The walls you're rebuilding are never out of my sight.
Isaiah 49:16 The Message
Like silent sentinels on Easter Island the two snowmen I'd made earlier stared at me with vacant eyes, as white flakes drifted down blurring the edges of frozen lake and once vibrant life. With wood fire blazing and hot tea in my mug; this felt like an awake dream. In early January I was privileged to have three days of an unplanned writing retreat in a woodsy cabin as white manna fell from the sky. My only tasks of the day were to keep the fire burning, to ponder and to write.
Four things that came out of my time ...
One—First and foremost was Prayer. My life is so much more than my writing, I will impact the world more by prayer than by penning words. The thought returned to begin a second prayer journal (I had lost/misplaced mine in my last move). Every time I visit my missionary daughter and her family in N Africa, the need to pray hits me hard. This last November was no exception. Even as I hunkered down in solitude at the cabin, I received urgent prayer requests from her.
The first one came via text on behalf of Kalthar, my daughter's house help, a woman I have hugged many times and had coffee with. Her twenty-year-old son was missing, now for 48 hours—it was believed he planned to board a small boat to attempt a sea crossing to Europe. (These are the boats we see on the news with illegal immigrants, many capsize) Kalthar, had turned to my daughter in desperate need. It surprises them that Kristen's mother (and others) actually pray for them.
Two—Spend time in the word. There is no substitute for this. My life is to be filled, so that it may be spilled.
Three—Live in gratitude ... Be grateful, express it frequently to God and others.
After I have done the above ...
Four—Then and only then focus on writing. During this time at the cabin, it felt as though the creativity and motivation merged seamlessly into action and words. This is the sweet space I want to be in for writing to flow ... Thank you God, I said.
Quickly those voices, that we all hear and many have written about this month, started to speak in my head. Yes, every year you get fired up, and doesn't look like it's gotten too far yet has it?? Those taunting voices. Those shaming voices, urging me not to try again ... Why bother? The fervour will soon wear off-just as it always does. Someone else can say it better. And I know that I must talk back to those voices, I tell them that I will continue to speak myself into the direction I want to go; if I do not, I will not move in that direction.
There was a time in nursing I had to complete annual self-evaluations, and produce “measurable” goals ... that way you could know if you were achieving or failing. You see prayer and time in the word are “goal” things we should all do writing or not, and we know it. They are also goals that are not necessarily measurable.
Prayer goals are less measurable by secular standards, but immeasurable in our lives.
My own prayer/conversation, in the style of St Francis of Assisi, that God and I had over this year:
Lord, when there is Peace, let me rest in you
When there is strife, let me be a peacemaker
Where there is discouragement let me offer your hope
When I am uncertain, remind me of your truth
Remind me of the many answered prayers in my life
When I write, help me be faithful in my task
Let me overcome that laziness that dogs me
Teach me to differentiate being still from being lazy
Let me be still and know that you are God,
Lord, what do you want for me this year?
I've been rebuilding life for over a dozen years, and I'm grateful that the walls have never been out of God's sight. He continues to shape them.
Just a note on answered prayer, my first fervent prayer in my journal was answered before it was recorded. Kalthar's son was found with other young men at seaside, and turned back ... bad weather had prevented an attempted crossing earlier. For now, he was safe.
