Trusting God as a Parent of Children with Special Needs - Ruth L. Snyder

Whether you are a mother at heart and/or a mother of children, Happy Mother's Day! 

When my husband and I decided to adopt, we didn't know how many questions we would have to answer. Questions about our growing up years, questions about our marriage, questions about what kind of child we were looking to adopt. One question we were asked is "What special needs are you willing to accept in a child?" We knew we were ill-equipped to answer this question. However, as we thought and prayed about it, we agreed that with God's help we should be willing to accept any special needs. This was the first major nudge out of our comfort zone.

One advantage adoptive parents have is knowing up front what some of the special needs of a child are, and having time to prepare. When we were matched with our twin boys, we were told they were born prematurely, they had developmental delays, they both had glasses, and one of them had a severe hearing loss. We were able to gather some information, meet with some of the specialists, and discuss education options with our local school, before the twins were placed with us.

However, adoptive parents only have access to as much information as the birth parents are willing to share. We have been asked several times whether our children were exposed to alcohol or drugs in utero. This information is required for a diagnosis of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. We will probably never know the answer to that question. Sometimes, without a diagnosis, funding and services are not available.

When we adopted, there were a lot of things we didn't know:

We didn't know the special joys associated with parenting a child with special needs. It's difficult to put into words how rewarding it is to parent these children. Some people look at all the work involved and ask how we can do it. We look at the rewards and ask, "How can we not do it?" Seeing the progress of our children, watching them interact with others, and seeing how they teach others empathy is amazing. They have taught us how to love and how to trust God in ways we may never have learned any other way. Although adopting and parenting special needs children has been (and continues to be) the most challenging thing we've ever done, we would do it all over again.

We didn't know what RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) is like, or how to parent someone with RAD. It may have been easier if we had seen this video.

 

We didn't know how difficult it would be to advocate for inclusive education for our children. My children made me into the strong advocate I am today. I naively believed that all people do their best to meet the needs of ALL children. Unfortunately this is not true. However, in the process of advocating, I have met wonderful people who go over and beyond the call of duty in meeting the needs of children and families. I gladly share the resources I have discovered with other families. In fact, one of the reasons I served as a school board trustee with Northern Lights Public Schools was so that I could help other families. That experience gave me insight into the education system, how it works, and how to be an advocate on the political level.

Just like parenting doesn't end when children become adults, advocacy doesn't end at age eighteen either. This past year we have had the opportunity to connect with Inclusion Alberta and learn more about the benefits of inclusion. We have been armed with information. For instance, did you know that research has shown that when children with special needs (even severe cognitive disabilities) are educated in an inclusive environment, 80% of them find a job? However, when children with special needs are segregated into specialized programs, only 20% find a job after high school. Research also dispels the myth that "regular" students suffer when special needs students are included in general classrooms. In fact, all students benefit both academically and socially. 

Each day is a new adventure with our children. Some days bring laughter. Other days bring tears and prayer for wisdom. Through it all, God is teaching us all many important lessons.

What about you? What is God asking you to do? Sometimes obeying feels like jumping off a cliff. However, God is always there and when we are willing to move out of our comfort zone in obedience to God, the results are amazing.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

Ruth L. Snyder lives with her husband, Kendall, and their five children in northeastern Alberta. She currently edits a newsletter for foster, adoptive, and kinship families in northeastern Alberta. Ruth enjoys writing, publishing, and marketing. She offers coaching for other writers and helps other writers publish their material. Ruth also serves as the President of InScribe Christian Writers' Fellowship.

Our Family Legacy Story - Ruth L. Snyder

In 1998, we heard about nineteen-year-old Mary, a single parent who was unsure of her ability to provide for her baby. Five months later, after figuring there was no possibility of adopting that particular baby, we sat down to fill out an adoption application with a private agency.  That night we received a phone call asking if we were still interested in adopting Mary's baby.  Four frantic days later, we brought our eldest daughter home.

Four years later, twin boys were placed with us by Child & Family Services.  (The boys were born at 27 weeks gestation, weighing less than two pounds each.  The fact they survived is a miracle.) Our 18-month-old twins introduced us to a completely new world – special needs. Only those who walk in these shoes know the special joys, challenges, and gifts these children provide.  The first thing we noticed about our boys was their silence – no babbling, no chatter.  We were told they had “global developmental delays.”  After six months of scooping with a spoon, our hand over his - every day, several times a day - we celebrated while Luke actually fed himself.  At twenty-seven months, we cheered while Levi took his first wobbly step.  A few months later, he was able to climb up on a chair by himself and stand. We clapped, momentarily forgetting that Levi’s balance still needed help.  He stood for mere seconds, grinning from ear to ear, before taking a terrible tumble to the floor.  He landed on his head with glasses protruding at an odd angle, and blood gushing. We cringed as the doctor interrogated us. We learned to sign, using Signing Exact English, so the twins had a means of communicating with us.  Progress was excruciatingly slow.  Our boys, at age four, finally voiced the words, “Mom” and “Dad” for the first time.  The pediatrician who first saw our twins said they would never walk, talk, or feed themselves.  We are thankful God had other plans for them!

Two years later, Jayson joined our family.  Although Jayson is a full sibling to Luke and Levi, he had fewer obvious challenges.  However, parenting skills that worked with our other children were not nearly as effective with Jayson. We learned to be very creative in dealing with challenging behaviors.

Several years later, we received another phone call informing us we had been matched with twins (a three-year-old boy and girl). However, the adoption fell through before we even met the children, due to circumstances beyond our control. 

Life settled into a comfortable routine.  It seemed our family was complete. I decided to take on a part-time position with our local school board.  A month later, we were informed our boys had a new baby sister and were asked to consider adopting her. Our file was still open from the “match” that fell through, making it possible for us to become foster parents in a matter of days.  We drove to the hospital to meet our new little daughter.  Although we had four children, we had never cared for a newborn before, let alone one who had heart problems.  The hospital staff patiently showed us what we needed to know to care for her. A year later she was taken off her heart medication because there was no trace of any heart problems.

The next summer my husband and four older children were anticipating a carefree afternoon ride on horses in the backwoods at camp when a tanker truck zoomed over a double yellow line and rammed into the van in which they were riding. The van rolled and came to a screeching halt in the ditch. (My husband describes seeing bodies flop around like clothes in a washing machine. One of the ambulance attendants asked our daughter how many people died in the accident.) We're thankful the van took a left turn, avoiding most of the impact, thankful a young fellow passenger scooted from the corner that was hit to the middle seat because the seat belt wouldn't hook, and thankful the worst injury was a broken leg (to the fellow passenger). I'll never forget my family stumbling through the doorway of the cabin, dusty, bloody, and tearful, but alive.

Seven months later I received a phone call informing me my husband was in emergency at the local hospital. He had taken a snowmobile he fixed, out for a test drive and the next thing he knew he was lying on the snow several meters away from the crumpled snowmobile. Somehow he was able to start the machine and drive it back to the shop where he worked. (That was the last time the snowmobile started.) His coworker rushed him to the hospital where he was put in a neck brace and immobilized. Although he wasn't wearing a helmet, he walked away with minor injuries and a few major bruises.

As you can see, we have many things for which to praise the Lord. Will you join us in praising Him for His goodness and His wonderful works in our family?

 
Ruth L. Snyder and her husband, Kendall, have five children ages six to seventeen. Besides looking after her family, Ruth enjoys teaching Music for Young Children and writing. She currently serves as the editor for In the Loop, a quarterly newsletter for foster, adoptive, and kinship families in northeastern Alberta, Canada. Connect with Ruth at http://ruthlsnyder.com.