DEEP IN DIVERSE by Sheila Webster

This past January my years verse was James 1:2-5.  For me it is more of a life verse.  It became very apt though for all of us.

There are always moments of madness and moments of meditation, reflection and processing on the events.

From the death of a grandchild to the birth of two, 

death of relative

to the moving of one son and impending marriage of another 

and the daily needs of my home. 

Life propels us into an uncertain future. But there is always wisdom and hope to be found when we seek it.

Is It Quitting Time? by Lynn Dove

 I have never felt more like quitting than today!  

The weight of that thought droops my shoulders, and brings me close to tears.  I look at the blank screen on my computer and experience an overwhelming urge to delete every file, purge the hard drive of every piece of my writing, finished and unfinished, and declare my writing career done.  

For good.  

Forever.

I don't get paid enough for this!  The more I think about that fact, the angrier I become.  Is it worth it financially for me to continue?  

Seriously!  

My heart's just not in it anymore!  It isn't.  I haven't enjoyed the process in months.  It is tedium now, something I do out of obligation, a sense of duty.  I struggle whenever I try to put my thoughts onto paper.  I don't feel any sense of accomplishment after I've rattled off a somewhat mediocre article, just a sense of relief that I have completed yet another writing deadline on time.  I can now relax until another bout of nagging guilt forces me to tackle yet another last minute assignment.

I debate closing down every social media account I have.  I want anonymity, obscurity, to vanish like a wisp and face the consequences of what I am convinced is welcome oblivion.  

Will people even notice my absence?  Do I honestly think that my presence online is that important to anyone else?

So, I ask myself, "Why am I doing this?"

I pause.  The question begs an answer, but I have no ready answers.

Why am I doing this?

The question hangs in the air like a maleficent odour.  It reeks in its putridity.  I have to figure out an answer or I will eventually succumb to this impending stench of death.  I am hearing in my head the gonging chimes marking the death knell of my writing.

Why am I doing this?

Is it for the money?

No.  I almost laugh out loud.  I suppose there are authors who are making good money with their writing.  Not me.  

But, it's never been about the money for me...  Has it?

No.  There was a time I wrote for the sheer pleasure of it.  I wrote because I loved to write.  I was compelled to write.  The art, the act of writing beckoned to me from deep within.  When I was awake, I thought about writing, and when I drifted to sleep, I was still composing and editing the storylines in my head.  

When did it become about the money?  

I have to answer honestly with abject sadness, "When writing became more like a job, and less about the craft."

So if I'm not writing for the money, is it for fame?

I will admit that I enjoy the compliments, the comments, the writing accolades, the awards I have received because of my writing.  Prideful?  Definitely.  It does motivate me to keep writing to stroke my ego.  However, I have also faced criticism.

I don't like that.

I have faced critical evaluation of my writing, and even though it is hard to read and accept, I still continue to write despite it.  

I'm not stroking my ego then.  

It is persevering in the midst of struggle.  It is wanting to overcome, to grow, to improve.  I conclude that writing must be more than attaining money or garnering personal fame.  The revelation of that causes me to perk up a bit, but again I face that nagging question:

So, why am I doing this?

Philippians 1: 4-6 immediately comes to mind. "In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

The Apostle Paul is praising the Philippians for their work in spreading the gospel, and that work, with God's help, will not be completed until the second coming of Jesus.  For me, it is a rallying cry to persevere, to continue in the work God has called me to until such time He tells me to stop.

I am once again reminded that it's not about me, it's all about Him.

My writing is His.

It is not up to me to quit when I am frustrated, discouraged, overwhelmed or just plain tired of it all.  It is embracing my ongoing ministry, my partnership in the gospel, and I must continue it to completion.  I ask forgiveness for my self-centeredness, and ask God to renew my passion for writing once again.  

Thankfully, He always answers that prayer!

Lynn Dove is the award-winning author, of the YA “Wounded Trilogy”- a contemporary Christian fiction series with coming-of-age themes.  A wife, mom, grandmother, and free-lance writer with articles published in several magazines and anthologies including Chicken Soup for the Soul books, her blog, “Journey Thoughts” is a Canadian Christian Writing Award winner.  Readers may connect with her at lynndove.com 

A Season of Mourning by Nina Faye Morey

 

The word I chose for this year was preparation. The title of my January post was “A Season of Preparation.” I talked about how winter is a season of preparation that helps us grow stronger to withstand the upcoming storms. The impending storm I saw on the horizon then did not pass me by as I’d hoped. Unfortunately, it washed away all those familiar roads in my life, leaving me to tread a lonely and solitary path through the wilderness.

Some seasons are too short, while others seem to cling to life forever. Sadly, my season of preparation was briefer than I’d expected or needed. Although I knew my husband’s cancer was terminal, his remaining time was cut way too short. When I sent him off in the ambulance the night he passed, I thought he’d be admitted to the hospital, hopefully, the Palliative Care Unit. When the ER nurse phoned me in the wee hours to tell me he wasn’t going to make it until morning, I had to ask her to repeat what she’d said. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Unfortunately, he was already unconscious by the time I got there, so I never said my goodbyes as I’d planned.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

Relieve the troubles of my heart

And free me from my anguish.

