May 11, 2015

Bad Breath and Bravery by Connie Inglis



"Breathings of your heart." There's a warmth to that phrase. It is beautiful and gentle but honestly, not always realistic. We have all had morning breath, or garlic breath. Sometimes we snore. Sometimes we belch. Admittedly, sometimes our breathings are not pleasant. The physical solution is to brush our teeth, have a mint, chew some gum. But what about our internal breathings, when they are not gentle but ugly? What do we as writers do with that?

At the end of last year our family went through a tumultuous time (see my Dec. 2014 post). So much uncertainty. Yet through it all, God was faithful. We continue to work through things and He has brought abundant healing. Still, fear seems to be dying a slow death. Every now and then it lifts its moribund head and points its enfeebled finger at me. And to my surprise, I cringe.

Can I write about that? When life is foul? When human fears niggle at my heart and mind? I have found that it is especially in those dark times that I NEED to write in order to process. Last fall a writer friend gave me the book, Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo. This book has helped me write with the purpose to heal and I recommend it to anyone who needs a guide to be able to do that. I journalled my way through those months, kept my sanity, and clung to God. Many of the poems I wrote for November's NaNoWriMo (I did the Writer's Digest Poem-a-Day prompts) voiced my pain--some hope but mostly pain. It was therapy--Holy Spirit-driven therapy. I knew God's presence as I breathed out my fears, my anger, my angst, my questions. And I also knew that God did not condemn my vulnerability--that He loves me ALL the time and accepts me, bad breath and all. 

So, can I, should I, share these breathings with others? I am learning that if I truly DO believe that my worth is found in God and that He loves me unconditionally (Jeremiah 31:3), then I can be vulnerable with others. I can be brave in sharing who I really am in my writing. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown says it this way: "Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection." 

Last November, in the thick of a long list of unexpected events, something especially painful happened. A group of people that we felt safe with came alongside us in all our questions of what to do. But instead of showing grace and love with a listening ear, they bombarded us with questions, gave us advice, and then shunned us when all we needed was support. I was so hurt and angered by the experience that for a while I couldn't even voice my pain. But I found I could write my pain and it helped me heal. 

Since then, I've had two opportunities to come alongside someone struggling in the same way. God gave me the courage to be vulnerable and share a specific poem--an ugly poem that expressed my pain. My breathings did not offer answers but they did offer connection and comfort. They knew that I understood their pain and anger and that they weren't alone. And both these people thanked me for my honesty. 

And now God is asking me to be brave right now and share this poem here. My prayer is that it will resonate with someone who has felt rejection and offer comfort. I must also add: I am SO thankful that God never rejects me, never rejects you--that His love is unlimited and relentless.

Rejection

Those sorries said are whitewashed tombs,
A cultured, hollow word,
A sorry here, a sorry there,
So heartless, dead, absurd.

You speak of care so tenderly,
With arms so stiff and cold,
In corpse-like form you shut the door,
And toss me from the fold.

Sepulchre of hypocrisy,
Rejection’s work is done,
For actions are the tell-tale sign,
And yours—they count for none.

21 comments:

  1. Thank you for your honest breathings! Being vulnerable creates connection, and you have speared me on to continue to be brave and dig deep on my own healing journey.

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  2. thanks for this encouraging post.

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  3. Whoa! Way to lay it on the line, Connie. That poem shouts out for self-assessment. Well done. And I also recommend DeSalvo's book. I found it helpful too.

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  4. Wow! Very well said in less than 100 words. No fooling around!

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  5. Thanks for sharing so honestly and with such vulnerability. The Church would be much stronger and healthier if we all did this all the time. Too often we don't say what we're really feeling or thinking.

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  6. Excellent post Connie, and powerful poem. "A sorry here, a sorry there, so heartless dead, absurd"

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  7. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you. All your words have been so uplifting. After I finished this post I felt spiritually attacked and discouraged. I think it was Satan toying with my heart, telling me what a bonehead I was for being so vulnerable. Ah yes--being brave also requires a lot of prayer. And a safe place to feel like you belong. Thanks for being that for me.

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  8. Oh, Connie, what a magnificent opening of your heart, such "honest breathings," as Lynn says above. I too feel that vulnerability when I write of depression and low moments. Although I have not experienced that depth of betrayal, I hear you, understand how you feel in this poem that needed to be written and needs to be read. May God "restore you to health and heal your wounds," as God, through Jeremiah, promised Israel. (Jeremiah 30: 17a)

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  9. Thanks Sharon. I too appreciated your honest breathings in your blog post. I believe that's all part of writing dangerously. And yes, I LOVE the book of Jeremiah.

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  10. Writing dangerously makes the enemy nervous! Thank you for sharing your heart, Connie. And the poem is powerful!

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  11. You're right Joy. Dangerous writing is done on the battlefield. Hmmmmm. I think I'm going to make that a quote on my facebook page sometime.

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  12. Connie, I love your quote from Brene Brown. I quoted that on facebook not so long ago, and it really resonated with me; and your whole post resonated with me. I have come to learn that vulnerability with people can open up doors I never knew were even there until I shared part of my pain. We are all human, imperfections and all, and there is something very satisfying and quenching when you finally find someone who can relate to you, because you've experience a similar struggle as them. I am so proud of you for sharing this and for being vulnerable. I know when I wrote my blog posts about RAD and our Thomas experience, it was extremely healing for me. I had no clue at the time how much it was going to help me sort out my thoughts and emotions about that particular life experience. And guess what? Not only did it help me, but it encouraged others with RAD children--they could relate to so much of what I had written but thought they were alone in their struggles. Sorry, this was a bit of a ramble, but I just had to write something in response. I love you, sister!

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    1. Thanks Kimmy. Your words mean a lot and I know you understand. I love you too.

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  13. My post is coming up in a few days. I missed the last one because life has been hard lately (again) and I feel I have nothing 'positive enough' to say. I've been toying with the idea of writing something 'real' for my next post. This might be an extra nudge. Thanks for being brave.

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  14. Gloria--I am praying that God will give you the strength to be brave.

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  15. Beautifully and truthfully expressed. I'm sure we've all experienced rejection and hypocrisy or been on the giving end of those. Ouch. Thankful that "God never rejects me, never rejects you--that His love is unlimited and relentless". He never disappoints.

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    1. Thanks Susan. Yes, I'm glad He never disappoints. :)

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  16. Thank you for being honest in your sharing. It helps me to want to do the same, and it helps me realize I am not alone!
    Pam Mytroen

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    1. Thanks Pam. I am realizing more and more that we are all vulnerable--we have all gone through or are going through "stuff" that causes pain. God asked me to share this poem. Knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings has helped me heal. And no, you are not alone either.

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  17. What a broken group we are, us humans. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. :) I'm glad God's spirit is always alive on this earth, and working through people like you and all of us as we write!

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