October 14, 2015

Misery Loves Company by Bobbi Junior

My friend, Marta, was in turmoil. Her husband had cancer. She was trying to find a good group care program for her 18 year old disabled son. She was maintaing their household pretty much on her own, as her husband could no longer help. She worked full time as a church secretary, and constantly dealt with members who complained to her about the pastor and others in the church. Life was miserable, and as her long-time friend, she held nothing back when we talked.

One day Marta called me, and she was livid. “We had a ladies’ group last night,” she told me. “It was a mockery. Ridiculous. We had to take little jars and put notes in them of all the things we’re grateful for, and then close them up and decorate them. An Attitude of Gratitude, they said. How juvenile. How stupid. We’re grown adults, for goodness sake. It felt like a kindergarten platitude class!”

Part of me wanted to leap into Marta’s boat and paddle out to sea with her on a wave of bitterness and anger. I was having my own struggles, and the desire to give in to my negative emotions under the guise of empathy was tantalizing.

But the Lord stopped me.

As Marta ranted on, I prayed, asking for help. It was as though he spoke insight directly into my heart. Marta’s in great pain right now - no hope, no end to her struggles in sight. I know you're hurting too, but if you join her, you’ll confirm the darkness that’s enveloping her. 

What do I do, then? I prayed.

Listen with love. Let her express her pain without feeding it. Meet her need of the moment - someone safe who can withstand her anger. The rest is up to me.

So I had a choice. Tag-team with Marta and together wallow in our misery, or step back and trust that God would meet my need, while I maintained hope for Marta and her future. It wasn’t easy, but offering nothing more than a listening ear, I chose the latter.

Several years have passed since Marta’s season of hopelessness, and my own time of trial. I see Marta regularly on Facebook. These days she expresses joy and gratitude for the memory of her husband, for her son who's happy in a good group home, and for her new husband and his family who have embraced her fully.

I’ve since had several opportunities to practice the lesson the Lord taught me during Marta’s difficult time. Empathy does not mean taking part. Rather, it means to love, sometimes silently, but always present, maintaining our own hope, so the light of Christ can shine through us. Quietly walking alongside someone who is in great pain is sometimes exactly what they need, and what we need, too.

11 comments:

  1. These are the most wonderful moments--when you follow God's plans and see the result. A very good lesson for all of us when we feel ourselves getting dragged down. Dealing with my mom who struggles with bi-polar like mood swings, I know all about the fight to stay positive.

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    1. When we see it as a battle, we take up the cause differently, don't we? You're on the battle ground every time you interact with your Mom, I bet. May God bless you in the fight.

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  2. Thanks, Bobbi, for sharing this story, and giving us, this marvellous insight. God is so wise and we are wise to listen to him and follow his lead. Great teaching, my friend..

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    1. You're one who works daily to find the hope in the hard times. It takes years to perfect it, doesn't it? You're an inspiration, Sharon.

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  3. Wow. this one really struck a chord, Bobbi. How many times have I listened but then also shared my own 'story', thinking it would give comfort to know that others are in a similar situation. Instead, your advice to just listen and stay quiet seems so much healthier - for everyone. Thank you for this post. You are truly a wise woman!!

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    1. Wisdom usually comes from making mistakes! LOL. I always appreciate your considered solid input into discussions, Tracy.

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  4. Bless you for just listening --the most precious and rarest of all gifts.

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    1. Thanks Marianne. Listening should be easy, but somehow it's not. May we all work to develop this gift!

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  5. What a beautiful story. And what popped into my head after I read it was, "Empathy Invites Company" in contrast to "Misery Loves Company." hmmmmmm. A good reminder that I need to be more empathetic and listen more. Thanks Bobbi.

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    1. Great play on the title, Connie. Perhaps we can start new cliche!

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  6. Wonderful reminder of the value of listening and trusting and waiting on God, who always knows exactly what to do!

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