Dealing with Hurtful Words- Carol Harrison

Hurts run deep and stick around when I have been wounded by words and devastated by detractors. Real and perceived criticism of my writing floods into my mind like the rushing rapids in the Niagara Gorge. Year later old hurts can surface as the negative monkey voice in my head reminisces on them and tries to convince me to just give up.
 
The fact they happen is nothing new but how I deal with them changed over the years as I learned valuable lessons through different sources than I might have expected. 

The words my grade twelve English teacher penned at the end of my short story, "You have an unrealistic point of view." negated the good mark and lack of lots of red pen edits on the paper. The story I had worked hard on until I liked the result felt torn apart.

 His words devastated me, took on a life of their own and I thought he meant I had no writing ability. I never asked for clarification. I never discussed it with anyone else. I assumed I knew what those words meant. With the clarity of hindsight, I realize I hid my love of writing for years because of my own perceptions.

Critiques done well should be like the sandwich approach Toastmasters use in evaluations. These begin with positives such as skills we already possess as speakers or writers. The filling contains what we could improve on and how to accomplish these things. They evaluator ends on a positive note to encourage the speaker to continue working on their craft and speak again. I believe this same method works well for critiques of our writing and provides some great lessons in how I can deal with the negative reactions to my writing and quiet my own internal negativity.

Evaluations and critiques are one person's point of view and include their own biases and perceptions. They also are based on knowledge they have in a certain genre of writing.  In applying this to my grade twelve teacher's comment I now realize he referred not to my writing ability but to the world view I used in my story which did not agree with or reflect his own view of how characters might react.
 He thought Christianity unrealistic. Yet his edits and marks reflected how much I had accomplished in the grammar, verb tense agreement and plot structure based on his background and knowledge.

Critiques do not always follow this pattern of positivity.  I sat with a poet for some feedback on a poem, not my usual genre. I liked the imagery of these few lines and had several people enjoy it. The person told me something I already knew, "It's not a rhyming poem." They also added, "It's not really free verse either."  I asked for more explanation because I really wanted to learn. They had nothing to offer except to keep working on it. Their final thought, "Maybe just write it as a paragraph." Ouch.
Rejection of my attempt at poetry made me hide it away, forgetting the positives I heard from readers. It took years until I tried to write a poem again and the negative words from that critique overpowered my attempts to continue learning.

Another lesson I learned is to never give up. Keep learning. Keep writing. Keep trying to look for the positives even when the negative words threaten to make you give up. I took more workshops on various aspects of writing including poetry. I edited that first poem and put it away for a few more years. Then I submitted it to a magazine who published it this year. This reinforced the lesson of a critique being one person's opinion and the need to continue to learn and not give up.

Well done critiques are not critical but meant to nudge us into a new mindset, teach us and help us improve our writing. I began writing and requested ideas to help get me unstuck. A published author asked me who I planned to write this story for and if I really wanted to hear her thoughts or just receive a pat on the back. I told her I wanted to learn. She offered suggestions of things to cut and where to begin in a very curt manner. I must admit my first thought was, "Who does she think she is? this is my story."  My second thought, "Wait a minute you asked her for advice. You can start a new file and try it. If it doesn't work go back to your original copy."  I tried the story her way and it worked. It began to flow and grabbed the reader's attention. She knew what she was talking about. 

Rejection hurts and words can wound deeply. We feel pummeled by the raging waters of criticism. The effects might stay with us longer than we care to admit. We can put these into perspective by not allowing negative remarks and criticism from a single source to deter us from pursuing our passion for using our God-given abilities to write even if that style may differ from someone else's preference.

I  strive to learn from judges' comments in contests I enter as well as editors corrections instead of view them as an attack on my writing. It puts me into a more positive mindset. 

When the sting of harsh, hurtful words, negative comments on my work make me feel like giving up
I need to remember the words from Colossians 3:17 which says, "And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father through him."

My writing remains a work in progress with more to learn from others who have traveled this journey longer than I have. When the waters of doubt and hurt bombard me, I trust God to help me weather the storm by anchoring my roots deep into the Rock.

Carol Harrison is a speaker, published author and coach who lives in Saskatoon, SK. She believes in the importance of life long learning. Telling stories has been an important part of most of her life. Now she puts some of them on paper too.  Her passion is sharing real-life experiences and God's Word to help others find a glimmer of hope and a glimpse of joy. 

Behind the Writing of Amee's Story - Carol Harrison

The story behind the writing of my first published piece which is a memoir called, Amee's Story, happened over many years. Walk with me down memory lane to see the process involved to get to the point of writing let alone publication.  