~ Psalm 25: 16-17 (NIV)

 

Since then, I’ve relied on the Lord to give me the strength I need to cope with the grief, fear, sadness, and loneliness that accompanies this new season of mourning. I continue to pray and take comfort from the knowledge that He’s always with me to bear me up no matter what troubles I’m experiencing.

Grief comes in and out like waves from the ocean. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you.

~ Alan Wolfelt, Understanding Your Grief

There are good days and bad days. Some days, I feel pretty good. Other days the tears come in waves, triggered by seeing or hearing something that reminds me of my husband or a special day we’d normally celebrate together. You can’t stop these waves of grief any more than you can stop the storm waves rolling in from the ocean. I doubt anyone can ever be truly over their grief. It will always remain with you, but somehow you gradually learn to make peace with it and go on living.

 

In grief, nothing “stays put.” One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I’m on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

Psychologists talk about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But not everyone goes through all of these stages in sequential order or even experiences them all. The grief process doesn’t proceed in sequential stages; it’s a wild, up and down roller coaster ride. There are days I feel I’m functioning normally. Then there are days I’m totally absent minded and forgetful, I have trouble concentrating, or I do or say something that’s stupid or crazy. Those days make me think that I’m losing my mind. (Especially scary, since my father and other members of his family suffered from Alzheimer’s disease.)

 

When we lose someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyze us emotionally. …When they die a part of us dies too.

~ Henry Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

 

After the loss of my husband, all my preparations and plans for 2020 never had a chance to even bud, let alone bear fruit. I’d planned to spend more time on my writing, but I lost all motivation to write. Even now, it remains elusive. But, I’ve forced myself to at least pick up the pen to write these posts in order to restore some semblance of normalcy to my life. I also know that creative activities are positive ways to cope with negative feelings and emotions.

The main thing I’ve learned is that you’re never prepared for the death of a loved one, or the loss and grief that follows once the initial shock has passed. Death does not “go according to plan.” My husband died during the wee hours of the same morning Palliative Home Care had arranged to deliver a lift chair and install poles to help stabilize him so that he could get up out of the chair, bed, and shower. Although we’d made our funeral arrangements several years in advance, there was still the actual funeral service to prepare. During his illness, we’d discussed my handling of the finances and many of the normal affairs of living. I’d taken over driving and some of the practical day-to-day chores. But I wasn’t prepared when it came to doing all of the things my husband normally took care of, such as snow shovelling, minor household repairs, or vehicle maintenance.

“Though the mountains be shaken

And the hills be removed,

Yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

Nor my covenant of peace be removed,”

Says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

~Isaiah 54:10

Those are just some of the practical preparations, but there’s also many on the spiritual side. It’s normal to be sad, anxious, afraid, and lonely when your spouse dies. It’s one of the most difficult passages in life. But I continue to pray, read scripture and spiritual texts, and keep my thoughts on my Lord and Saviour. I’m looking forward to being with both Jesus and my husband in heaven one day. That helps to give me some sense of peace, hope, and comfort throughout this very difficult passage in my life.

Defining Moments - A Mid-Month Moment with Connie Inglis

Today's Mid-Month Moment from the archives of Connie Inglis, our former Spiritual Advisor. 

The world's history is full of defining moments. November 11th is set aside specifically to remember those defining moments, that date being the day WW1 ended--but on that day we also remember all those who gave their lives in war for our freedom.

Our personal histories have defining moments as well. But how do we look at them? Do we look at them through eternal eyes? Through His Word?

God's Word is FULL of defining moments. If I asked for a response to some of the defining moments in His Word, what would you say? Eve eating from the fruit? Moses leading the people out of Egypt? Jesus' birth? His death?

God talks a lot about remembering in His Word. In fact, the NIV uses the word "remember" 264 times. That's enough for us to realize that remembering is important. God continually asks us to remember--remember His love and His great wonders (Psalm 136:2,3) ; remember you were once slaves but now you're free (1 Cor 7:22); remember His faithfulness (Heb 10:23). Then Jesus asks us to remember. At the last supper He says, "Do this in remembrance of Me."(Lk 22:19)

If we look at ourselves as "spiritual beings having a human experience" (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin), then it is important for us to focus on our life's defining moments in light of eternity. As in His Word, God calls us to remember and reflect; to ponder and then pronounce; to stand and then seize.

And let us not forget all the verses where God makes promises that He remembers. Here are a few: He remembers His covenant with Noah (Gen 9:15); He remembers His covenant with Abraham (Exod 2:24); He remembers His covenant with David when Jesus was born (Matt 1:1); He remembers that we are weak, mere dust (Psalm 103:14; 136:23).

God's Word is FULL of promises for you and me today that are sure and forever because He remembers His covenant to us through His Son Jesus. 2 Cor 1:20: For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory.

My prayer for us this week is that we not only remember our freedom as a country but that we remember our freedom as citizens of a higher kingdom--as members of God's family. (Eph 2:19)

In remembering,

Connie

November 9, 2016