A Season of Mourning by Nina Faye Morey

 

The word I chose for this year was preparation. The title of my January post was “A Season of Preparation.” I talked about how winter is a season of preparation that helps us grow stronger to withstand the upcoming storms. The impending storm I saw on the horizon then did not pass me by as I’d hoped. Unfortunately, it washed away all those familiar roads in my life, leaving me to tread a lonely and solitary path through the wilderness.

Some seasons are too short, while others seem to cling to life forever. Sadly, my season of preparation was briefer than I’d expected or needed. Although I knew my husband’s cancer was terminal, his remaining time was cut way too short. When I sent him off in the ambulance the night he passed, I thought he’d be admitted to the hospital, hopefully, the Palliative Care Unit. When the ER nurse phoned me in the wee hours to tell me he wasn’t going to make it until morning, I had to ask her to repeat what she’d said. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Unfortunately, he was already unconscious by the time I got there, so I never said my goodbyes as I’d planned.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

Relieve the troubles of my heart

And free me from my anguish.

~ Psalm 25: 16-17 (NIV)

 

Since then, I’ve relied on the Lord to give me the strength I need to cope with the grief, fear, sadness, and loneliness that accompanies this new season of mourning. I continue to pray and take comfort from the knowledge that He’s always with me to bear me up no matter what troubles I’m experiencing.

Grief comes in and out like waves from the ocean. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you.

~ Alan Wolfelt, Understanding Your Grief

There are good days and bad days. Some days, I feel pretty good. Other days the tears come in waves, triggered by seeing or hearing something that reminds me of my husband or a special day we’d normally celebrate together. You can’t stop these waves of grief any more than you can stop the storm waves rolling in from the ocean. I doubt anyone can ever be truly over their grief. It will always remain with you, but somehow you gradually learn to make peace with it and go on living.

 

In grief, nothing “stays put.” One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I’m on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

Psychologists talk about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But not everyone goes through all of these stages in sequential order or even experiences them all. The grief process doesn’t proceed in sequential stages; it’s a wild, up and down roller coaster ride. There are days I feel I’m functioning normally. Then there are days I’m totally absent minded and forgetful, I have trouble concentrating, or I do or say something that’s stupid or crazy. Those days make me think that I’m losing my mind. (Especially scary, since my father and other members of his family suffered from Alzheimer’s disease.)

 

When we lose someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyze us emotionally. …When they die a part of us dies too.

~ Henry Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

 

After the loss of my husband, all my preparations and plans for 2020 never had a chance to even bud, let alone bear fruit. I’d planned to spend more time on my writing, but I lost all motivation to write. Even now, it remains elusive. But, I’ve forced myself to at least pick up the pen to write these posts in order to restore some semblance of normalcy to my life. I also know that creative activities are positive ways to cope with negative feelings and emotions.

The main thing I’ve learned is that you’re never prepared for the death of a loved one, or the loss and grief that follows once the initial shock has passed. Death does not “go according to plan.” My husband died during the wee hours of the same morning Palliative Home Care had arranged to deliver a lift chair and install poles to help stabilize him so that he could get up out of the chair, bed, and shower. Although we’d made our funeral arrangements several years in advance, there was still the actual funeral service to prepare. During his illness, we’d discussed my handling of the finances and many of the normal affairs of living. I’d taken over driving and some of the practical day-to-day chores. But I wasn’t prepared when it came to doing all of the things my husband normally took care of, such as snow shovelling, minor household repairs, or vehicle maintenance.

“Though the mountains be shaken

And the hills be removed,

Yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

Nor my covenant of peace be removed,”

Says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

~Isaiah 54:10

Those are just some of the practical preparations, but there’s also many on the spiritual side. It’s normal to be sad, anxious, afraid, and lonely when your spouse dies. It’s one of the most difficult passages in life. But I continue to pray, read scripture and spiritual texts, and keep my thoughts on my Lord and Saviour. I’m looking forward to being with both Jesus and my husband in heaven one day. That helps to give me some sense of peace, hope, and comfort throughout this very difficult passage in my life.