I memorized
Psalm 23 at a very young age. I don’t remember the reason—perhaps I just loved
its message and the sound of the words. Whenever my life seemed to be falling apart,
it would resurface in my thoughts. I’d find myself reciting it over and over
again to myself. It always had a calming effect on my soul.
After being
diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, I was scared.
But I didn’t have a lot of time to spend processing this new twist of fate. This
life-threatening crisis meant that I immediately began a hectic round of
medical appointments, examinations, and tests. Shortly afterwards, I took my
first tentative steps into uncharted territory—a full year of cancer
treatments. This first phase of my cancer journey passed by in a blur of fear
and anxiety.
Once I got
over the initial shock of my diagnosis, I began to rail against God. Why me, God? I lashed out as my heart
filled with fear. How could you let this
happen, Lord? Why have You abandoned me when I need You most? I simply
couldn’t understand why God had seemingly deserted me in my time of crisis.
Faith and hope can be difficult to hang onto when you’re faced with cancer.
All too
often, clouds of helplessness and hopelessness rolled in, darkening my
horizons. They cast their dull gray shadow of uncertainty over my future. I
craved that feeling of “normalcy” that had all but vanished. Was this now my
“new normal”—living in fear of death? I yearned for the return of some warm
rays of sunshine. In those dark moments of desperation, Psalm 23 ran its
continuous loop, playing over and over again in my mind—offering me one small
ray of hope to cling to.
Having come
face to face with the reality and inevitability of my own mortality, I sought comfort
in prayer and encouraging Bible verses, such as John 11:25-26 (NIV): “I am the
resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though
they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”
Although my cancer
left me with a heightened degree of uncertainty about my future, I soon realized
that no one is guaranteed a long life. I came to view my cancer as somewhat of
a blessing in disguise because it offered me an opportunity to renew my life. In his book, At the Will of the Body, cancer
survivor and author Arthur Frank said: “Death is no enemy of life; it restores our sense of the
value of living. Illness restores the sense of proportion that is lost when we
take life for granted.”¹
The truth is
that you never completely recover from cancer. It’s a chronic disease that
merely goes into remission. Fear of this disease still lurks in the back of my
mind like a dangerous predator, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Any
little ache or pain regurgitates my worry about a cancer recurrence. In order
to regain some sense of control over my life, I needed to come to terms with
this fear.
I’ve learned to
take fear very seriously because of its power to confound my faith. I’ve come
to rely on God’s presence and His promises. He offers me the encouragement I
need to hang on to hope when faced with life’s challenges. By learning to live
in faith rather than fear, I’ve been able to regain my strength, recover my
confidence, and recapture my contentment with life.
¹Frank, A. W. (1995). At the Will
of the Body: Reflections on Illness. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
p. 120
Photos: 1) Psalm
23 – The Sunday at Home: A Family Magazine for Sabbath Reading, 1880, Public
Domain, Wikimedia Commons; 2) Sun Rays – CC Pixabay; 3) Hope – CC Pixabay
