Human by Susan Barclay

Censorship is a very important topic among librarians and the organizations that exist to educate and support them. It's an important subject in the day and age in which we live, a time when people are killed for exercising the freedom of expression (Charlie Hebdo, anyone?). 

The reality is, though, that everyone censors to one degree or another. We all decide what we're going to share and how much we're going to bare. It's called self-censoring. Even the most enlightened librarian in a position of acquiring new library materials will practice some form of bias. Certain items will get ordered, others not. Of course there is a limitation of funds, but still. And writers also self-censor. We pick and choose which personal thoughts, feelings and experiences we write about. We tell some things and not others. Whether this is to protect ourselves or our readers depends on what we are writing about and who we think our readers are.

We all have a tendency to put our best foot forward. We want others to view us favourably, to think well of us. So we write ourselves the way we want to be seen, and rationalize our thoughts, actions and decisions to create the most positive spin. Don't you agree?

Having said all of this, what type of person do we most admire or want to befriend? I think it's the person who is authentic and transparent, the one who is willing to be real. This doesn't mean she has to share her story on national television or draw worldwide attention to herself. It means she has to be willing to self-reveal in private conversations with people she cares about or is interested in, who will hopefully treat her authenticity with the respect it is due.

What does this mean for writers? Should we withhold the "breathings" of our heart and share them only with certain people in oral settings? Should we fill our pages with these breathings and send them into the world where anyone may regard them and treat them how they wish? Self-censor and rationalize or be authentic and transparent? 

Quite honestly, I find it hard to say. I think it depends on the person and the story she has to share. I think it depends on how willing she is to accept any response and on how valuable her thoughts/feelings/experiences/knowledge may be to someone else who may be thinking/feeling/experiencing the same thing or its polar opposite. 

I have shared personal stories online and in print. I have revealed parts of my self. I have tried to be authentic and transparent. I've no doubt also omitted details that may be too personal or that would have painted me in a less than rosy hue. What can I say?

I am human.
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For more of my writing, please visit www.susan-barclay.ca 

Great on Paper by Susan Barclay

My love of words and stories began early. My grandparents first took me to the library when I was three and I was introduced to books and story times. From then on, you couldn't keep me away from libraries and books. I was at almost every library program offered, and devoured books voraciously.

Some of my first memories are of me sitting on our family's front porch and making up songs. I wrote quite a bit of bad poetry, but I'm still not sorry my mother kept it for me in binders that I can go back and re-read today. It makes me smile to see those budding efforts and to know how far I've come.

Not so great on paper (sample from grade 3)

In school, English and creative writing were my favourite subjects, and I excelled in them. My grade two teacher can still quote the closing line to a story I wrote for her class (okay, it must have been better than the grade 3 sample above). In upper elementary years I remember writing about subjects like Hernan Cortez for Social Studies and the colourful mandrill for Science. Later I fell in love with the pun and titled one junior high story Steph's Sweet, Swede Dreams (a play on 'sweet, sweet dreams' in case you don't get it). The plot was of a romantic nature and my protagonist in love with a Swede.

In high school I had an amazing English teacher, Mrs. Perle Michna. You either loved or hated her (she could be strict), and I adored her. Her passion for literature only served to heighten the flames of my own, although I was a bit jealous that she called my best friend her 'Miranda' (a character from Shakespeare's The Tempest) when that wasn't even her name! I aspired to be like Mrs. Michna so much that when it came time to choose my college affiliation at the University of Toronto, I chose Victoria, her alma mater. Imagine my dismay when she told me I was mistaken; her alma mater had been University College!

I enjoyed my years at U of T and Vic nonetheless. I had the good fortune to take a Shakespeare course with the illustrious Northrop Frye, although I confess I don't remember a single word he said (I do still have my notes!). I only remember feeling extremely self-conscious riding the elevator with him one day. Word had it that he had no patience for small talk. I don't know if that was true or not, but I certainly was too intimidated to initiate a more meaningful conversation with the great man.

After completing my undergraduate degree, I went on to get my Master of Library and Information Science. From there I began a career in public libraries. A parallel life to the one I wanted as a writer. I don't recall writing for pleasure or publication for the first six years of my career. Monthly reports explaining how I'd spent my work time and Youth Advisory Group newsletters were about as creative as I got.

Okay, that's a lie, albeit unintentional. I just remembered that I also dated during those years and there were some poems, letters and cards of a romantic nature. You'd call those writing for pleasure, no? Some pieces I still have access to; others were probably disposed of by the receiver when the relationship ended badly. Ah well, what's a writer to do but learn to back up her back-up?

When I had children it seemed that the desire to write returned, along with ideas. I started with picture book texts and 'graduated' to short stories and personal essays for adults, as well as an adult novel.

I'm currently pressing forward with revisions to the novel and it's going well. Apart from a period of a few years where I was 'blocked' from completing it, I can't say I've had a hate relationship with words. When the novel writing wasn't working, I still was, just on other things.

Sorry - a bit misleading there on the relationship with words. I have a pretty great relationship with words in my head and words on paper. What's more challenging is getting the right words out of my mouth. I'm definitely not one for off-the-cuff presentations and sometimes my attempts to communicate with others in person - especially when it comes to conflict or problem-solving - don't go too well. I'm misunderstood or don't quite say things the way I intend. And me with a background in English and Psychology. It can be exasperating to say the least!

Does anyone else here struggle with this issue? Great on paper, less great in 'real' life? Please share and end the feeling of aloneness :)

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For more of my writing, please visit www.susan-barclay.ca