Into the Light of Day - Lynda Schultz

We had a team meeting last Saturday, prompted by the visit of a colleague from Colombia. There are plans being born for a cooperative effort between our Latin American fields and he asked me what I felt I could contribute.

The question should not have been threatening to me. When I submitted my job description and goals to the mission a few years ago, I focussed on my desire to write, to develop resources for the Latin American market. Consequently, I had a clear and carefully formulated answer to give, but the words stuck in my throat. My voice cracked, and I had a hard time controlling the tears that threatened to fall. It wasn't joy or passion that overcame me, it was fear. I was disturbed by my reaction so I sat down later to try to figure out why I couldn't talk about my vision for ministry.

An anonymous piece of advice tacked to my bulletin board says: "The most unfortunate thing that happens to a person who fears failure is that he limits himself by becoming afraid to try anything new." I realized that I was among the "unfortunate."

I was afraid that the people I respect would pity me, laugh at me, or reject me for my presumption. I was afraid that I would fail, that my dreams should have been left where they started—under the bedcovers of darkness. I feared my disappointment if I spent weeks, perhaps months, working on a project only to find that it was worthless.

Was this sense of already being a failure why I used the constant spate of company coming through my home as an excuse for not being able to maintain momentum with my projects? Have I always been looking for something or someone to blame for not completing things? Has all this procrastination simply been my way of avoiding being rejected because I'm not good enough, or as good as someone else?

My complaint about the constant interruptions, about the need for blocks of time to write, didn't hold up. When I had the blocks of time, I often found other things to do that would keep me away from my desk, my laptop, my writing projects. If I didn't do them, and could blame someone else for my not completing them, I could maintain the illusion that I really was a good writer—or could be if given the chance. Finding excuses for not beginning or finishing, helped me avoid the failure that I was sure was to come, and the threat that this failure was to my sense of self, significance, and security.

It's not that I have been idle. I have piles of materials that I have written and taught over the years. However, with the vision of turning these into something that is marketable, of exposing my work to public scrutiny, I was overcome with fear. I doubted myself.

In doubting myself, I doubted God. At the beginning of this year the Lord gave me a verse that I supposedly claimed. It comes from Luke 1:45 and says: "Blessed is she who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Obviously I am having trouble claiming this promise. I struggle with believing that God is bigger than my deficiencies. In spite of the encouragement that God has sent along the way, I am still wondering if there is room for this "wannabe" among so many better writers, and if I have a contribution to make.

I have crippled myself, but I am tired of making excuses, of procrastinating because I am afraid. I am tired of being a failure because I haven't given myself the change to succeed. I am tired of living by someone else's definition of success rather than being guided by God's definition of it.

I am writing this in past tense as though it were not a recent experience. Somehow identifying the enemy has loosened his grip and pushed him into the past. However, the battle is probably not over and there will arise both old and new opponents. At least I now recognize the problem. That alone has given me more freedom and courage to expose the dreams that I have had in the dark to the light of a new day.

God Understands Our Needs - Jan Keats

It may be difficult to release all the burdens that weigh heavily upon us. We know where to turn in times of distress and we know we can trust God but sometimes life can be very upsetting and still bring unbearable circumstances.

Perhaps we don’t see God’s hand in the storms of life. It may not be recognized until after we go through the trials and the way becomes clear again. Then we acknowledge His presence, “Now I realize that God was with me all along!”

So then we can say with assurance that amidst life’s trials is a God who cares and understands for each one of us. His love is amazing. Each one of us can perhaps give God a list of burdens today. Each one of us will no doubt have a different list.

It’s what we do with the list is what counts. Do we trust God to help us? Do we wait long enough for the answers? For relief? Psalm 91:14 says, “Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him, I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him.”

Perhaps we do call upon God with faith and assurance that He hears us. We must believe that He is our source of strength, peace, joy and power. When we offer worship and praise to God, and become His child He gives us His peace! Psalm 85:8 says: “I will listen to God the Lord. He has ordered peace for those who worship Him!”
Psalm 91:15, 16 says, “I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Wow! All that and peace too! God satisfies the faithful servants. If we are not satisfied then there may be some wrestling or anguish going on within. We must remain firm in our faith…in who we believe. God is always near to us. Let’s trust God more and more as our burdens grow deeper. Proverbs 30:5 says, “Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield who take refuge in Him.”

