, the kind mentoring of a friend, and a booklet on recovering from burnout helped me get back on my feet over the next several weeks. I found myself once again working at my job, ministering to others, and caring for my family with most of my old joy and strength.

Then one day I hit a low spot again, not as bad as the time before, but sadness and doubt troubled my spirit. Not expecting to find anything in particular to help me, I paged aimlessly through my journal while also reflecting on what I might write in it next. Then I came to the note I had jotted weeks before in response to Matthew 12:20.

The words I had written did not hold flashes of genius. They had not been carefully crafted into eloquence and elegance. They were just simple declarations of belief in the promise of the verse I had read and reread.

"You don’t have to worry about being a smoldering wick," I had written to myself.
"You don’t have to apologize for it, or be embarrassed about it, ashamed, guilty, afraid, or anxious.
Jesus is not going to snuff you out.
Instead, he is going to enact justice.
He is going to make things right.
Everything and everyone that have hurt and broken and chipped away at you over this past year, he is going to make right. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But he will."

As I reread this message to myself weeks after I had written it, the plain, simple words of declared belief nudged my spirit once again towards renewed hope and motivation.

We may not plan for it to be so, but sometimes our journals can be tools of hope and healing for our future selves. We may be writing simply to encourage ourselves in the moment, yet we never know when our declarations of faith in one instance of pain and suffering may be just the ministration we need in another time.

Michelle Joy Teigrob lives with her family in Peterborough, Ontario. Her book on grief, Joyfully Star-mapping through Life's Dung-piles, was shortlisted for the 2025 Word Awards.