Alan Taylor’s black ‘76 Chevy smashed into the bridge guardrail Friday night at precisely 11:42 p.m. A split second later, it catapulted into the power lines, flipped over on its back and dropped like a dead raven on the Amtrak rails below.
At 11:57 p.m., Alan slumped upside down inside his car. At least the seat belt works. He moaned, lifting his left arm. He tried to move his legs. What am I doing here? He wiggled to free himself. Twisted metal came between him and the buckle. He felt blood flowing into his head. He laughed. Good thing I’m drunk. Yeah, good thing I‘ve been hanging upside down every night at the gym. The alcohol continued to do its job. Look at me — not a tense muscle in my body. I’m in great shape for the shape I’m in. I can sleep anywhere. Craziest trip I’ve taken. Might as well relax; the police will be along soon.
The state highway patrol officer was certain no one was alive in the car. He glanced at his watch. It must have happened after 11:40 or the eastbound Broadway Limited would have further remodeled the Chevy — along with everything inside it. He wondered what getting hit by a train would feel like. I bet it wouldn’t have made any difference to whoever was in this car. Dead is dead.
Alan’s mother worked all day in the retail outlet her husband owned before he died. Before retiring, she soaked her feet and took two pain killers. I don’t want to wake up during the night. I am so tired. I really need to sleep. She shut her eyes at 10:14. It seemed only moments when she opened them again at 11:05. She glanced at the clock. I don’t want to be awake. This is absolutely crazy.
For a few minutes, she stared at the little sparkles in the ceiling and tried to find Orion or Ursas Minor. Then she rolled several times, first to the right but her shoulder ached; then to the left but her right arm went numb. Why, God? Why can’t I sleep tonight? It has been a long day — and a long week. This isn’t fair.
She stumbled to the kitchen and put a mug of milk in the microwave. When it was warm, she walked sipping into the living room. Outside, the well-lit street was quiet. She was glad they were finally able to move away from the tracks. That Broadway Limited used to wake her up every night at 11:40. When Dave died, she used the insurance money to upgrade. This was a good move. This milk is good too. She felt sleepy again and returned to the bedroom. Just as she turned back the covers to crawl in, she heard a train whistle — it was the Broadway Limited. How can that be? We live twenty miles from the track?
Something is wrong. She slid out of bed and dropped to her knees. Lord, watch over that train tonight. You alone control what is happening. You are able to protect it and anyone concerning it. She prayed for its passengers, then for people who might be on the crossings. Alan. He’s okay. He’s at work, at Leek’s Cafe. He called and said he would be working until midnight. She prayed: Lord, keep Alan out of the path of that train. Keep him safe tonight. Help him to understand that You love him. May Your goodness lead him to repentance. She crawled under the sheets, closed her eyes and was instantly asleep. It was 11:41.
Alan looked again at his watch. It was 12:06. He was no longer laughing. My mother will never trust me again. I told her I already had my license back and now she will find out. What will I tell her this time? I keep lying to her. I really don’t want to but she keeps asking personal questions. I have to say something.
He wished he had been a little kinder to her at supper. She talked about his future. She said I have so much potential. Yeah, I think so too — so why can’t I get a decent job? And why does everything I touch turn into a bill at the end of the month? Why can’t I get my act together? Why did dad have to die anyway? I am so bloody unlucky. Look at this mess. My car is totaled. Why does everything happen to me?
He could see the broken power lines above him. He could smell the oil and gasoline bleeding out of his car. By turning his head, he could see the Amtrak bridge and the broken rail. He knew what time the trains came by; he used to live less than 500 yards from this spot. I just missed the 11:40 express. God — what a coincidence. His mind stopped, suddenly sobered on that thought. Only God could do that — only God. Why would He bother with a bum like me? I don’t deserve any favors. I... He... why me? For a few minutes, he tried to shake thoughts of God but could not. Tears began rolling out the corners of his eyes and up into his hairline.
