A Letter to My Future Self by Gloria Guest

The first questions I have when I think of you: Who are you now? How old you are? How are you feeling? Are you happy?

Happiness is elusive though and your present and past selves have certainly learned that. It comes and goes based on life circumstances, unlike joy that remains deep inside in spite of them. My present and past selves are no expert on joy either though…I’ve had it at times…but I’ve struggled so much to hold onto it.

But let’s stick with you…my future self. You too seem elusive. Why then do I choose to write to you? Maybe because I’ve written a lot about my younger self and some about my present, but never about you, my future. Setting goals has never been my strong suit but if I’m to connect with you, from the place I sit in the present, I sort of need to set some. How else can I even begin to imagine who you might be? Or help you be who you want to be? Sandi Somers's post, writing about how she wrote to her future self, and asking herself some key questions, was a big help to me. I’ve attempted to answer those questions myself. Thanks Sandi.

‘What would I attempt if I were sure the Lord were with me infusing me with wisdom, love courage and strength?’ Big question. Short answer is that I would attempt to finish that memoir that has been hanging around in my life since around 2005.

‘What obstacles seem to be standing in my way?’ Well that’s easy. It’s me. My fear specifically. And the specific things I need for God to give me beyond the courage and wisdom that Sandi mentions to help me, is less of me and more of Him.

The steps I need to take? Oh right. There are steps. This is where I stumble. I look too far ahead. Fear of what others will ‘think’ of me. Fear of how family will respond. Fear is likely my first big step I have stumbled on over and over again. My memoir is a complicated story of family dysfunction and abuse, festering wounds that led to my mother’s early death and a sister's suicide; a lifelong difficult journey of healing for myself. It’s not comfortable but still a story I think needs telling. Some voices do not quiet down until they are told. I had no voice as a child and my sister didn’t either.

Here in my memoir I attempt to blend her voice with mine and God's redeeming love with the painful fact that some things aren’t fixed this side of heaven. Back to the steps though…

-One day at a time….I can write for ‘now’ without thinking about the ‘future’. Someday perhaps the now will meet up the future when I ever get it published. Focus on the now.

-Schedule a writing time for just ‘memoir’ writing preferably once a week. If I can’t write on my memoir I can journal.

-Journal every day. That is where the best ‘stuff’ of memoir comes from; free flowing thought even if it’s from other places and happenings.

-Prayer. This memoir will never happen without prayer, and I have lacked in that department. Perhaps I think that if I don’t pray, I won’t have to do it. But God’s promptings to write are steadfast. I need to pray. And perhaps have others pray with me. Spiritual warfare as our family has found out in the last couple of years is very real.

‘How is the Lord prompting me now to step out in risk?’ This very letter has been the prompt I needed. In the past few years I’ve slipped back into depression and have allowed a lot of my motivation to slide downhill. I’ve read and learned much about depression in my past and understand just how complicated it is, with no easy answers. Yet sometimes I read something that connects with where ‘I’ am at and believe to be true about ‘me’. One thing I read was when we aren’t living true to our self and aligning with the purposes that God has placed on our hearts, depression often then comes in the door. That rings true for me in this time and in this place….

So dear future self; as you’ve stepped forward into the purpose that you believed God has set before you, you were not alone. Every battle you have fought in your past has produced a strength and resilience in you that drew on to write what you were called to. In my present I smile to think of you lowering your pen deep into the ink well of God’s grace and mercy; laying by the green pastures and still waters He has prepared for you as you write the tough stuff that has forged you into who you are. You lean heavily on your Shepherd who you understand now has many times left the one hundred to find you; clinging to the side of a cliff or deep in a hole; but He’s always found you and brought you back. I believe you understand more than you do now how He loves you with a Father’s love. You are His and He alone carries you now, your present, and your past yet.

“His mercies are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:23)

Gloria writes from a small prairie town in southern Saskatchewan; coming full circle back to her husband's home town where they farmed for many years. She refers to herself as a bit of gypsy due to her many moves to various towns, cities, and provinces throughout her life town and draws from those varied places and experiences heavily in not only her memoir writing but other genres too. She loves the prairie crocus and sunsets and sunrises, the grandeur of the northern Alberta forest, the charm and quaintness and beautiful rivers of her southern Ontario roots.