Confessions of a Former Journalist by Susan Barclay

 

I guess I’m the first in this month’s series of posts to admit that I’m a former journalist, someone who used to keep a journal or diary. I received my first diary when I was about 8 or 9 years old, a green 5-year hardback with gold edges and a golden key and lock. I didn’t write in it much and not much is worth rereading. In high school I developed more of a journaling habit, encouraged by teachers who required us to keep them and which we wrote in school notebooks with lined paper.

I continued to maintain a regular journal through university and from time to time through my working, married, and parenting years. As others have said, it was a place to document and process key events in my life.

It was probably five years ago that I threw in the towel on keeping a journal.

Why?

Well, for one reason, sacrifice. I became a caregiver to my elderly mother as we brought her into our home after a fall. Although I certainly had more to write about and ponder, my time was no longer my own. I had to cater to my mother's needs, which involved a lot of jumping up and down, a variety of appointments, and was physically and mentally exhausting. I still had to keep up with part-time work (until I retired in June 2024) and the chores involved in running a home. I didn’t, and still don’t, have the bandwidth to journal as this caregiving journey continues.

I was tired of playing catch-up, which I had done throughout the years. Sometimes I’d be catching up on months-worth of life. It got to the point where I didn’t feel like doing that anymore. It was just too much.

There were other things I deemed more important than journaling. Things like administering online support groups, participating in two in-person book clubs, and helping to run our church’s 55+ group. In other words, connecting with people rather than paper. (Sometimes you can do both, as with writing for this blog!) And, of course, it’s also critical to maintain spiritual disciplines and that daily connection with God.

I had hoped, or thought, that this month’s blog challenge might lead me to resume journaling. As much as I’ve enjoyed reading the posts so far, it has not had that result. I have, however, been able to keep up with a couple of other daily activities, including Nicky and Pippa Gumbel’s 365-day express Bible plan on YouVersion and reading the daily “devotional,” Your 100 Day Prayer: The Transforming Power of Actively Waiting on God (John I. Snyder), and writing a prayer response. This is perhaps a variation on journaling.

Ironically, even as I gave up on keeping a daily life record, my husband started writing one. His entries are much as others have described, involving lament and reflection followed by praise. Our son has been keeping a journal for over a year now, though I don’t know anything about its contents or his process, other than he writes it on his laptop just like his dad.

I’ve rarely reviewed anything I’ve previously written and what happens to my existing journals when I’m gone does concern me. Someone mentioned leaving instructions for them to be burned unread; my “worry” is that such instructions may be ignored. Sometimes you write things that may be hurtful to others. Maybe it would be better to dispose of one’s journals before they can be read.

For me, the value of journaling is in the processing of things you’re going through. But life is also about living and I have found that journaling takes time away from that. Especially when time is so precious and "me-time" so limited.

When caregiving ends, I may regret not having kept a journal these last several years (after all, it would have provided much fodder for other writing, memoir in particular). I do hope to pick it up again if and when I’m not so weighed down. In the meantime, I’m happy to be writing anything at all.

If like me, you’ve given up journaling because life is just too busy to write about it, let’s trust and believe that this season too shall pass. And if not, remember, our stories are written in His book. Our lives matter whether or not they are written about anywhere else. We are part of history (His story) and we make a difference to the people around us. That is enough.

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For more about Susan and her writing, please visit www.susan-barclay.blogspot.com