December 21, 2017

Breath of Hope ... Breath of Heaven ... by Jocelyn Faire

Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending.
Barbara Holland


While I wait for God as long as He remains in hiding, while I wait and hope for him, I stand my ground and hope.
Isaiah 8:17 The Message

As I write this, I am brought back to my personal version of The Worst Christmas Pageant Ever. And I can still taste and feel the despair that was ready to engulf my soul. Despair is prolific, it requires nothing from us in order to grow, but hope takes an enormous effort. The year was 2005 and I felt as though I was living my life outside of my body, trying to direct a script that kept unravelling. Nine months earlier had been the day a car accident claimed the lives of my son, my daughter and my future daughter-in-law. Although this was now history to many people in our community, (because life moves on) our household was still reeling in grief. And the festive season was about to descend. My daughter and her husband had been in Africa for the past two years, this should have been our reunion Christmas.

I dreaded Christmas for eight months that year.

The only thing I could think of was a plan to escape ... do something different ... head to a warmer climate with our remaining daughter and her husband. Arrangements were made.

Thankfully some of the events are a blur.

But the question that changed everything, came from my husband (still struggling with PTSD), two days before the planned departure ...

How bad would it be if I didn't go along?”

How Bad? Beyond bad ... unbearable, unthinkable, unresolvable.

Later that evening, alone in the family room-now a room without a family-his words replayed in my mind. I broke down weeping on the floor, the carpet absorbing the flood of  tears. Words failed to form into prayer as my heart felt ripped apart. The silence from heaven overwhelmed me.
I lay there till the sobs finally subsided.

“Will you trust me?” was the tiny question that I perceived.
Lord you have taken my two children, will you take my husband as well?

More silence as the questions hung in the air.
And all I have to go on is that you will be with me?
No reassurance, no guarantees, but a tiny spark of hope, a sense of His presence.

And so, following an emergency family counselling session ... three out of four of us still climbed aboard the flight to depart for Christmas.

I had never felt so alone. My husband had been part of the last thirty-two Christmases. I kept looking along the street, somehow thinking/hoping his truck might appear.

December 24th our trio walked up and down the palm lined street, looking for a Christmas Eve service to attend. A board advertising a candlelight service at 8pm caught our eyes. We planned for it. Later that evening flickering candles lined the walkway to the stone building. Arriving five minutes before 8, we were surprised by the empty church, there were no others in attendance. What had we missed? Too confused and emotionally fragile, we took a balcony seat to catch our collective breath. From out of the darkness a woman stepped onto stage and sang for an audience of three—
Breath of Heaven ...

♪♪ I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now ...
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven ...
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven
♪♪ ...

The only thing that broke the silence were the tears that dropped to the wooden floor. After the song we walked along the water's edge until it was time for the official 9pm service, even though all three of us had read 8pm. My daughter told me this was the song she had brought along to share with me on Christmas day. She knew the power of the words. She knew I needed being held together. The Spirit also knew and I believe provided a private divine encounter ♪♪ to remind us that the gift of Christmas truly was and remains as Immanuel—God with us. He was with us that dark Christmas, and has been present every Christmas since.
When we can begin to grasp that God-With-Us is all we need, we have hope to live through every dark day.


Because when all is said and done, the last word is Immanuel—God-With-Us. Isaiah 8:10 The Message


This is a link to Amy Grant's version of Breath of Heaven (originally written by Chris Eaton/revised by Amy Grant)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW2OBT-5qfc

Jocelyn wishes you a Blessed Christmas from North Africa, where Christmas will be celebrated with her daughter and family. She is the author of Who is Talking Out of My Head, Grief as an Out of Body Experience. 


13 comments:

  1. That was truly a God moment... He orchestrated a divine appointment just for you. Thank you for sharing such deeply moving posts each month. I know your words are having an impact on others - including myself.

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    1. Thank you Tracy for all all you do to help us post. Merry Christmas!

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  2. Such a beautiful, heart-wrenching post. It brought me a whole new perspective on Breath of Heaven, God with us. Thank you, Jocelyn.

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    1. Thank you Joylene, to really grasp how God is with us is an ongoing challenge. Merry Christmas.

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  3. I am so moved by your story, Jocelyn. Your story and this song are speaking to me very personally as I deal with the issues of life. Thank you, and may God continue to bless your writing and your sharing of you own story of grief. It is a refreshing "breath of heaven." May you and your loved ones have a wonderful Christmas.

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    1. Thank you Sharon, you are ever encouraging. That God continually calls us to trust him is a marvel indeed.

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  4. Hi Jocelyn! Breath of Heaven has been a favourite of mine for years. Thank you for this moving time in your life that you shared. I think you may have written this post for me. At this time the question, “Will you trust me?” is personal and pertinent as I wait with my wife for her surgery. You have helped me my friend. In deed, "we have hope to live through every dark day." Blessings to you Jocelyn and your family.

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    1. Yes Alan, when we can begin to grasp that God-With-Us is all we need, we indeed do have hope to live through every dark day. Blessings to you and your wife this Christmas, may you experience Immanuel in a very real way.

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  5. My heart both broke and rejoiced in reading your post, Jocelyn. Thank you for sharing your dark as well as the hope present with knowing God is with us. Very encouraging to me!

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  6. "When we can begin to grasp that God-With-Us is all we need, we have hope to live through every dark day."
    Your words are life giving to me. Thank you. Merry Christmas in Africa!

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  7. What a beautiful and moving story. Thank you for scooping it from your heart and sharing it here. The sweet and sorrow mingle in the reading of it.

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  8. A glimpse of heaven found in an unexpected place ... a beautiful gift for Christmas. Stirring post, thank you.

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  9. Janet Seever12:26 pm GMT-7

    Thank you for sharing your moving story. I am sure it has helped others as they grieve their own loss. How wonderful that the Lord allowed you to have your own private concert with `Breath of Heaven.` God bless you richly.

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