Writing prompt: Share a story of when you found it difficult to give thanks in your writing life. What did God teach you through that experience?
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV)
Our prompt for October caused a phantom memory from the last decade of the 1990s to revisit my mind. This post strays a bit from our prompt. The following words are about when I believed God was distant and the church I was part of didn’t care. This was a painful time of searching, of questioning and evaluating the meaning of my life. It was a time of feeling lost and not knowing where God was. My life, my world, my soul was falling apart. This time in my life also set a direction for my writing!
Entrance into the Tunnel
In this period of my life, I was working full-time to support my family. I was a co-pastor of a church that held to a firm stand on doctrine and theology. I was also studying for a Master’s degree by taking a course or two each year at seminary. There had to be more to life than all this busyness and church performance. God was not very clear in this picture. Life was imbalanced, and something had to give.
I found myself in a depression, or what I call the Tunnel! I discovered that depression was not what many Christians wanted to hear about. In my experience, they would do all they could to avoid hearing of me being in a Tunnel. Depression meant you were weak, or had wandered from God, or were out of His will! Life appeared to be populated with more judges than healers. This was a tough experience for a pastor who had to face a congregation every Sunday. My conclusion? You are on your own, dear brother!
Escape from the Tunnel
My wife, Terry, thank God, was my confidante throughout my Tunnel experience. She let me know I still had someone in my life who cared. She listened without trying to fix or ignore me. Her support was the motivation for me to ease myself out of the Tunnel and for me to write about my experience. My wife’s support and writing saved me from depression’s iron grip!
Writing was also where God spoke to me, and I could then speak of God. Sometimes, I sensed He was in the shadows of the Tunnel. He was near and had never left me, and I learned He understood depression. God was not afraid to embrace me in the Tunnel! He heard the prayers of my stammering soul.
In much of my writing, God may not be apparent to readers. God may not be apparent in depression either, but He is there! After being in darkness, light shines even brighter! This helps me to focus on what other people might experience in their lives and give them hope.
Thank God for the Tunnel! There in the dark and fog, survival in the Tunnel became possible for me when I evaluated the meaning of my life. Thanks be to God for my life, as simple as it is! I am grateful for my wife and family, for there I know those who truly love me. I am grateful for faith in God despite the human imperfections of His Church.
For readers who may relate to the Tunnel, I trust you can also relate to God because the Tunnel need not win. Even in the threat of soul-crushing depression that assaulted me, I knew God had not left me. This is the reality of my deep thanks to Him!
Here are a few humble lessons I gleaned from my time in the Tunnel to share with you.
1. Practice stillness. There is no need to rush through every day.
2. Listen to stories people may speak from their darkness. The darkness can be crippling. They may need help to find God’s light.
3. Be gentle with those in the darkness. Listen to their words even if they stumble. This may open them to hearing your quiet words.
4. We listen to show we care. Our words don’t have to be loud to make a difference.
5. My depression had a purpose. God did not leave me.