I loved English including the writing assignments back in high school, more years ago than I might care to remember. My final grade twelve project, a short story, received a very good mark which has been lost to time. In my mind's eye I can still vividly see the teacher's last remark at the end of the piece, "You have an unrealistic viewpoint." I told no one about the comment or asked what it really meant. I simply felt it negated the great mark and maybe I could not or should not write.

My English professor, in first year university, added to my inner negative voice with a failing grade on the first essay assignment. The big red circle around the number 40 stared at me. The comment beside it read, "You didn't answer the question!" Beating back the tears and humiliation, I chose to make an appointment with him to discover what I needed to learn in order to succeed. His answer, "You're in university. You should just know." left me uncertain about how to proceed.

My plan included regurgitating what the professor spouted in class. It helped me pass the class but did not teach me anything constructive. I promised myself I would write enough to pass my classes but never write for anyone else to read. The joy of writing, the longing to put ideas on paper could not enter into my thinking. I was not a writer!

Years later my husband began pestering me to write about the journey with our youngest daughter after her stroke at birth. I had continued to write in journals, especially details of everyday life with the challenges of raising a daughter with special needs. I intended to keep the promise I made to myself to never write for others to read, including my husband and family. Even my dear hubby had no idea of how much I used to enjoy writing. My answer to his periodic requests remained the same, "I can't! I am not a writer!"

This dance around writing this story that needed telling continued for years. Our daughter, Amee, started to plead with me to tell her story so others would understand. The refusals became harder but continued to escape my lips. I did not consider this might be the time God needed to do some alterations in my attitude.

Hubby and daughter began to wear down the wall of resistance built around my heart. I sat at the computer and attempted to start this on going story. I hit delete. After a few weeks I tried again with the same results. Fast forward through many starts and deletes. To combat the inadequacy and the writing going nowhere, I opted to spend time sorting all the reports and notes. I organized everything chronologically, read every piece of information and researched a few terms to make sure I still understood them.

 With nothing left to sort, I began again but did not hit delete. One chapter and then two appeared on the screen before the mental block of how to continue surfaced. I wanted to give up. Who was I to think I could write? Why did my loved ones push me so hard?

A friend saw a poster for a Christian Writers conference in Saskatoon and urged me to attend. You can only imagine all the excuses which came out of my mouth. But God had a plan. My friend, husband and daughter would not let me give up. They encouraged, cajoled, pushed, prayed and did whatever they felt might work on any given day.

I entered that conference room with heart racing and beads of sweat popping out on my brow. Yet people welcomed me. I met some amazing people from Inscribe like Marcia Laycock and Jan Dick. I found myself enjoying the day. I added to the bravery and went to a monthly meeting of His Imprint and continued to go back each month to listen to others read their works in progress, hear encouraging words and helpful hints.

It took a few more months of being stuck with my writing until I took that first chapter and read part of it out loud to other more experienced, published authors. I needed help. I remember Bonnie Grove being very quiet and not offering suggestions. After the meeting I cornered her and asked for her help. She asked me several questions and then bluntly told me to cut a number of things and start at a different spot. After delivering her thoughts she walked away.

I must admit I had thoughts running through my head like, "Who does she think she is? It's my story." which turned to, "Carol you asked her what she thought and told her to be honest. You're stuck. What can it hurt to try it her way."

The next time I sat at my computer I opened a new file and began in the spot Bonnie suggested. I tightened up the writing making sure only pertinent words and information made it to the page. This unstuck my writing and it began to flow from chapter to chapter. It remained my story, only done in a way to grab the reader's attention.

Thank you Bonnie. Thank you to each person who I met at the conference and the His Imprint group. You encouraged, taught, critiqued and helped me move from my refusal to even try to thinking I might be able to.

It took several years of work from those first weeks of sorting material and research until the book was ready for more edits, cover design and publication in January 2010. God has used the story in places I could not imagine, touched lives I may never know about and allowed me to share one glimpse for others that the God of the Bible is still God today. He had a plan for me which I resisted for a long time. He had a plan for the book, Amee's Story which goes beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Things do not always look like what we expect but I am glad I finally listened and let God lead the way into this new venture.

Carol Harrison, B.Ed. from Saskatoon, has published one book, Amee’s Story, and has short stories in fifteen anthologies including eight Chicken Soup for the Soul books and two of Susan King’s Short and Sweet books. She has a passion for sharing stories from real-life experiences and God’s Word to help others find a glimmer of hope.