The state highway patrol officer slammed his car door and slid down the embankment beside the bridge. He pointed his flashlight directly in front, fearful he might stumble onto a hot wire from the power lines or broken glass and sheared metal from the Chevy. He stopped. What is that noise? It sounds like someone singing... in the car. He reached the battered mass and peered inside.
Police Log: Arrested and booked Alan Taylor, twenty, on charges of reckless and drunk driving, driving without a license and speeding. Unable to give a breathalyser but car contained several bottles of beer and the suspect behaved in a manner consistent with someone who was not in control of their faculties.
“Can you believe this,” the officer laughed? “This black Chevy hit the Amtrak bridge rails and somehow flipped upside down off the bridge, hit the power lines, broke a bunch of wires, landed top down on the tracks below, minutes after the train goes by — and inside the car, the drunk driving the thing was hanging upside down. It took us nearly an hour to get him out of there. The lucky idiot didn’t have a scratch on him. Want to hear the really strange part? When I got there and even the whole time he was in my custody on the way to the station, he had the face of a child. He looked like someone who just got a medal or something. He kept singing some song over and over — not in tune mind you, but it sounded a lot like Amazing Grace.”
© Elsie Montgomery
InScribe Writers Online Blog - Where members share their writings with each other and the world
August 04, 2008
August 01, 2008
Brick Walls - M. Laycock
I've been fighting frustration lately. Frustration with people who seem bent on destroying something beautiful, frustration with doors that slam in your face, frustration with pounding on brick walls that show no sign of crumbling. I confess I was ready to quit a couple of days ago. Ready to turn my computer off and walk away.
But then I managed to have a good night's sleep. (Amazing what that will do for your atttitude!) And then I received an e-mail from a woman telling me how much she is anticipating my sequel. And then I found this video clip.
It's of a university professor named Randy Pausch, giving his last lecture because he was dying of pancreatic cancer. He showed slides of his CAT scan, then he talked about acheiving his childhood dreams, dreams about creating something worthwhile, dreams about doing something important, dreams about just having fun.
I watched in awe as he laid out the pattern of his life - a life in which, in one way or another, he had managed to accomplish all of his childhood dreams. There was no spiritual message in his lecture, yet seeing how his life unfolded you couldn't miss the blessings of God.
He made a few statements worth noting.
The first one is - "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. So be prepared."
The second is - "Brick walls aren't there to keep you out. They're there to show you how badly you want to accomplish your dream."
And the third - "Enabling the dreams of others might just end up being the best part of all, and certainly the most fun."
I listened to this video as I cut up another stack of bookmarks - another small battering ram for that brick wall.
But then I managed to have a good night's sleep. (Amazing what that will do for your atttitude!) And then I received an e-mail from a woman telling me how much she is anticipating my sequel. And then I found this video clip.
It's of a university professor named Randy Pausch, giving his last lecture because he was dying of pancreatic cancer. He showed slides of his CAT scan, then he talked about acheiving his childhood dreams, dreams about creating something worthwhile, dreams about doing something important, dreams about just having fun.
I watched in awe as he laid out the pattern of his life - a life in which, in one way or another, he had managed to accomplish all of his childhood dreams. There was no spiritual message in his lecture, yet seeing how his life unfolded you couldn't miss the blessings of God.
He made a few statements worth noting.
The first one is - "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. So be prepared."
The second is - "Brick walls aren't there to keep you out. They're there to show you how badly you want to accomplish your dream."
And the third - "Enabling the dreams of others might just end up being the best part of all, and certainly the most fun."
I listened to this video as I cut up another stack of bookmarks - another small battering ram for that brick wall.
July 29, 2008
Into the Light of Day - Lynda Schultz
We had a team meeting last Saturday, prompted by the visit of a colleague from Colombia. There are plans being born for a cooperative effort between our Latin American fields and he asked me what I felt I could contribute.
The question should not have been threatening to me. When I submitted my job description and goals to the mission a few years ago, I focussed on my desire to write, to develop resources for the Latin American market. Consequently, I had a clear and carefully formulated answer to give, but the words stuck in my throat. My voice cracked, and I had a hard time controlling the tears that threatened to fall. It wasn't joy or passion that overcame me, it was fear. I was disturbed by my reaction so I sat down later to try to figure out why I couldn't talk about my vision for ministry.