In other words, what He says He will do. He will satisfy, He will provide peace, and He will protect us. He does care about our needs, and He is more than able to give us relief from those burdens that weigh us down. We need to learn to trust God and allow Him to untangle the anguish. We need to lay it all at His feet, and leave it there!

Copyright, Jan Keats

Experiencing God - Glynis

The past four months have been a mixture of flurry and frustration, questions and prayers and absolute confirmation that God is on the throne.

Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt I sometimes needed to prove the presence of the Lord in my life. Or I would think that I had to justify my beliefs to certain people. Then God allowed me to walk through the valley. It was like a big old tarpaulin had been removed from my life.

Initially I was shocked and saddened about what was happening to me. Then after some eye-opening experiences, I realized God was doing a great work. I suddenly understood that justification and providing evidence were not the answers. Living a life in obedience to God was.

There was a call on my answering machine from Sue when we returned from the oncologist. It was on the day I received the definitive diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It was on the day I was informed I would require chemotherapy.

I had not seen Sue in over three years.
“Why did God wake me up at three o’clock this morning and tell me I had to pray for you and to come and do your flower beds?” her voice echoed over the machine.
I replayed the message to make sure I had heard correctly. I had. My mouth dropped. It was late so I had to wait until morning to pick up the telephone and call my long-lost friend.

We went through the social graces and both apologized for not being in touch sooner.
“Did you hear about me?” I eventually asked.

“What about you?” Sue said.

I proceeded to tell her about my cancer. The silence was deafening. Sue had not heard a thing about my recent news. She knew nothing of my cancer. She only knew that God had woken her up at three o’clock in the morning and told her to pray for me.

Sue rejoiced alongside me as we discussed the marvelous, timely way God works. When Sue informed me about her struggle with cancer years ago it was my turn to be silent. Not only had God rallied Sue to pray on my behalf, but He had chosen someone who had walked through the valley, too. I was even more encouraged.

It was wonderful hooking up with Sue again, but what was more wonderful was realizing how desperately I needed prayer and how much I desperately needed God. He showed himself mightily in that moment with Sue and continues to do that in many ways. I am learning to be still. I am learning to listen. Sometimes I still have selective hearing but I am trying my best to walk in a way that is pleasing to Him.

I might have lost my hair due to chemotherapy, but I have not lost my faith and trust in God. I am thankful for all the ‘Sue incidences’ that serve as confirmation that He really does reign.

God has allowed this to happen to me so that He can do something through me. I have had to give up my students for now, which was tough. But God has opened up a few doors for my writing. I have a niggly feeling that God is telling me something again.

Accolade and Inspiration - Bonnie Way

The flashing curosr blinks upon the screen, and my hands sit poised as my mind searches for topics, ideas, words. Just write, I tell myself, but nothing comes. I try to remember that time when I wrote for myself, for the simple joy of stringing words together, no matter who saw them. How long ago was that?

Before the pull of publication reached me, the heady thought of seeing my name in print. I read no longer for info or joy, but with the question, “Could I write this?” Those who read this writer’s words—would they read mine? And so I sit before my computer, an editor in mind, and try to picture what he would like. Yet each attempt fails to measure up to that imaginary editor’s approval, and when my attempts did pass the imaginary editor’s approval, they failed to meet the real editor’s approval.

Before the beginning of blogs, when each word I wrote could be put before readers for comment. Yet those comments failed to come. Was no one reading? A site meter revealed how many read, but failed to reveal what they thought of it. Was I boring, stupid, silly? I read other blogs, trying to find how they attracted readers who commented. And again and again I tried to write, only to wonder—will they like it?

I doubt I am the only writer who inspiration has been killed by desire for accolades. And yet I wonder what the world would be like if we wrote only those things that gained applause. I think of the group of writers who put their years of work into clay jars and hid them in caves. They wrote not for worldly approval, but simply with the knowledge that they had something to say. They never knew their work would someday be known around the world as the Dead Sea Scrolls.

I think of the writers whose words are not hidden in vases to be turned to dust or discovered by chance, but whose words are met with anger or derision or laughter. From Jeremiah to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writers wrote words that found only disapproval. Yet still they wrote, and it is their names that now call up our approval.

So I stare at my blinking cursor, and consider my hunger for that approval. Does it matter so much that my name appears on a book or website or in a newspaper or magazine? Does it matter how many hits my blog gets? Or does it matter that I wrote what God called me to write, for the person whom He knows needs it, whether I even know it or not.