Frozen Thoughts by Brenda Leyland

For me, every writing idea freezes like icicles on a wintry day when it comes time to write on the InScribe writer's blog. Nothing flows easily when a piece has been assigned or needs a more instructive or formal tone. On the other hand, words flow when I sit down to dash off a note to a friend. And I feel the freedom to write what comes up from my heart on my own blog posts where I write in a personal, conversational style. 

So why do I feel this separation? What makes my ideas freeze? This is what I came to see:

1. I automatically get more tense and nervous writing something on assignment. Perhaps because I know there's an expectation and, horrors, I might not be able to deliver. An article for a magazine or a writers' blog often wants more structure, something in a less chatty tone, even more academic. Something more lofty and of noble purpose. There's an element of  'should' in it and we all know what 'should' makes us do—our creative right brain shuts down, goes into hiding, and cuts us off from the flow of creativity and spontaneity.

2. Childhood negative writing experiences can still hold sway after all these years. As I write, I suddenly see myself sitting in a school room filled with squirming classmates where we're told to get out a sheet of paper, 'I want you to write an essay today'. In school, I intensely disliked writing essays. First, they were boring, yes, because I was seldom interested in any of the topics available for discussion. I had to choose something I had little knowledge of and no heart for. Blech! Second, essay writing in school was always a nervous time for me. I could never figure out what I wanted to say. My classmates' pencils were scribbling across lined pages, and there I'd be chewing my pencil eraser, panicking on the inside because time was running out and the teacher will call me up to read my piece and my page will be blank. I felt stupefied. On top of that, as I sat there with a blank slate in my head, I was so aware that Mrs. Teacher would be grading this piece with her sharpened red pencil to inform me everything I did wrong. I felt the shame.

I feel the angst as I remember. No wonder my thoughts still freeze. It would seem that my unconscious memories, and more importantly, old beliefs attached to those school writing experiences have me sitting here trembling—what will the reader say about this little post? Will it produce a good response? Or will there be a 'sniff' at the writer's impertinence?

Well then... the bottom line of this little online pondering is that if we are to thaw frozen thoughts so we can begin writing with more ease and flow, we need to uncover what it is that is causing the flash-freezing in the first place. For me, operating under the fears and beliefs of old school days has held me back. But, thankfully, now that I understand that, I don't have to stay here. I can move forward.

I'm very grateful for today's blog assignment.