An anonymous piece of advice tacked to my bulletin board says: "The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new." I realized that I was among the "unfortunate."
I was afraid that the people I respect would pity me, laugh at me, or reject me for my presumption. I was afraid that I would fail, that my dreams should have been left where they started—under the bedcovers of darkness. I feared my disappointment if I spent weeks, perhaps months, working on a project only to find that it was worthless.
Was this sense of already being a failure why I used the constant spate of company coming through my home as an excuse for not being able to maintain momentum with my projects? Have I always been looking for something or someone to blame for not completing things? Has all this procrastination simply been my way of avoiding being rejected because I'm not good enough, or as good as someone else?
My complaint about the constant interruptions, about the need for blocks of time to write, didn't hold up. When I had the blocks of time, I often found other things to do that would keep me away from my desk, my laptop, my writing projects. If I didn't do them, and could blame someone else for my not completing them, I could maintain the illusion that I really was a good writer—or could be if given the chance. Finding excuses for not beginning or finishing, helped me avoid the failure that I was sure was to come, and the threat that this failure was to my sense of self, significance, and security.
It's not that I have been idle. I have piles of materials that I have written and taught over the years. However, with the vision of turning these into something that is marketable, of exposing my work to public scrutiny, I was overcome with fear. I doubted myself.
In doubting myself, I doubted God. At the beginning of this year the Lord gave me a verse that I supposedly claimed. It comes from Luke 1:45 and says: "Blessed is she who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Obviously I am having trouble claiming this promise. I struggle with believing that God is bigger than my deficiencies. In spite of the encouragement that God has sent along the way, I am still wondering if there is room for this "wannabe" among so many better writers, and if I have a contribution to make.
I have crippled myself, but I am tired of making excuses, of procrastinating because I am afraid. I am tired of being a failure because I haven't given myself the change to succeed. I am tired of living by someone else's definition of success rather than being guided by God's definition of it.
I am writing this in past tense as though it were not a recent experience. Somehow identifying the enemy has loosened his grip and pushed him into the past. However, the battle is probably not over and there will arise both old and new opponents. At least I now recognize the problem. That alone has given me more freedom and courage to expose the dreams that I have had in the dark to the light of a new day.
The question should not have been threatening to me. When I submitted my job description and goals to the mission a few years ago, I focussed on my desire to write, to develop resources for the Latin American market. Consequently, I had a clear and carefully formulated answer to give, but the words stuck in my throat. My voice cracked, and I had a hard time controlling the tears that threatened to fall. It wasn't joy or passion that overcame me, it was fear. I was disturbed by my reaction so I sat down later to try to figure out why I couldn't talk about my vision for ministry.
An anonymous piece of advice tacked to my bulletin board says: "The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new." I realized that I was among the "unfortunate."
I was afraid that the people I respect would pity me, laugh at me, or reject me for my presumption. I was afraid that I would fail, that my dreams should have been left where they started—under the bedcovers of darkness. I feared my disappointment if I spent weeks, perhaps months, working on a project only to find that it was worthless.
Was this sense of already being a failure why I used the constant spate of company coming through my home as an excuse for not being able to maintain momentum with my projects? Have I always been looking for something or someone to blame for not completing things? Has all this procrastination simply been my way of avoiding being rejected because I'm not good enough, or as good as someone else?
My complaint about the constant interruptions, about the need for blocks of time to write, didn't hold up. When I had the blocks of time, I often found other things to do that would keep me away from my desk, my laptop, my writing projects. If I didn't do them, and could blame someone else for my not completing them, I could maintain the illusion that I really was a good writer—or could be if given the chance. Finding excuses for not beginning or finishing, helped me avoid the failure that I was sure was to come, and the threat that this failure was to my sense of self, significance, and security.
It's not that I have been idle. I have piles of materials that I have written and taught over the years. However, with the vision of turning these into something that is marketable, of exposing my work to public scrutiny, I was overcome with fear. I doubted myself.
In doubting myself, I doubted God. At the beginning of this year the Lord gave me a verse that I supposedly claimed. It comes from Luke 1:45 and says: "Blessed is she who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Obviously I am having trouble claiming this promise. I struggle with believing that God is bigger than my deficiencies. In spite of the encouragement that God has sent along the way, I am still wondering if there is room for this "wannabe" among so many better writers, and if I have a contribution to make.
I have crippled myself, but I am tired of making excuses, of procrastinating because I am afraid. I am tired of being a failure because I haven't given myself the change to succeed. I am tired of living by someone else's definition of success rather than being guided by God's definition of it.
I am writing this in past tense as though it were not a recent experience. Somehow identifying the enemy has loosened his grip and pushed him into the past. However, the battle is probably not over and there will arise both old and new opponents. At least I now recognize the problem. That alone has given me more freedom and courage to expose the dreams that I have had in the dark to the light of a new day.
July 27, 2008
God Understands Our Needs - Jan Keats
It may be difficult to release all the burdens that weigh heavily upon us. We know where to turn in times of distress and we know we can trust God but sometimes life can be very upsetting and still bring unbearable circumstances.
Perhaps we don’t see God’s hand in the storms of life. It may not be recognized until after we go through the trials and the way becomes clear again. Then we acknowledge His presence, “Now I realize that God was with me all along!”
So then we can say with assurance that amidst life’s trials is a God who cares and understands for each one of us. His love is amazing. Each one of us can perhaps give God a list of burdens today. Each one of us will no doubt have a different list.
It’s what we do with the list is what counts. Do we trust God to help us? Do we wait long enough for the answers? For relief? Psalm 91:14 says, “Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him, I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him.”
Perhaps we do call upon God with faith and assurance that He hears us. We must believe that He is our source of strength, peace, joy and power. When we offer worship and praise to God, and become His child He gives us His peace! Psalm 85:8 says: “I will listen to God the Lord. He has ordered peace for those who worship Him!”
Psalm 91:15, 16 says, “I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
Wow! All that and peace too! God satisfies the faithful servants. If we are not satisfied then there may be some wrestling or anguish going on within. We must remain firm in our faith…in who we believe. God is always near to us. Let’s trust God more and more as our burdens grow deeper. Proverbs 30:5 says, “Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield who take refuge in Him.”
In other words, what He says He will do. He will satisfy, He will provide peace, and He will protect us. He does care about our needs, and He is more than able to give us relief from those burdens that weigh us down. We need to learn to trust God and allow Him to untangle the anguish. We need to lay it all at His feet, and leave it there!
Copyright, Jan Keats
Perhaps we don’t see God’s hand in the storms of life. It may not be recognized until after we go through the trials and the way becomes clear again. Then we acknowledge His presence, “Now I realize that God was with me all along!”
So then we can say with assurance that amidst life’s trials is a God who cares and understands for each one of us. His love is amazing. Each one of us can perhaps give God a list of burdens today. Each one of us will no doubt have a different list.
It’s what we do with the list is what counts. Do we trust God to help us? Do we wait long enough for the answers? For relief? Psalm 91:14 says, “Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him, I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him.”
Perhaps we do call upon God with faith and assurance that He hears us. We must believe that He is our source of strength, peace, joy and power. When we offer worship and praise to God, and become His child He gives us His peace! Psalm 85:8 says: “I will listen to God the Lord. He has ordered peace for those who worship Him!”
Psalm 91:15, 16 says, “I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
Wow! All that and peace too! God satisfies the faithful servants. If we are not satisfied then there may be some wrestling or anguish going on within. We must remain firm in our faith…in who we believe. God is always near to us. Let’s trust God more and more as our burdens grow deeper. Proverbs 30:5 says, “Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield who take refuge in Him.”
In other words, what He says He will do. He will satisfy, He will provide peace, and He will protect us. He does care about our needs, and He is more than able to give us relief from those burdens that weigh us down. We need to learn to trust God and allow Him to untangle the anguish. We need to lay it all at His feet, and leave it there!
Copyright, Jan Keats
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